- Conditional love refers to love that is only shared if certain conditions are met. It means that someone may impose rules on how they show love to you.
- Unconditional love is love that is given freely, without any conditions or requirements to meet.
- When someone loves conditionally, they may have very high standards that they expect you to meet, or they might be controlling and unwilling to compromise.
Unconditional vs. Conditional Love
Conditional love refers to love shared only under certain conditions. In other words, someone who loves you conditionally doesn’t share their love freely; instead, they impose rules or terms on how they’ll give you their love. They may withhold love to get something from you or give it inconsistently—being affectionate sometimes and withdrawing when things get tough. Essentially, conditional love implies there’s a scenario where they could stop loving you or love you less, particularly if you do something they don’t approve of. For example, a significant other who says they’ll love you as long as you keep looking a certain way is showing conditional love (because they’re implying they might not love you if your appearance changes). Conditional love is not just something that can happen in romantic relationships. You may also experience conditional love from family, a parent, or a friend.
Unconditional love means loving others without any expectations. This is the type of love you’ll never have to earn or compete for! When someone loves you unconditionally, there’s no scenario in which they might stop loving you. Even when you fight or make mistakes, no matter what you do or look like, they’ll always keep loving you and have your back. For example, a parent who says they’re proud of you no matter what career you choose is showing unconditional love. If you lose your job and your partner says they love you and plan to stick by you no matter how much money you’re making, that’s unconditional love.
Conditional love has restrictions, and unconditional love doesn’t. The main difference between conditional and unconditional love is that conditional love comes with stipulations on how it’ll be given, while unconditional love is given freely. Conditional love can sometimes feel uncertain and inconsistent, leading to anxiety and stress, while unconditional love typically provides stability and security. For example, a partner who tells you that they’ll stay with you if you quit your job is showing conditional love because they’re attaching an expectation to their continued love and support. On the other hand, a partner who says they’re proud of your accomplishments and motivates you to pursue your dreams shows unconditional love because they’re not placing any stipulations on you.
Signs of Conditional Love in Romantic Relationships
You may feel like you’re never good enough for the other person. Do you get the feeling that nothing you do will please them enough? When someone only gives you love at certain times or implies that they’d love you more if you did something differently, they may leave you feeling like it’s impossible to win their affection. You may even think it’s your fault they won’t love you unconditionally—although that isn’t true at all. For example, your partner might say something like, “I’d like you more if you weren’t working all the time,” or “Maybe I’d have more fun with you if you tried to be adventurous.” “If” comments can essentially be their way of setting a condition and making you feel like you’ll never be good enough until that condition is met.
Being around them makes you feel drained and stressed. When you’re around someone who makes you feel like you need to work for their love, it’s easy to exhaust yourself trying to please them. Plus, you may start worrying about what will happen if you can’t live up to their expectations, which can make your stress and nervousness skyrocket around them. Do you feel tired at the thought of going on a date with your significant other? Does spending quality time with them feel more like a chore than a delight? For example, you might find yourself trying to relax and mentally recharge before hanging out with your partner because you know it’s going to take a lot of energy to spend time with them. You may even notice that your mental health declines over time the longer you’re with them. For example, you might develop low self-esteem because they don't offer enough support or feel depressed over how they treat you.
You may feel uneasy at the thought of seeing them. You’re more likely to feel safe and secure around someone who loves you unconditionally. When a person’s love is conditional, you may not feel safe with them emotionally and dread seeing them as a result. You might even come up with excuses to avoid them—like working late or having plans with friends. Do you feel a little queasy when you’re on your way to see them? Does it feel like your stomach is doing somersaults, or your palms are a little sweaty? Nervousness can often manifest in physical symptoms. You may also start worrying about what will happen when you’re with them. You might catch yourself thinking, “What if they get upset with me?” or “Will they make me feel bad about myself again?” After a while, you may start to internalize all of that conditional love and come to expect it from your partner—which can lead to instinctive uneasiness at the thought of seeing them.
Your partner doesn’t give you as much support as you give them. Does your significant other rely on you for moral support? Encouragement? If you’re their primary source of support, but they never do the same for you, that can indicate conditional love. They may just want someone around to boost their confidence—but it’s likely conditional love if they take far more than they give back to you. For example, your partner might insist you listen to them vent about their family for hours or fish for compliments when they feel insecure, then disappear when you need comfort after a bad day.
They’re affectionate in public but indifferent in private. If your significant other is someone who cares about appearances, their conditional love might revolve around having you there to make them look good. In that case, they might be super loving and sweet to you when other people are present but act uninterested in private because nobody else is there to see it. For example, your partner might be super attentive at a friend’s dinner party, always holding your hand and telling the other guests how great you are. Then, when you get home, your partner might suddenly drop the act and tell you they want to be left alone because they’re not trying to impress anyone anymore.
You’re unsure of how to communicate or behave around your partner. When your significant other loves you conditionally, it might sometimes feel like you’re walking on eggshells around them. You may worry that anything you say will upset or provoke their disapproval, so you avoid sharing your thoughts and opinions. You may even worry that they’ll withhold affection or support if you say the wrong thing. For instance: if your partner insisted that The Office isn’t a funny show, would you feel comfortable disagreeing and telling them that you love it? If you feel like you can tell your partner anything, that’s a great sign! But if you feel it’s more important to agree with them than talk about the things you love, you may be experiencing conditional love. Healthy relationships are all about good communication. A partner is someone you should always feel safe around, so remember: if they make you feel uncomfortable, that’s on them—not you.
Your partner is controlling and refuses to compromise. Does your partner always need to get their way? Do they try telling you what to do often but get upset when you disagree? Someone who loves conditionally may tell you how to act or what to do because they feel that’s the best way to ensure their conditions are met. Compromising is rarely an option for them, and they may refuse if you suggest it. You may even feel like there’s a power imbalance between you and your partner. They might intentionally make you feel inferior (while making themselves seem superior). A true partner should be your equal, not somebody who changes the dynamics of the relationship to make you feel insecure.
They’re judgmental toward you, both openly and behind your back. Someone who loves you conditionally might get upset or judgmental when they feel like you’re not meeting whatever standards they set for you. For example, they might make judgy comments about your weight or criticize that new piercing you got. It’s their way of making you feel insecure enough that you try harder to fulfill their conditions and expectations. A partner who says, “I wish you’d lose weight. I liked you more when we met” is an example of conditional love. They want you to feel like you’ll win their affection if you change when they should celebrate and appreciate you as you are.
They keep score of your mistakes. When you try to bring up an issue you have with your partner, do they immediately try to shift the blame to you? “Keeping score” is common in toxic relationships; if you have a grievance, no matter how reasonable it is, your partner might try to avoid taking responsibility for it by bringing up instances you made that same mistake (or some other mistake). For example, if you say, “It was your turn to clean the living room last week. Could you do it soon?” they might reply, “You forget to do that all the time; it’s not just me. Besides, you still haven’t done the laundry yet.”
They may try to gaslight you. “Gaslighting” is a type of manipulation that happens when a person twists words in order to make you doubt your own reality. Essentially, gaslighters may try to make you feel confused, or like you’re totally crazy to exert control over you. If your partner is prone to gaslighting rather than listening to your thoughts and concerns, that can indicate conditional love on their part. Gaslighting is another way of getting you to do what your partner wants, which is something they might try if their love is conditional. For instance, if you discussed a concern with your partner, they might say something like, “You’re overreacting, I never said that,” or “I only did that because I love you. Why can’t you see that?” if they’re trying to gaslight you.
Signs of Conditional Love from Parents
They have extremely high or unreasonable expectations of you. Many parents have high hopes for their kids, but parents who love their kids unconditionally will still show up for them when they don’t succeed or make a mistake. On the other hand, parents who love conditionally may be quick to punish their kids or withhold affection when they feel like their kids aren’t meeting their expectations. For example, saying, “I’ll be so proud if you get an A on your test tomorrow,” is an example of conditional love because the parent is implying they won’t be proud unless their child gets an A.
You have strong perfectionist instincts. When your parents have super high expectations, and you feel like you need to meet those expectations in order to win their love, you may instinctively become a bit of a perfectionist. Kids tend to pick up on their parents’ expectations from a young age, and if you’re afraid that making a mistake would make them upset, it’s natural to start feeling like everything you do must be perfect. There are certainly other reasons you might be a perfectionist—sometimes, it has nothing to do with your parents. Consider the root of your desire to do things perfectly. Do you do it for yourself, to meet your own internal standards? Or do you do it because you feel you need to, in order to impress your parents?
They shut down conversations with you rather than engaging. Parents who love conditionally may have low emotional intelligence; they don’t always know how to handle difficult discussions and may get upset if you try to get them out of their comfort zone. Rather than listening to you and working through their discomfort, your parents might shut down the conversation and refuse to listen further. For example, you might hear your parent say something like, “I don’t want to talk about this anymore. Just drop it!” or “You sound ridiculous; I can’t listen to this.”
They only acknowledge your achievements if it benefits them. Some parents feel they should get praise for their kids’ successes. A parent who loves conditionally might talk up the awards you’ve won or the amazing grades you get when they’re around other people, yet they might not have much of a reaction when it’s just you and them. Alternatively, if your parent has a specific idea of what they want you to do with your life, they might show affection when you take steps toward that goal but withdraw if you begin to make your own choices.
Can conditional love be a good thing?
Conditional love can be good when you use it to protect yourself. Conditional love is often associated with unfair expectations and toxic, controlling behavior, but that’s not always the case. Consider this: you don’t owe someone (a partner or parental figure, for example) unconditional love if they mistreat you. In other words, it’s okay to love someone on the implied condition that they treat you right. Conditional love isn’t always selfish, superficial, or toxic. Love can be conditional to a degree; the difference between good and bad conditional love is reasonable, healthy expectations rather than unreasonable or cruel ones. For example, wanting to be treated with love, respect, and honesty is still an expectation; it’s simply a very reasonable (and common) one. If your partner violates that expectation, you don’t have to keep loving them unconditionally. In short: do your best to be kind and caring to everyone in your life, but don’t be afraid to put your foot down or set boundaries around toxic people. Unconditional love is love with no strings attached. But it may not be possible to love your partner regardless of what they might do or say. You might love your partner very much, but if they are very abusive, you may not stay in that relationship. That does not mean that you don't love that person. So loving unconditionally is loving with no strings and making decisions out of love. It is actively loving, but not at the expense of who you are.
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