Talk it through with someone.
Holding in your thoughts and feelings can make your anxiety worse. Reach out to a trusted friend or family member to get their opinion and advice on what happened. You might just find out that the mistake wasn’t as big of a deal as you thought it was. Even if your loved one doesn’t have any advice for you, just letting it all out can be helpful.
Own up to your mistakes.
Don’t try to blame your mistakes on others or downplay them. Instead, admit to yourself that you messed up, even if you had good intentions. Everyone makes mistakes now and then, so it’s okay to realize that you did, too. Try telling yourself something like: “Everyone makes mistakes, and I made a mistake last year by turning down that job opportunity. It was my own fault, not anyone else’s.”
Empathize with anyone you've hurt.
If you hurt someone with your mistake, try to feel what they feel. It can be easy to excuse your actions if you don’t empathize with the person you hurt. They might feel angry, embarrassed, sad, or a little bit of all three emotions at once. For example, if the mistake you made was talking badly about a friend behind their back, your friend might feel angry and embarrassed. Or, if you got into a fight with your parents at a family reunion, they might be feeling sad or worried about you. Reader Poll: We asked 607 wikiHow readers what’s the biggest challenge they face in forgiving themselves, and 66% said letting go of guilt that they hurt someone. [Take Poll]
Make amends with those you’ve wronged.
Forgiving yourself is much easier when others have forgiven you, too. If you hurt someone with your actions, reach out to them and ask how you can make up for it. There might not always be a clear answer, but reaching out to the person can’t hurt. In some cases, it’s obvious what you can do to make up for a mistake. For example, if you dropped someone’s expensive knick knack and it broke, offer to pay for it. Other times, there might not be anything you can do to make up for it. If you hurt someone deeply with your actions, they might not be able to forgive you—and that’s okay.
Plan what you could do better next time.
Help yourself avoid the mistake in the future. Sit down and actually write out a list of things you can do to make sure the mistake never happens again. Of course, you can’t tell the future, but you can turn your mistake into something positive. For example, if you missed a deadline at work, you could work on your time management and set reminders for yourself on your phone and computer. If you forgot a loved one’s birthday, you could write it on your calendar and plan to buy them a gift 2 weeks in advance.
Look for the life lesson.
You might be able to accept your mistakes if they were worthwhile. Instead of ruminating over what you could have done better, stop and think about what you can learn. You cannot change the past, but you can use it to guide yourself towards better decisions in the future. For example, if you learn that you get frustrated when your mom tries to talk to you immediately after arriving home, then be grateful for learning that you need some time to decompress after you get home. Or, maybe you overslept and missed work because you’re overwhelmed with responsibilities. You can be grateful to learn that you need to cut back on what you do during the week to improve your mental health.
Separate yourself from the mistakes.
Mistakes don’t define who you are. Everyone makes mistakes and engages in poor behavior, but it doesn’t make you a bad person. Try to see yourself as a separate entity from the mistakes you’ve made instead of assigning yourself a role as the bad guy. For example, you could say, “I really messed up at my job one time, but I’ve also done some really great work there. My boss says I’m a hard worker, so I should believe her.”
Challenge your negative thoughts.
We often think badly about ourselves without even realizing it. Try to catch yourself every time you think a negative thought and question if it’s really true. Tell yourself that past mistakes don’t define who you are, and that you can make better decisions in the future. For example, you might find yourself thinking, “I’m just going to mess up again.” Try telling yourself, “I can’t see the future, so I don’t know if that’s true. All I can do is try to work harder and be better.” Or, you might think, “Nobody likes me because of what I did in the past.” Try asking yourself, “Is that true? Didn’t my friends just ask me to hang out last week? And they’ve known me forever.” EXPERT TIP Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP Clinical Therapist Rebecca Tenzer is the owner and head clinician at Astute Counseling Services, a private counseling practice in Chicago, Illinois. With over 18 years of clinical and educational experience in the field of mental health, Rebecca specializes in the treatment of depression, anxiety, panic, trauma, grief, interpersonal relationships using a combination of Cognitive Behavioral therapy, Psychodynamic therapy, and other evidence-based practices. Rebecca holds a Bachelor of Arts (BA) in Sociology and Anthropology from DePauw University, a Master in Teaching (MAT) from Dominican University, and a Master of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Chicago. Rebecca has served as a member of the AmeriCorps and is also a Professor of Psychology at the collegiate level. Rebecca is trained as a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT), a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP), a Certified Grief Counseling Specialist (CGCS), a Clinical Anxiety Treatment Professional (CCATP), and a Certified Compassion Fatigue Professional (CCFP). Rebecca is also a member of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Society of America and The National Association of Social Workers. Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP Clinical Therapist Keeping a gratitude journal is a really effective way to work on your self-love and self-compassion. Every morning when you wake up, jot down five things you’re grateful for and make sure to incorporate things that are specific to your own personal strengths, growth, and healing.
Treat yourself how you’d treat a friend.
Think about what you’d do if a loved one made the same mistakes. What would you say? How would you feel? Chances are, you would not think a friend or family member is a bad person because of a single lapse in judgment. Try to grant yourself the same kindness. We’re usually much easier on others than we are on ourselves. Although it can be tough, try to stop holding yourself to a higher standard than you would others.
Embrace your strengths.
You have a lot of positive qualities, too. Grab a pen and a piece of paper and jot down 5 things that you like about yourself. If you can’t think of anything, ask a friend or family member to help you come up with a short list. This might sound like a silly exercise, but it’s a really good way to remind yourself that you aren’t only made up of mistakes. Although it might not feel like it, you’ve definitely done good things in your past, too. For example, you could write: “I’m kind to my friends, I’m creative, I manage my time well, I’m very personable, and I’d do anything for my family.”
Talk to a mental health professional.
Navigating this acceptance on your own can be tough. If you often find yourself ruminating on things you did in the past and you feel like you can’t get over them, a mental health professional may be able to help. They can talk to you about ways to combat negative thoughts and forgive yourself so you can move on. If you have insurance, you can probably get them to cover your visits. If you’re a student, check out the mental health services on campus. You might be able to see someone for a reduced cost (or even for free).
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