How to Get Over It

Building on the Future

Validate your strengths. Part of the reason people hold onto resentment or grudges is because despite feeling slighted or taken advantage of, we also feel powerful over being wronged in the form of righteous indignation over what we perceive as unfair treatment. This is still a type of strength drawing from negativity, though, and you should instead try to validate your real strengths that come from a positive place.

Practice techniques to stop indulging in the negativity. One of the hardest parts of getting over anything whether it’s resentment, a break up, a loss, or even depression is to develop the self-awareness required to remain logical about the emotions you feel. This allows you to evaluate when a negative emotion creeps in, making it easier to shut down before it takes hold. Some of the most effective techniques for this stem from the practice of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). CBT often focuses on cognitive distortions—such as understanding the illogical source of your negativity but feeling it regardless—and how to help eliminate them. You can learn more about CBT at: How to Use Cognitive Behavioral Theory.

Acknowledge your part. In many instances, we get so wrapped up in negativity over an event that we become blind to any part we may have played in the outcome. Once you’ve separated the things you have no control over, it’s easier to acknowledge your part in the event because you could have controlled that, and having awareness of that now will make the same mistakes easier to avoid in the future. Even if you feel as though you really were not at fault in your specific situation, you may have allowed the negative situation to go on longer than you should have, and you can still learn to be more assertive in the future based on that. Just as crucial as acknowledging any part you played in the negative event, you must also forgive yourself for it. The important thing—as with all negative experiences—is how you use it to learn and grow for the future. By moving away from your role solely as a victim, you also remove the control the person or event has had over your life.

Declare a clean slate with the person. Forming new experiences with a person in order to put the past behind you is another important step. You’re more likely to replay the source of your negativity if you leave it as one of your final interactions with the person. In situations where it’s appropriate to remain in contact with the person, declare a clean slate, so you can begin building toward the future of the relationship rather dwelling on the past.

Choose to forgive the person. When you’re ready, make the active choice to forgive the person. Though forgiveness and forgetting ultimately take time, remember that they’re acts you perform for yourself so that you can move on from a positive space. Always think of the acts in this light rather than as a form of surrender to the cause of the negativity; getting over it is not capitulation. Before you can forgive the person, you may need to have a conversation where you share your thoughts and feelings about how they hurt you. You might also need them to show you that they're going to actively work to rebuild your trust. This can take time, but if you both work together, it can be done.

Letting Go of The Past

Realize negativity is an addictive state of mind. The reason we hold onto resentment and other negative emotions in the first place is because we tend to replay an event and the events leading up to it over and over in our minds, causing us to relive the emotional impact. Much like other addictive states, we often feel compelled to replay the event from which the negativity stems as opposed to choosing to do so. Understanding these emotions as an addictive state of mind is, therefore, a big first step to letting them go.

Realize you cannot change the past. One of the biggest reasons we hold onto negativity and replay the events is because we think we’ll eventually get the justice we deserve from the impactful event. In addition to realizing that reliving the source of the negativity is an addictive state of mind, you should also try to realize that you will never change the past by replicating old drama.

Examine the source. Negativity can easily be tied to certain feelings as well as people. You may resent someone who makes you feel a negative emotion in one instance because someone else in your past used to make you feel similarly on several occasions. By trying to examine the source of the negative emotions, you can determine if it’s even truly tied to the person with whom you’re quarreling at all.

Understand that you have no control over rejection. Whether you were actually rejected by a former significant other or simply feel as though you were rejected by being slighted or having your feelings invalidated, getting over it requires understanding that you have no control over being rejected. Much like realizing that you cannot change the past, realizing that you cannot control those who rejected you is about learning the futility of beating yourself up over something that is impossible to alter.