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How the Illuminati, a revolution, and American English are invading us

How the Illuminati, a revolution, and American English are invading us

Wife: Puppu pass hogaya.

Husband: Really?

Yes. Please congratulate him when he comes back from school.

How do you know that?

Know what?

Pappu pass hogaya.

I have his report card. Here, see.

Hmm. Are you sure it’s his report card?

What you mean? Of course, it’s his. His name is on it. And his teacher gave it to me.

Hmm. Are you sure it was his teacher?

Of course she was his teacher!

Hmm. I was looking at his school’s logo. If you look close enough you can make out an eye bordered by a triangle. See.

All I can see is a pen, a hand and a flower.

Look closely.

I did. Can’t see any eye or triangle.

Has Puppu been behaving strangely?

No. He is behaving just like any eight-year-old kid would.

He’s eight?

Yes! You ought to know. You’re his father!

I am?

Oh, for heaven’s sake. At least stop being a nutcase about your own son!

Truth-seekers and speakers are often labeled as nuts in the beginning. But …

Truth-seekers don’t seek the truth by watching silly documentaries on YouTube.

You are always putting me down. No wonder you can’t notice the eye and the triangle in the school’s logo.

There’s no eye or triangle. And even if there were, so what?

Aha! So you do see them!

No I don’t.

Aha! Now you are contradicting yourself.

I just said even if there were, so what?


Shut up.

See. Always putting me down.

I don’t care if there’s an eye, triangle or a flying rat’s backside in the logo. It’s a good school.

Hmm. How do you know it’s a school?


I mean, it could just be a place where they brainwash children to hate their country, faith and culture.

You put him there.

I did?

Actually, no, the Illuminati did.


Now that you have heard what you wanted to, can you get off Twitter and Facebook for a moment and go pick up your son from the brainwashing centre. He must be hungry.

We must put him in a proper school. But are there any proper schools left?

Please tell me you are joking.

Life is not a joke.

That was very profound. What school did you go to?

Thank you. You know which school I went to.

Yes. The same as your son is in. The one with the eye and the octagon in its logo.


Yes, that one. Were you brainwashed?

No. In those days it was a proper school. It began to change when the Americans started to fund it.

They are funding it?

Of course! Didn’t you notice how his teacher has used American English in his report card?

No. Actually, it’s British English that they use. I know, because I help him do his homework.

British English is even worse!

So, what English should they use?


Oh, so you want him to be taught in his mother tongue?

Yes. Arabic.

That’s not our language!

That’s what we have been led to believe.

No we haven’t. Urdu is our national language. Then we have regional languages and then English. One can learn Arabic if they want to, but …

Ahlan wa sahlan marhaba, marhaba …!

Excuse me?

It’s our mother tongue.

I see. What does it mean?

I was saying ‘revolution is coming to destroy the eye and the triangle.’

Hmm. How does one say, ‘please pick your son up from school?’

Ahlan wa sahlan marhaba, marhaba …!

You are repeating yourself.

See. Always putting me down. Always running away from the truth.

Well, it seems I will have to go pick him up myself.

Yes, please. I have a lot of work to do.

Like what? Sit here and post rants on Twitter and Facebook? Then visit various stupid TV channels as a guest and talk nonsense?

It’s not nonsense. I am a warner. I warn my countrymen of all the conspiracies that are afoot to destroy our motherland.

But you don’t get paid for it!

Have you seen the ‘likes’ my videos get on YouTube?

‘Likes’? Likes didn’t pay for that computer. I got it from my savings. Even your clothes, the rent of this apartment, school fee …

Enough! Ahlan wa sahlan marhaba, marhaba …!

What the heck is wrong with you? You have really lost it.


What the …? Why did you slap me? What are you doing …? Hey, don’t throw my computer out … stop! Stop!


What have you done? What will I do now?

Frankly, my dear, Ahlan wa sahlan marhaba, marhaba …!

Disclaimer: This article is categorised as satire.

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