- If your partner lies, makes excuses, ridicules or criticizes you constantly, and isolates you from your friends and family, they're likely manipulative or controlling.
- Talk to your partner in private about the way their behavior makes you feel. Set clear boundaries so your partner understands what you need from the relationship.
- Gather your friends and family for support and talk to a therapist. Put yourself first and make plans to end the relationship if your partner doesn't change.
Signs of Manipulation and Control
Your partner was perfect in the beginning but now they've changed. People who are controlling or manipulative often start out a relationship seeming like the perfect partner. This is love-bombing, a form of emotional abuse that's meant to cause you to let your guard down so they can influence you or exert control over you. While love-bombing typically happens at the beginning of a relationship, it can also come and go in cycles. Your partner might turn to love-bombing if they sense that you're really upset and potentially going to leave them, for example. Manipulative or controlling partners might also turn on the love-bombing if you attempt to assert yourself or call them out on their controlling or manipulative tactics.
Your partner lies or makes excuses. For someone who is manipulative, nothing is ever their fault. They're never willing to accept responsibility or admit that they did anything wrong—and they'll lie or distort facts when necessary to make themselves look like the victim. Typically, they're trying to make you feel sorry for them here so you'll forget about whatever was bothering you. If your partner is controlling, their desire for control could extend to facts themselves, meaning that they'll believe the version of events that puts them in the best light, even if that's not what actually happened.
Your partner yells at you or gets angry for little to no reason. When the going gets tough, lashing out is a good way for a manipulative or controlling partner to turn the tables. If they get angry, then everything becomes all about them. They believe that you'll do what you can to appease them, especially if it involves something you don't feel strongly about. For example, a controlling partner might get bent out of shape over the direction in which you vacuum the floor or the way you load the dishwasher. Because you don't want to cause a scene, you go along with what they want. This sets the stage for them to potentially control you in other ways in the future. This is especially likely if your partner knows that you try to avoid conflict.
Your partner ridicules, belittles, or criticizes you. With a controlling or manipulative partner, you might feel as though you can't do anything right. They might also put you down or insult you in front of other people to make you feel embarrassed or ashamed. For example, your partner might bring up an incident they know was super-embarrassing to you while the two of you have friends over. This uses the vulnerability of that moment against you. Your partner might also put down or insult your long-held beliefs, even if they've known about them from the day you met. Questioning long-held beliefs can cause you to doubt yourself or your perception of the world. Sometimes this comes from a place of insecurity. Usually, your partner is trying to lift themselves up and make themselves seem better because they've put you down.
Your partner questions your memory or denies something happened. This is related to control, in that your partner is trying to control the narrative. But it's also manipulative—your partner is trying to get you to doubt your own memory or your own senses. If they can achieve that, they can step in as the authority and control your very perspective of reality. This is commonly referred to as "gaslighting." Clinical Psychologist Lena Dicken notes that another form of gaslighting is when your partner "makes you feel like your feelings are wrong." For example, you might express that something your partner does makes you anxious and your partner replies that you're crazy or you're over-reacting. Dr. Dicken continues that standing up to gaslighting requires "a sense of confidence and a sense of self-assuredness. If you don't have the belief that your feelings are valid, then you're going to believe [your partner]."
Your partner isolates you from your friends and family. Someone who is controlling likes to isolate you from friends and family so their narrative of events will hold dominance over anyone else's. They don't want anyone calling them out or questioning their actions or their motives. Another reason controlling or manipulative partners may isolate you is because they have an insecure attachment to you and get jealous when you're with anyone else. For example, they might imagine that you're cheating on them with one of your friends or that one of your family members hates them and is trying to convince you to leave them.
Your partner makes their love conditional on your actions. True love is unconditional—you don't have to do anything in particular, look a certain way, or act a certain way in order to get it. If your partner makes comments about how they'd love you more if you did this or that, that could be a sign that they're trying to control or manipulate you. For example, your partner might say, "You know I love you, but I'd love you a lot more if you'd just lose a little weight and stop snacking on sweets all the time." A manipulative or controlling partner will often focus on something that you're sensitive about. For example, if you're sensitive about your weight, they might use this tactic to make you feel guilty about eating dessert or spending the evening on the couch watching TV. They might make affection conditional as well. For example, if your partner doesn't like when you wear makeup, they might say, "You know, I'd kiss you a lot more if you weren't wearing all that nasty makeup." Psychotherapist Kelli Miller notes that "if you're constantly questioning your relationship... or comparing yourself to other relationships," that's another sign that your relationship is likely unhealthy.
You have uncomfortable sexual interactions with your partner. Sex should be something that's joyful and pleasurable for both of you. If your partner is pressuring you into doing things that you don't want to do, or into having sex when you don't want to, that could be a sign that they're trying to manipulate or control you. They might also try to guilt trip you into doing things that you don't feel comfortable doing. For example, they might say, "If you loved me, you'd do this."
Your partner wants to decide what you wear or what you eat. A partner who's controlling might want to take over decisions that really should be your own. They might try to guilt you into believing that if you really loved them you'd want to dress or act in a way that pleased them and not in a way that upset them or made them uncomfortable. For example, your partner might insult you for eating too much dessert, or call you names because you wear revealing clothing to go out with your friends. Licensed marriage and family therapist Lia Huynh notes that there are some times when it might be appropriate for your partner to tell you what to wear, such as if they're "concerned that it is not appropriate for the occasion." But absent those legitimate times, it's not usually appropriate for your partner to try to tell you what to wear.
Your partner ignores you when they're angry. The silent treatment is about as emotionally manipulative as you can get. Your partner is essentially taking away any opportunity you might have to reason with them or come to a compromise on whatever the issue is. They typically want you to come to them first and make the sacrifice to appease them, rather than meeting you in the middle. Sometimes, people use the silent treatment because they want to make the situation all about them. They know that if they withdraw their attention, the other person will miss them and beg them to come back. When that happens, they'll feel like they have the upper hand. This is also tied into the idea of conditional love. A partner who uses the silent treatment is conditioning their attention and affection on getting their way.
Your partner is excessively jealous or paranoid about you cheating on them. Is your partner constantly looking over your shoulder when you're on your phone? Do they give you the third degree whenever you come home from running errands or meeting friends for coffee? Those are the actions of someone who's very insecure about their connection to you and is jealous of the time you spend away from them as a result. In the beginning of your relationship, you might have found little jealous remarks your partner made flattering. But if those little remarks have snowballed over time, you're getting into toxic territory. Excessive jealousy may be due to your partner's personal insecurity or they may have an insecure attachment to you. Either of these things can lead to paranoia that you're going to leave them for someone else.
You feel as though you're trapped in your relationship. If your partner has been trying to manipulate or control you for an extended period, they might have convinced you that they're your only option. They might even have led you to believe that no one else would want to be in a relationship with you because you're so difficult to get along with or because you're such a failure. If you start thinking that you don't have any option but to be with your partner, stop and take a moment to remind yourself of all the awesome things you've accomplished on your own—either without your partner or before they entered your life. Your friends and family members can also help you counter this by telling you about all the things they love and appreciate about you—all the things that go into making you the wonderful person you are.
Your partner makes threats against you or themselves. When your partner gets angry, they might threaten to leave or threaten to harm you or themselves. This is where you get into serious territory. Always take your partner at their word when they make threats like this and start making arrangements to keep everyone safe from harm. They might also threaten people you love, your pets, or even things that you love. For example, if your partner threatens to break your favorite coffee mug or throw away your favorite T-shirt, that's a form of emotional manipulation. If your partner threatens suicide or self-harm, that can also be used as an emotional manipulation tactic—but it's best for all concerned to take them seriously. Put your relationship issues on the back burner and call a suicide hotline.
Talking to Your Partner
Sit down with your partner in private. Choose a time to talk when both of you are in neutral or upbeat moods and have time to talk without distractions. Turn off the TV and put away your phones so you can focus on each other. If you live with other people, go to a room where you can shut the door for some privacy. Let your partner know that you want to talk about some aspects of your relationship that are bothering you. For example, you might say, "I love you and I want to discuss some ways that we can make our relationship better and more fulfilling for both of us." Psychotherapist Kelli Miller recommends taking a timeout if things get heated or overwhelming. You can take a few minutes to calm down, then return to the conversation with a clearer head.
Use "I" statements to explain how you feel. When you use "I" statements, you take ownership of your own feelings instead of blaming your partner for doing the wrong thing. This can help your partner understand where you're coming from and make them less likely to get defensive. Focus on the issues that have been troubling you. Here are some examples of things you might say: "I feel belittled and disrespected when you insult me in front of other people." "I feel frustrated when you refuse to talk to me about why you're upset." "I feel disrespected when you try to tell me what to wear."
Listen to your partner's side of things. Give your partner a chance to explain why they're acting the way they are. They may have genuinely not realized that their actions were triggering those emotions in you. When you listen actively, it allows them to feel safe opening up. All of this can pave the way to better understanding between the two of you—and, hopefully, to a healthier relationship down the road. Clinical psychologist Allison Broennimann notes that some people aren't "purposefully manipulative in relationships. These patterns may have worked in [their] family system and now [they] are building a new family system with [their] partner, and unconsciously trying to apply the old rules." Listening to your partner can help them work through those issues. Psychotherapist Kelli Miller agrees that "people often talk more than they listen. They don't even realize it so I think the first thing is that if they listened a little bit more, I think there'd be more effective communication[.]" Miller also recommends "reflective listening, where the partner says something and the other partner repeats back what that person said."
Set clear boundaries for how you will be treated. It can be tough to set boundaries with a romantic partner, especially if you've never really had any in the past. But boundaries are about respect. When you honor each other's boundaries, you're communicating that you respect each other. For example, you might say, "Please don't pressure me to have sex. It makes me uncomfortable." If your partner frequently raises their voice when the two of you disagree, you might say, "We can resolve conflicts in a calm manner. I'm not okay with you raising your voice at me."
Establish consequences if your boundaries are violated. A boundary without consequences isn't very valuable because nothing will happen if your partner violates it. Choose consequences that are proportionate and related to the boundary itself, and enforce your boundaries consistently every time your partner violates them. For example, if you set a "no yelling during conflicts" boundary, the consequence might be that when your partner raises their voice, you take a 30-minute break to calm down before you resume the discussion. If your partner is pressuring you for sexual activity, you might set a consequence that you will sleep in another room if they violate this boundary. For some boundaries, simply saying that you will call them out on it and the two of you will have a talk is all the consequence you need. Don't include something as a consequence (for example, that you'll leave them) if you don't intend to follow through with it.
Suggest that the two of you go to couples counseling. Confronting all of these issues can be very hard—for both of you. This is especially true if your partner wasn't aware that the things they were saying and doing were coming across as manipulative or controlling. A couples counselor can help the two of you establish better communication and heal your relationship. If you decide it's time to part ways, a couples counselor can help the two of you with that too. You'll be able to separate with closure and hopefully with respect for one another.
Getting Help
Reach out to friends and family members. Your close friends and family members are your ultimate support system—they've always got your back. It can be embarrassing to admit that you have a problem in your relationship, but don't worry! They won't judge. On the contrary, they'll likely do anything they can to help you. If your partner was trying to isolate you from your friends and family members, you might also feel awkward about getting back in touch with them. Simply explain the situation and apologize for your absence. Remember that they love you and only want what's best for you.
Talk to a therapist on your own. You likely have some conflicting thoughts rolling around in your head—especially if you'd been thinking that your relationship was wonderful and are now seeing all these red flags you'd never noticed before. A therapist can help you untangle all those conflicting thoughts and get back on the road to true self-love and recovery. Look for a therapist who has experience treating clients similar to you who were in similar situations. They'll be the ones who will most likely be of the most help to you. Remember that therapists are professionals and they're not there to judge you. They simply want to help guide you on a journey to being your best self.
Practice self-care to regain control of your life. Self-care can help you rebuild your confidence after your partner has tried to tear it down. The more love and compassion you give to yourself, the less you'll feel the need to rely on external sources (such as your partner) for validation. Here are some self-care practices you can try: Journaling Meditation Positive affirmations Breathing exercises
Get professional help if you don't feel safe. The best-case scenario is that your partner sees the error of their ways, feels terrible for how they've hurt you, and sets about trying to be a better partner for you. But the best-case scenario, unfortunately, isn't always the most common one. It's also possible that your partner's behavior could escalate or grow more violent. If that happens, you need a plan to escape. Talk to your friends and family members first and foremost. Then, reach out to domestic violence shelters in your area. If you have a plan in place, you don't have to worry about it if the time comes when you feel unsafe and have to leave immediately.
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