How to Say No Respectfully

Creating Guidelines for Saying No

Give yourself rules about how much you can do. Your impulse might be to say “yes” to everything. This can result in you becoming exhausted, overbooked, and stressed out. Instead of defaulting to “yes,” be prepared to say “no.” You can do this by creating a structure for how you spend your time. Maybe you are cranky if you go out more than two evenings in one week. If this is the case, create a rule for yourself that two nights is your limit. If someone asks you to do something after your limit is reached, you'll feel justified saying no. You can also apply this to other situations. For example, agree to only participating in one fundraiser a semester at your child's school. Set a limit of meeting someone for lunch only one day during the workweek. Try to balance your schedule. On days when you have a lot of work responsibilities, schedule some time for self-care when you come home.

Schedule your time carefully. Account for all of your activities. For example, if you plan to grocery shop on Saturday morning, mark it on your calendar. That way, if someone asks you to fill in as soccer coach on Saturday morning you can legitimately say that you already have something on your calendar. You can even schedule things like alone time for yourself. This method can help you make sure that you get everything done that you need (or want) to do. Of course, if something important comes up, you can always be flexible and make an exception. For example, if you need to visit the dentist, you might have to cancel your relaxing Saturday morning.

Stick to your priorities. You can't do everything, so it is important to be able to give a respectful “no.” Write down your priorities each day, and commit to getting them done. If someone asks you to do something not in line with those goals, you can say no. For example, maybe your list says, “finish presentation for Monday, write objectives for next week's department meeting, leave on time for Aunt Ruth's birthday dinner.” If a coworker asks you to stay late to help them with their own project, it is okay to say, “I'm sorry, I have a family commitment this evening.”

Ask yourself if you want to accept. Take a moment to think before you respond to an invitation. You don't have to accept every offer that you receive. If you try to stick to things that you actually want to do, you will likely feel happier and more relaxed. If an acquaintance asks you to join their spin class and you're more of a yoga person, don't feel bad about declining. You can ask them if they'd like to join you in your class! You don't have to say yes every time someone asks you on a date. Even if you're in a relationship, you still need some alone time. You can say, "Thanks for asking, but I really just feel like staying home alone." If your partner pressures you, you may want to reassess your relationship. Of course, you will sometimes have to do things that you don't feel like doing. But don't feel like you have to attend every work happy hour just to be polite. Give yourself some time before you answer. It can sometimes take a few hours or even a day to think about an invitation. Take some time so you can determine if it fits your schedule and priorities.

Focus on the benefits of saying no. It's normal to feel guilty for turning someone down. To keep yourself from feeling this way, try to remind yourself of the positive aspects of saying no. For example, maybe you'll feel much more rested if you turn down an invite to a party. Or maybe you can focus on a major project at work if you turn down a smaller, less important opportunity.

Coming up With a Thoughtful Response

Keep your explanation simple. You have the option of not giving a reason or excuse for saying no. Remember, it is your right to decline to do things, and you don't own anyone an explanation. You can simply respond, "no," but if you feel like adding more, you can still be respectful while keeping it simple. You could say, “I'm sorry, that just won't work for me.” Another way to say no is simply, “No, I can't do that.” If someone asks if they can buy you a drink, feel free to just say, "No, thanks."

Think before you speak. If you say no immediately, it might seem like you didn't even consider the request. In order to be respectful, take a moment to think about your answer--even if you already know what it is going to be. Take a pause, and then kindly say no. You could say, “Let me check my calendar. I believe I already have a commitment that weekend.” Try counting slowly to three before responding. This way, you'll seem to be considering the request.

Make a positive statement. A respectful response is not one that sounds overly negative. When turning someone down, find a way to inject a positive attitude into your words. It also helps if you use a friendly tone of voice! For example, you could say, “Wow! A cookie exchange sounds like such a fun idea! I'm sorry that I won't be able to come. It sounds like I'll be missing a good time.”

Be gracious. It's important not to sound rude. Don't say something like, “No, why would I want to do that?” Instead, be kind and gracious. Say things like, “That's so nice of you to think of me, but I'm really not interested in learning to snowshoe.” You can also say, “I'm afraid I can't dog sit for you. Your puppy is cute, but I don't think my cat would agree.”

Show gratitude. Make it clear that you genuinely appreciate being asked. If you have to turn someone down, express your thanks that they thought of you in the first place. You could say something like, “Thanks for considering me responsible enough to watch your kids. I'm sorry that I'm busy that evening.” You can also say, “I appreciate that you think I'd make a good team captain. However, I'm more comfortable not having a leadership role.”

Give a clear answer. Saying no respectfully dictates that your be honest and direct. Do not give people false hope that you will be able to fulfill their request. If you can't help, say so. Instead of, “Maybe I can try to make that work,” say, “I'm sorry, I have my own presentation to finish. I can't help with yours.” If someone is asking you on a date and you don't want to go, make that clear. You can say, "I'm sorry, but I just don't feel a connection. I'm going to have to turn down your offer."

Offer encouragement. You can kindly turn down requests by including some friendly words. Try building the other person's confidence a bit. You can say, “You've been doing great managing your new team. I'm not available to help you run the meeting, but I know you'll be just fine on your own." Maybe one of your friends wants to take your relationship to the next level. Try saying, "I know you're an awesome person. That's why I value you as a friend, and I'd love for things to stay that way."

Providing Justification

Use someone else as the reason. You don't have to shoulder the full responsibility for declining an offer. You can feel free to use someone else as part of your justification. Try saying, “Thanks, but my trainer doesn't think it's a good idea for me skip a workout in order to go to happy hour.” Offer your family as an excuse. You can say, “I'd love to, but I promised my daughter that Sunday afternoons will be our special time together.” Be careful not to blame others. You can just use them to explain your prior commitments.

Explain your schedule if you are feeling pressured by someone. If you feel bad about saying no, you can explain your other commitments. This is also a helpful approach if someone is trying to pressure you. Say, “My boss has me working until seven on Wednesday evenings, so I really can't attend your book club.” If it is something that you want to do, say, “None of those times work for me. Can you send me more dates? I'd love to make this work.”

Have a reason ready. If you want to say no but you can't think of a reason that won't hurt someone's feelings, trying have an excuse ready. You don't need to lie or think of an elaborate story. It's perfectly valid to say something generic like, "I have another commitment."

Find a way to compromise. You can say no without completely turning down the request. By setting boundaries, you can make it clear exactly what you can do and what you are willing to do. For example, you could say, “I'm not free for dinner, but I would be up for grabbing a quick drink after work.” For example, you could say, “Unfortunately, I don't have the time this year to chair that committee. Planning the meetings would be too much for me right now. However, I'm happy to continue to serve as a regular committee member.” Maybe the person you're dating expects you to attend all of their work functions with them. It is okay to say, "I'm sorry, I have my own thing that night. But let's have dinner this weekend!" If your partner doesn't respect your boundaries, you'll need to have a talk with them about your needs.