How to React when Insulted or Teased

Never blame yourself.

Teasing and bullying are the other person’s fault, not yours. People who tease and insult others are insecure. Their bullying is often driven by fear, narcissism, and the need to control a situation. Picking on others makes them feel powerful. It’s not your fault in any way that you’ve become their target. What they say might still hurt, but remind yourself that you don’t deserve it at all. Recognizing that it’s about them, not you, will help you gain confidence in the situation.

Use humor against playful teasing.

Try a humorous response if the person isn’t mean-spirited. Humor can diffuse an uncomfortable situation, disarm the aggressor, and even undermine their teasing. Try making a joke when someone teases you in an attempt to be playful or funny themselves, not purposely hurtful. That said, don’t feel like you have to join in on your own teasing—if using humor doesn’t feel right to you, don’t do it. If your coworker mocks the poster you brought to a conference, try saying, “You’re right. This is a lousy poster. I really shouldn’t have let my five-year-old do my work for me.” Another option might be to act shocked and engage in some playful banter with the person. For example, you might say something like, “Oh my goodness! You’re right! Thank you for helping me to see the light!”

Call them out on their bullying.

Be direct with them when humor or ignoring won’t cut it. Use a firm yet calm tone. Make it clear that you are not pleased—be serious, not jokey, angry, fearful, submissive, or apologetic. Explain in direct language why you are not okay with their teasing, insults, or bullying. Say something like this if a classmate teases you about your shoes: “It makes me upset when you insult me in front of our classmates. Please stop it.” If your co-workers are heckling you in a sexist way, say something like this: “Your so-called playful teasing is actually sexual harassment. If it happens again I’ll report you to our supervisor.”

Take a deep, calming breath.

Make sure you can respond to a bully calmly and clearly. Instead of letting your immediate emotional reaction control your response, pause for a moment and breathe deeply to calm yourself. Keep your cool and stay grounded so you can say exactly what you want to say in just the way you want to express it. There’s nothing wrong with being upset and angry—you have every right to feel that way when you’re being bullied. Don’t think you have to ignore or reject these feelings; instead, manage them in the moment so you can react effectively.

Don’t insult them back.

Avoid giving a bully the angry response they’re looking for. Reacting aggressively, such as by insulting them back, adds fuel to the bully’s fire. Don’t give them the satisfaction of “pushing your buttons” and getting an emotional response. Instead of getting angry or falling into a tit-for-tat insult war, take positive action to prevent the bullying from happening repeatedly. If you insult them back, they’ll just turn around and insult you again, and things will just keep getting worse.

Walk away or just avoid them.

Spend as little time as you can around a bully. Avoiding a bully can help minimize the insults and teasing you experience. While this is not always possible, come up with ways to reduce the amount of time you spend around the bully, or even avoid contact altogether. However, don’t feel like you have to sacrifice your interests, goals, or happiness in order to avoid a bully. If that’s the case, respond more directly to them. If it’s an offhand insult by someone who doesn’t seem to have a mean intention, it may be best to just ignore it completely. However, if you sense that there’s any kind of pattern to their insults, ignoring them probably won’t help. If you are being teased while walking home from school, you might take a different but still convenient route that avoids the bully. If you are being teased or insulted online, consider deleting the bully from your social media networks or limiting the time you spend on certain platforms.

Consider the person’s motivation.

Knowing why they’re targeting you helps you to respond. They might tease you in an attempt to make themselves feel better, or out of jealousy, or because they don't understand you or the situation as well as they could. Ask yourself whether they’re intentionally trying to hurt you or if they’re just doing a bad job of attempting to have some fun. Also, think about how they’re likely to react to different types of responses on your part. For example, the coworker who always insults your clothing may feel like you are getting more credit than you deserve from your boss. In another example, your aggressor might be teasing you because they do not understand that your disability prevents you from fully participating in an activity. Or, a relative or close friend might tease you about something, such as a quirk that they find amusing about you, and not realize it bothers you.

Plan your response to repeated teasing.

Practice ahead of time so you can react in an effective way. If you must spend time with a person who repeatedly insults or teases you, come up with a plan for how you will address the situation. Thinking through ways you can respond and role-playing your response can help you handle the situation. Practice role-playing with a trusted friend or family member. For example, have your best friend say, “Anna, your haircut is really awful.” You can respond with, “Thank you for your opinion, but I like it and that is what matters.” If your boss is insulting you in a belittling way, come up with a plan. Practice with a friend, saying something like the following: “Bob, your teasing about the way I talk is hurtful and unprofessional, even if you don’t mean it to be. Please stop or I will report it to human resources.”

Talk with the person.

Have a conversation if your bully is willing to talk. For example, if you are being repeatedly insulted by a friend or family member, it might be time to sit down and have a conversation about the abuse. Be direct about how the teasing makes you feel and how the harassment affects your life. Listen carefully to what they have to say and look for a way to resolve the issue together. If your mother continually insults your appearance, try saying, “Mom, I feel hurt when you comment on my clothing, hair, or makeup. It hurts my feelings. From now on, please stop making these comments.” Even if the teasing isn’t malicious, you can still say something to the person if it bothers you: "I love hanging out with you and it's fun teasing each other sometimes, but the following topics hurt my feelings and those are off-limits now: clothes, husband, kids, etc…”

Talk to your parents if you're a kid.

Give them the opportunity to help you deal with bullying. If you are a child or teenager and are being teased or insulted, it is important that you let your parents/guardians know what is going on. Tell them about the situation and ask for their help in resolving it. Try saying something like, "Mom and Dad, I have been getting teased by someone at school and I have tried to get them to stop, but it is not working."

Tell a trusted adult if it happens at school.

Reach out to a teacher or another person you’re comfortable with. If someone at school is insulting or teasing you, touch base with your teacher, school counselor, or even the school nurse. These educational professionals can help you devise a strategy for dealing with the situation. Try saying something like, "I’m being teased by the girls who sit by me in biology class and I’m not sure what to do."

Contact HR if you're getting teased at work.

Go through the proper channels to deal with workplace bullying. If you are being insulted or teased at your place of work, it is important that you document the abuse and follow the designated process. Write down when the abuse happened and what was said or done. Discuss the issue with your boss or go straight to human resources and report the situation. Try saying something like, "Joe Smith in accounting insults my religious beliefs on a regular basis and it is affecting me. I would like some help to resolve this situation."

Report serious harassment any time.

Don’t let harmful, repeated, or illegal bullying stand. It’s not a sign of weakness to report hurtful insults and teasing to a teacher, supervisor, parent, or other authority figure. Whenever bullying crosses the line, you owe it to yourself to report it. You’ll be helping the person doing the bullying as well, and may prevent others from being bullied by them. You have a right to feel safe at school and have a distraction-free environment to learn. If someone is teasing you in a way that makes you feel unsafe or interferes with your ability to learn, talk to your parents or teacher about it. Sometimes teasing or insults violate the law. For example, if you have a co-worker who is sexually harassing you by commenting on your body, this is a violation of the law and should be reported immediately. Report teasing and insults based on your identity—such as your gender, sexuality, race, ethnicity, religion, or disability. This type of harassment is serious and may be illegal. Tell an authority figure if you are being teased or insulted in this way.