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Panama president admits to offshore company in Pakistan and other unbreakable news

Panama president admits to offshore company in Pakistan and other unbreakable news

Panama City: According to an un-leaked set of papers which were to be leaked along with the notorious Panama Papers (but weren’t), the president of Panama, Jean-Claude Van Damme, has an off-shore company in Pakistan.

He also owns an expensive flat in Karachi.

This news was broken by one of Panama’s leading media groups, the Panama Leading Media Group (PLMG).

According to the newspapers and TV channel owned by the PLMG, President Damme, who came to power after the 2014 presidential election, opened an offshore company in Lahore in December 2014. The report also claimed that he owned an expensive flat in Karachi.

But the flat was bought by Damme in 1979 when he had arrived in Karachi to play in a local Karachi football league for the Malir All Star Football Club.

He had bought the flat (in Karachi’s expensive Clifton area) for 70,000 Panama Rupees. The flat is now worth at least 7.7 million Panama Rupees.

Interestingly, all this information was leaked to PLMG by president Damme himself.

PMLG’s English newspaper, The English Newspaper, quoted President Damme as saying: ‘I first told my wife. She laughed it off. Then I told my ministers, and they asked me where exactly Pakistan was? I then went to the Panama Supreme Court and filed a case against myself. But the judges refused to accept my petition. In fact, one of the judges asked me whether I could also get a flat for him in Karachi.’

When a reporter asked President Damme why he opened an off-shore account in Pakistan when Panama was a tax haven, he said: ‘I didn’t do it to evade taxes. I did it to evade all those things which are needed to evade taxes for which Pakistan is a haven.’

This statement finally convinced Panama’s National Assembly to form a committee on the issue. The committee’s main purpose will be to investigate whether the President was actually a moron.

Islamabad/Tehran/Kabul: The governments of Pakistan, Iran and Afghanistan have all condemned a recent US drone strike on a wanted militant.

All three countries have claimed that the strike took place over their respective territories, violating their countries’ sovereignty.

However, all three have also claimed that the militant was not travelling in their region.

The first statement on the strike came from a spokesman of the American government. The statement stated that on the 22nd of May, 2016 AD, at 1600 hours, US president, Denzel Washington, sectioned a drone strike against a wanted militant.

The statement said that the drone struck the vehicle of the militant who is believed to have been killed and is most probably now stuck somewhere in purgatory. The statement did not mention where the strike took place.

Six hours later, the Pakistan Foreign Office (FO) confirmed that a US drone had fired a missile over Pakistani territory (Balochistan) at a militant who was hunting rabbits in an area which is part of Iran.

The Iranian FO responded to the statement of the Pakistan FO and claimed that the US drone attack took place over Iranian territory killing a militant who was busy sightseeing in an area which is part of Pakistan.

The Afghan FO, however, contradicted both Pakistan and Iranian FOs by stating that the US drone strike took place over Afghan territory and targeted a militant who was briskly moving to and fro between Pakistan and Iran on the Pakistan-Iran border.

The media in all three countries was quick to pick up on the contradiction in the mentioned statements. It asked how a drone strike over their territory could hit a militant who was not in their territory.

The confusion was further compounded by another statement by the US spokesman in which he stated that the strike had taken place over Mongolia.

He said that the government and military of Mongolia had been informed of the strike. The spokesman added that as a response, the Mongolian government gifted President Denzel two lamas and a goat.

However, though the Mongolian government accepted that the US had informed it of the strike, Mongolia has condemned the attack as a blatant violation of Mongolia’s sovereignty.

A day after the strike, the Mongolian FO in a statement said that a Pakistani passport has been found near the site of the attack. After this the Iranian and Afghan FOs immediately released short statements, exclaiming, ‘See!’

The Pakistan FO in a proclamation stated that the passport belonged to one, Nooruddin Manan, who used to trade dry fruit in Pakistan, Afghanistan and Iran and had gone to Mongolia to explore new business opportunities.

The FO informed that Manan was not Pakistani but a citizen of Afghanistan settled in Iran with a Pakistani passport.

This prompted a joint statement from Iran and Afghan FOs: ‘WTF?’

The location of the attack and the identity of the militant is still shrouded in mystery and is being investigated by all three governments.

A statement on the issue also appeared from the El Salvadorian FO, but no one seems to figure out why.

New Delhi: The government of Prime Minister Amrish Puri has changed the name of a road in New Delhi which was once named after famous Mughal king, Akbar.

Though most observers believe that the name-change took place as part of an ongoing effort of the current Indian government to erase all signs of India’s Muslim past, a federal minister, Madan Lal, told the media that one could not name a street after a fictitious character.

Talking to reporters at a press conference, Lal said that according to two of India’s most famous historians, Ratan Lal and Watan Lal, the belief that India was once under Muslim rule for over 500 years is a myth.

He said that the two historians have solid proof, which convincingly substantiates their revolutionary findings.

When a journalist suggested that no one had heard of Ratan Lal and Watan Lal, the minister got the pressman thrown out of the conference. The journalist was later arrested for storing beef in his refrigerator.

The historians were also present at the conference. Ratan Lal told the media that he and Watan have discovered that the myth of Muslim rule in India was planted in history books by a group of 18th century British nuns in collusion with a Muslim terrorist called Sir Syed Ahmed Khan.

Madan Lal informed that the two historians have provided the proof in a forthcoming book of theirs called, ‘Exposed! There was never any Muslim rule in India. Like, ever.

Then, after showing the reporters a copy of the book, he said, Abhi toh party shuru hoi hai! (Now the party start is!).

When the eminent historians were asked by the excited reporters to share at least some of the evidence that they had unearthed, Watan Lal exhibited a fossilized bone.

He told media personnel: ‘DNA samples from of the bone prove that it belonged to a King, who was Hindu, ruled for 500 years, enjoyed fighting wars, riding elephants, eating radish and taking selfies. His name was Patang Lal.’

When a reporter inquired how he could have taken selfies in an era in which there were no cell phones, Watan Lal responded by saying that Indian scientists had actually created cell phones thousands of years before the west did.

‘This is a fact,’ Watan Lal said. ‘Every Indian knows this. We also invented the vacuum cleaner,’ he proudly added.

Ratan Lal meanwhile informed the reporters that the period that history books attribute to Muslim rule (12th to mid-19th century), a single king, Patang Lal, ruled India.

Rattan informed that Patang Lal was born in the 2nd century AD. After studying in a religious school in his village, he won a scholarship at the Oxford University in Mumbai where he studied astrology, palmistry, yoga and nuclear physics.

He then built a fleet of solar-powered spaceships with which he conquered all of India and parts of Mars.

He remained king for 500 years and passed away from the effects of the common cold after he was sneezed upon by a Muslim terrorist, Sir Syed Ahmed Khan.

His body was stolen by British nuns who handed it over to British colonialists, along with the Oxford University in Mumbai.

The name of Akbar Road has been changed to Patang Lal Lane. Minister Madan Lal told the reporters that the road is being re-laid and will be designed to look like a runway because they believe Patang Lal’s atmah (soul) will finally return, flying in on one his many spaceships.

He said the government was already making the necessary arrangements for all good Indians to come here and take a selfie with the great king.

Brussels: A young Moroccan-born Belgian Muslim girl who, as a protest, had gatecrashed a rally of overweight Islamophobes and white supremacists in Brussels, is reported to have joined a party of overweight Islamophobes and white supremacists.

Last week, Aleena-bint-e-Baleena, a 20-year-old Muslim citizen of Belgium, became a social media celebrity after she gatecrashed an anti-Muslim rally organised by the far-right Belgian outfit, the Vlaams Blok Belang Hallelujah Oppenheimer.

There, she wittily mocked the participants by striking satirical victory poses in front of hateful banners and overweight Islamophobes and white supremacists.

Though she became an instant celebrity when she posted pictures of herself at the rally, she was eventually chased away by the militant members of Vlaams Blok Belang Hallelujah Oppenheimer.

Reports suggest she was about to be punched and kicked by the men who were chasing her, when she was taken to safety at the last minute by Spiderman.

However, two days later, Ms. Baleena’s heroic stunt was overturned when someone forwarded to the media some Twitter posts that she had made a few years ago.

In them she had praised Adolph Hitler – former ruler of Nazi Germany and an aspiring painter who had derived his artistic inspiration from gas chambers.

Yesterday, the leading Belgian daily, The Leading Belgian Daily, reported that Baleena was visited by the same men who had chased her away and wanted to beat her up.

They told her that she was a hero to them and it would be an honour to have her become a member of Vlaams Blok Belang Hallelujah Oppenheimer.

Ms. Baleena immediately agreed and was last seen spraying ‘Jews suck!’ on the wall of a synagogue in Brussels.

When she posted a picture of herself doing this on Facebook, the Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu was outraged. As a response, he at once ordered the Israeli air force to bomb Gaza.

Disclaimer: This article is categorised as satire.

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