Preparing to Reconcile
Recognize that it is different than forgiveness. People often confuse forgiveness and reconciliation. Forgiveness is something that only requires one person, but reconciliation requires two people. If someone is unwilling to reconcile, you cannot do it alone. If the other person is not ready, now may not be the time to reconcile. Never beg or grovel for the other person to speak to you or hear what you have to say. You are only in control of your own actions. If the other person is unwilling to speak with you about the situation, give them time and space.
Set realistic expectations. Because reconciliation is a process, do not expect things to go back to normal after one conversation. Focus on the small victories along the way instead of the final outcome. It takes time for relationships to heal. An example of a small victory would be having a pleasant conversation or discussing an issue without raising your voice.
Set aside your ego. Reconciliation requires honesty. Whether you were the offender or the offended, prepare to hear things about yourself that you may not like. Be willing to admit that you were wrong, that you were hurt, and to see things from the other person's perspective. Your desire and willingness to reconcile shows your strength. It may be helpful to journal about these feelings before you talk to the person. This will allow you to work through your thoughts and anticipate some of the conversations that you will be having.
Evaluate the broken relationship. Take time to sit and think about what went wrong in the relationship. Write down the specific issues and how you contributed to them. Also, write down possible solutions to the issues that you identified. This will help you stay focused when you are talking to the other person and will also show him or her that you are committed to working on the relationship. As you brainstorm for possible solutions, think of the specific issue, write down how you contributed to the issue and the effect it had on the other person. Consider how the other person viewed your actions and how it made him or her feel. Then think of how the other person contributed to the issue and how his or her actions made you feel. Any possible solutions that you come up with should be helpful to both you and the other person. This may be difficult as you may still feel anger or resentment towards the person. You will have to make a conscious decision to put yourself in the other person's shoes. Imagine how the other person feels. Did he or she feel angry, hurt, or disgusted? Think of a time when you felt those same emotions. This will allow you to establish some common ground with the other person.
Starting the Reconciliation Process
State your desire for a positive outcome. Begin the process by telling the other person your intentions. When trust has been broken, it may be difficult to be sure of someone's intentions. It is important that you express your genuine desire to work on the relationship. You may say, "I know things have not been going well between us, but I would really like to work on making things better."
Acknowledge any anger and resentment. Most likely, both you and the other person feel hurt or wronged. You should not pretend that these feelings do not exist. Tell the other person why you are angry or resentful. You should also allow the other person to express any anger he or she feels as well. It may help to write down your feelings before talking to the person. If you do not write out your feelings prior to talking, you and the other person can write down how you feel and exchange your writings. When someone expresses their anger to you, do not be dismissive. Avoid saying things like, "You should not feel that way." or "That does not make any sense." Instead try saying, "You have a right to feel that way." or "I understand where you are coming from."
Listen to the other person's perspective. Allow the other person to talk about the relationship from his or her vantage point. Understanding both sides of the issue will keep you from making the same mistakes in the future. You and the other person need to empathize with each other. Empathy can also lessen feelings of hurt and anger. Ask yourself what you would do if you were in the other person's shoes. Think about how you would feel, how you would react, and what expectations you would have of yourself Give the person your complete attention when they are talking. Do not think of your retort as the other person is talking. Wait until he or she is finished before you respond.
Apologize for any wrongdoing. After feelings and emotions have been discussed, you should apologize for any way you contributed to those feelings. When you apologize for hurting someone, you validate his or her hurt. It is your way of saying you respect and have empathy for what the other person experienced. Your apology should state that you regret what you did, you take responsibility for your actions, and you are willing to actually do something to make the situation better. Apologizing to someone is not anything to be ashamed about. It takes a big person to apologize. This does not mean that you are weak. You can simply say, "I'm sorry for the hurt that I have caused you. I should not have done what I did. I will not do it again." Try to be as specific as you can about what you are apologizing for. A vague apology may not seem genuine to the other person. If you are accepting an apology, thank the person and acknowledge what he or she has done. You may say, "I accept your apology." or "I accept your apology. I know that was difficult for you."
Ask for and/or accept forgiveness. Once you have apologized for any wrongdoing, it is time to begin the process of forgiveness. Your apology signaled that you regret what you have done and take responsibility, but forgiveness is much deeper than acknowledgment. Forgiveness allows you to express any hurt or resentment, understand the root of your emotions, and finally let go of the negative feelings. If you are the one asking for forgiveness, be honest about your wrongdoings and ask the other person to forgive you. If you are the one accepting the forgiveness, it does not make you weak or mean that it excuses the other person's behavior. Forgiveness is a choice. Both people are releasing any anger, resentment and blame. Do not accept or ask for forgiveness if it is not genuine. If you are not ready to forgive, let the other person know. You can say, "I am still working through this, please be patient with me." If the other person is not willing to forgive you, you do not have to beg for them to forgive you. All you can do is try. You can keep your dignity and wait for them to come around. Forgiveness makes reconciliation easier, but it is not a requirement. Even if you or the other person is not ready to forgive, reconciliation is still possible.
Focus on the present. Once you have discussed the hurt, forgiven, and apologized, it is important to focus on the next steps. Constantly rehashing old conversations and past behaviors can be harmful to the reconciliation process. Reconciliation is focused on rebuilding and repairing the relationship. Mutually agree to leave the past in the past. Take turns telling each other your vision for the future of the relationship. Make a list of practical action items. Simple things such as weekly phone conversations or a monthly dinner may be agreed upon.
Begin to rebuild trust. Trust is the foundation of any relationship. Once broken, it takes time and effort to rebuild trust. Both you and the other person must continue to communicate openly and honestly, be consistent with your actions, and be patient. There will be setbacks sometimes. Your words and your actions need to match. If you say you are going to spend time with the person or call him or her at the end of the week, follow through. If you hurt the other person's feelings, apologize immediately. If you have been hurt, speak up and let the other person know.
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