How to Live With a Neurotic

Understanding Neurotic Behavior

Notice what neurotic symptoms look like. The symptoms of neurosis vary depending on the specific neurotic disorder a person has. One commonality is that people with neurotic tendencies are firmly connected to reality — they do not experience hallucinations or delusions the way someone with a psychotic disorder might. However, you may notice some of the following: Persistent anxiety Persistent sadness or depression Anger, irritability when faced with stressful situations Low sense of self-worth Phobic avoidance of situations Compulsive behaviors Perfectionism Negative or cynical attitude Repetitive negative, disturbing, or unpleasant thoughts Easily annoyed

Understand what drives neurotic tendencies. Many people with neurotic tendencies never learned how to comfort, calm, reassure or feel good about themselves. Often, the person’s parents only gave comfort, reassurance, and praise if certain expectations were met; if the person did not meet his parent’s standards, these expressions of love were withheld. This can cause a lifetime of anxiety, fear, and guilt. This fear of conditional love may continue into adulthood. The neurotic person will become dependent on others to provide his sense of self-worth and seek reassurance from others, but still fears he must meet certain expectations or the person will not give comfort or reassurance. The neurotic person may also feel a deep rage and anger over the way he has been treated but, at the same time, afraid to express the anger for fear of losing the person and his source of comfort.

Realize the behavior stems from fear. Anxiety plays a huge role in a neurotic person's life, and she likely believes that people will eventually leave no matter what she does. Thus, much of her behavior comes from protecting herself from getting hurt. A neurotic person may become cold and distant when she actually needs reassurance and personal connection. Or she may swing from giving you the cold shoulder to seeming extremely needy and clingy. Try to reassure her that you are committed to her. For example, say “I am committed to you, and standing by you. Things won’t always be easy, but if we stick together, we’ll manage anything that comes our way.”

Recognize how a neurotic person reacts to stress. A neurotic person often has an extreme reaction to stress. Because he has limited coping skills, a neurotic person will usually react to stress in a destructive manner, from explosive anger to medicating with alcohol or drugs. The person may react to stress with other maladaptive behaviors, such as obsessive, ritualistic cleaning or ordering; binging and purging; or trichotillomania (pulling out his hair). The person’s anxiety and neurotic tendencies may also manifest as a phobia, and he may refuse to leave his apartment or enter social situations because of a social phobia.

Handling Their Feelings

Give the person time to open up. People with neurotic tendencies can come off as strategically introverted, and while they can sometimes be fun and gregarious, they seem to keep how they really feel and what they really think to themselves. While living with a neurotic person you might feel that he is not sharing personal things with you. This is not because he does not trust you; it's because he has never shared these things with anyone before, or he might have and did not receive a good response. To get the person to open up, you need to stay with him and show him that if he starts trusting you, it will not be a decision that he will regret. You can gain his trust by showing your trust in him. If you notice that he is agitated you could say, “Is everything OK?” or “You seem a bit bothered. Can I help you with something somehow?” This will help show him that you are really interested in him and how he is feeling.

Be patient and tolerant. When you're living with a person with neurotic tendencies, there will be times when you have to consciously make the decision to tolerate her. Patience is very important in living successfully with a neurotic person. Be the bigger person, steer clear from fights and misunderstandings, and tolerate her as much as you can, simply because you know better. There is so much going on inside the mind of a neurotic individual. Her unacceptable behavior might just be a defense mechanism for dealing with her feelings. If she is being hurtful, it may just be a means of keeping control over her life. Remind yourself it's the neurosis and not the person who's speaking to you like this; remembering this will help you be more tolerant. If you get into a confrontation with the person, try explaining that you need a little bit of time to calm down. For example, “I’m getting a bit worked up over this conversation, and I don’t want to say something hurtful out of anger because I care about you very much. Let’s try again in an hour.”

Encourage the person to seek treatment. A neurotic person can benefit greatly from therapy to unlearn the negative beliefs (such as that he is unlovable) that are driving his neurotic tendencies. Psychotherapy, cognitive-behavioral therapy, art or music therapy, psychoactive drugs, and relaxation exercises can all help treat a neurotic disorder. Try saying something like: “You seem like you’re having a really difficult time right now. Would you consider talking to someone about how you’re feeling?” It may also be helpful if you seek help from a therapist. This will give you a safe place to vent your frustrations, and she can likely offer you advice on how to deal with this person lovingly. Some people are very resistant to any sort of emotional health treatment because of the stigma surrounding mental health. Be patient with the person, offer to go with him, or mention that you have sought help in dealing with your own problems. This will demonstrate to him that you don’t see therapy as something for people who are “sick,” but as a means of dealing with the problems and challenges of life in general.

Know how the person can get diagnosed. Diagnosing neurosis requires the professional assessment of a medical doctor and a mental health professional. The person's doctor will take a detailed medical history and she may be asked to undergo a thorough physical test. When health issues are cleared, mental health exams done by a psychiatrist are usually recommended. Physical tests may be done to make sure that the symptoms she is experiencing are not being caused by health issues like mitral valve prolapse, brain tumor, or thyroid problems, which can also cause many neurotic-like symptoms such as hyperventilation and abnormal pounding of the heart. A psychologist may administer the following tests to diagnose and assess neurosis: the Neuroticism Extraversion and Openness (NEO-R) scale, the Sixteen Personality Factor Questionnaire (16PF), and the Social Maladjustment Schedule.

Navigating Tough Times

Disengage from confrontation. Neurotic people have difficulty with stable moods, harbor feelings of anger and guilt, and nurture fear and anxiety in their thoughts. This is the reason why they are very volatile and exhibit extreme reactions to little things you say or do and things that are taken lightly by “normal” people. Thus, if you can avoid confrontation with the individual, it is best to do so. Keep in mind that it will be difficult for them to be rational, especially in the midst of a heated altercation. Although it may be tempting to continue arguing, do your best to disengage from the unhealthy exchange, wait for the person to cool down, and talk to him later. However, because neurotic people often fear abandonment, assure the person you are not leaving for good or giving up; you are just taking a break. When/If you decide to approach the conversation again, keep your voice soft, and try to phrase the conversation in a way that helps him feel less defensive. For example, don’t accuse him of doing something wrong.

Avoid being too critical. It is easy to criticize a neurotic person, especially when you feel like people with neurotic tendencies have some level of awareness of their mental processes. But it is also true that, although she may know about her behavior, she needs help dealing with her emotions. This does not mean she should get away with everything. If she says something that hurts you, then you should try to talk to her about it. It may be useful to employ nonviolent communication in these situations. This involves simply stating what you have observed without evaluating why the person chose to say or do what they did. For example, you can say, “You said that you don’t like having me around. I’m feeling hurt, and wondering if we can talk about what you meant by that statement?” This will help the neurotic person avoid feeling defensive.

Set limits. It is great that you have decided to stand by your loved-one and support him throughout his life in spite of this behavior; however, you need to set limits for yourself. If the person you live with is abusing you physically or verbally, you need to leave. Don’t be afraid to discuss your limits with the person you live with. Explain that you love him, and wish to stand by him, but that if he abuses you, or takes advantage of you, you cannot stay. What the limits are will vary from person to person; however, for example, you could say, “You are a very important person in my life, and I am committed to working through the tough times; however, I cannot stick around if you are physically or verbally abusive towards me. I hope you understand that this is a boundary that I have to set for myself.”

Know that this is your decision. There will be times that are very hard, and times that are good, too. There will be moments when you want to leave and start a new life. You should remember that it is your decision to stay, and that you are not obligated to this person. Do not feel guilty for having these emotions. It's completely normal. If you do make up your mind to stay no matter what, take strides to be hopeful. With this hope you can go on, believing that one day she will become better; it's not impossible!

Offering Support

Help the person feel loved. There is evidence that a healthy, loving relationship can have a stabilizing effect on someone with neurotic tendencies. The support of a committed partner and the positive emotional experiences can increase the neurotic person’s confidence and decrease the insecurity and low-self esteem typically experienced by neurotic people. People with neurotic tendencies feel that they are unloved, or that love is only conditional. Because of this, they often take everything in a much more serious way than "normal." A single fight might force the person to think that the relationship is over. Help the person understand that love isn't so black and white, and that even in the hard times, you'll be there. Do things to make her feel that she means a lot to you and you love her, despite the condition. If she starts feeling that somebody is there to love her, she may feel more secure. Assure her that you are in it for the long-haul. For example, you can say, “I love you and cherish your presence in my life” or you can point out something specific that you really love about her. For example, “You have a very kind and generous heart, and it is one of my favorite things about you.” You could also try pointing out that everyone has flaws if she is feeling particularly insecure about herself. For example, “You know, you have to put up with me, too,” and point out something that you know gets on her nerves. However, try to keep this sort of conversation light. You don’t want to start hashing out all the negative things about you and this person.

Help the person not feel guilty. The person may be well aware that his behavior is not always acceptable, but it may also be difficult for him to stop himself from engaging in hurtful behavior. He very likely doesn’t know why he behaves this way, and he may feel sorry for it, but doesn’t know what to do about it. Reassure him by talking about how you hope he can improve his behavior, but that you know it can be hard for him. Reassure him that you love him, and want to help him get better. For example, you could say, “I could see that you were really struggling, and that you wanted to do the right thing, but were too angry to react differently. We all lose control sometimes.” You could also say, “Next time something like that happens you can try to learn from the situation and use it to react differently. I love you very much, and I know that was a tough moment for you.”

Avoid encouraging negative behavior. When the person tries to engage in behavior that you don’t find appropriate, do your best to discourage it. For example, if she starts talking about how everyone hates her, you can try asking her what makes her think that. Point out a few examples of good experiences she has had with other people, or list off people you know love and care for her. Sometimes, it may be best to just walk away for a few minutes. If you feel that you are about to get angry with her for her behavior, you should do your best to cool off before continuing any conversations. However, you should assure the person that you are coming back.

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