Signs of Sex Obsession
Pay attention to how he treats you. One of the best ways to tell if a guy is obsessed with sex is to examine how he acts when he’s with you. Behavior such as frequently trying to initiate sexual acts or bring a sexual element into situations that really aren’t sexual may be an indicator that he’s focused on sex. For instance, if he always wants to watch movies or TV shows that have lots of nudity or sex scenes, you might take it as a sign that he is sex obsessed. Or, for example, if every time you’re together he wants to do sexual things, he may be obsessed with sex. Physical affection does not always need to lead to sex, and if he expects physical affection to always lead to sex, then this could be a clue about his attitude towards sex.
Listen to what he says. The things that guys talk about with their friends, partners, and other people close to them can tell you a lot about them. Pay attention to how frequently you hear or hear about conversations that he has that are sexual in nature. While some sex talk is normal for everyone, if you rarely hear him talking about anything other than sex, he might be sex obsessed. Does he, for example, add a sexual comment or joke to conversations that have nothing to do with sex?
Pay attention to his interactions with others. You can tell if a guy is obsessed with sex by watching how flirtatious and sexual he acts around others. Most people flirt occasionally or include sexual innuendos every now and then. But, if he seems to always be flirting or continually bringing a sexual component into his interactions, he may have a sex obsession. For example, if the first kinds of comments he makes about people are of a sexual nature, or if his value of people is based primarily on their sexual desirability, then this could be another clue.
Ask about past relationships. Often guys that are obsessed with sex have trouble maintaining relationships because of their focus on sex. They may ruin long-term relationships by cheating or end them because they feel they need more sex. The more you know about why a guy’s past relationships ended, the easier it may be for you to tell if a guy is sex obsessed. Ask him directly why his previous relationships ended. You might say, “Can you tell me about your other relationships? Did you have any problems with infidelity?”
Signs of Sexual Addiction
Look out for lying. One of the first signs you may get that a guy has a sexual addiction is that he is dishonest with you. Sexual addicts often have to lie in order to cover up their obsession and their behavior. While you don't have to dissect everything the guy says, you should be alert for blatant dishonesty or inconsistencies that you notice. For example, if a guy tells you he spent the weekend doing work, but you find tickets to a strip club in the trash, it definitely suggests he isn’t being honest with you. However, keep in mind that it is rare to find this kind of obvious confirmation about a person’s lies. You may notice more subtle things, such as him spending lots of money and not having a good explanation about where it went. Or, you might find he is not where he said he would be when you go to check up on him.
Watch for sexual risk-taking. Sex addicts often do things that put themselves and others at risk for physical, emotional, and other problems because of their obsession with sex. Although it includes several different behaviors, taking sexual risks on a regular basis may be a clear sign that a guy has a sex addiction. Check to see if he has a criminal record, such as for hiring prostitutes, as a way to determine if he engages in risky sexual behavior.
Find out if sex is interfering with obligations. For guys that have a sexual addiction, their thoughts about sex and efforts to engage in it may result in them neglecting other responsibilities and obligations. Pay attention to how well the guy is addressing other areas of his life to get an indication of whether he is a sex addict. For example, has the guy been neglecting or missing school or work for seemingly no good reason? Or has he been fired from his job? Or, for instance, a guy may neglect bills and other financial obligations because of money they are spending on their obsession with sex.
Be aware of the risks to you. If you’re in a relationship with a guy that is a sex addict, you have to realize that his addiction doesn't just affect him. Because sexual addicts often engage in risky behavior, it puts you at risk for stress, emotional strain, financial problems, health issues, and more. Make sure you’re taking proper precautions in all areas of your life. For example, you should make efforts to avoid unprotected sex with a guy who you think has a sex addiction. It is perfectly acceptable to request that a sexual partner provide documentation that they have recently had an STD screening. You may want to make it harder for him to access money, credit cards, or your other financial information. Avoid putting yourself in sexual situations, or being alone with a guy that seems aggressive in addition to showing signs of a sexual addiction.
Find help for the guy. If you do know a guy who shows many of the signs of sexual addiction, you should support him in getting help. In some cases, the guy may not see his behavior as a problem and may not want help. In other cases, though, your support could help the guy address his problems and treat his addiction. For example, you might tell your new boyfriend, “Based on several things I’ve noticed, I think you have a sexual addiction. Can we talk about it and about getting you help?” You might suggest he review the information about treatment for sexual addiction provided by Psychcentral. Keep in mind that you might have to have a series of conversations about your concerns as he opens up to the idea of having a problem. He may be very defensive about it at first. Give him time to process what you have to say and see if this changes.
Make sure your emotional needs are met. It can be easy to become focused on someone else's issues. But if you are in any type of relationship with this person, it's important to make sure that your feelings are a priority, too. Whether you are friends or in a romantic relationship, remember that you matter in this relationship, too. If you feel ignored, anxious, or have difficulties expressing your feelings, your needs are probably not being met. Try setting some boundaries. Don't be afraid to say, "I need to take some time to focus on myself."
Try counseling. If you are in a romantic relationship with someone who is sex obsessed, you might find yourself feeling frustrated or even angry. Ask your partner if he is willing to try couples counseling with you. This can be a great way to find solutions to relationship problems. If your partner doesn't want to seek counseling, you can go on your own. You might find it very helpful to talk through the issues in your relationship. Help is also available through Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA). This organization is open to people with addiction and their partners.
Normal Sexual Behavior
Do your research. Before forming an opinion, you want to make sure that you know the facts. If you think someone has a serious issue, it is a good idea to make sure that you actually understand the condition. Go to the library or ask a doctor for some good resources. Avoid sites that have a particular religious or political bias. Rely on objective sites such as Sex Help. Objective sites will include plenty of objective, scientific evidence and psychological research for their claims.
Recognize normal sexual behavior. Thinking about sex a lot or frequently engaging in sexual activities doesn’t necessarily mean that a guy is obsessed with sex. In fact, sexual thoughts and actions are a normal part of life. This is true for boys going through puberty as well as for young and older men. Remind yourself that both men and women of all ages have sexual urges and thoughts. It’s the way these thoughts and feelings are handled that distinguish normal behavior and sex obsession. For instance, a guy may want to have sex several times a week with his partner. This could be considered normal sexual behavior, not a sign of sex obsession. It is also normal if you do not want to have sex this much. The difference in the amount that he wants to have sex versus the amount you want to have sex may just be an indication that you are not compatible.
Identify regular displays of affection. Sometimes guys, just like girls, want to display and receive affection and it may not have anything to do with sex. They may just want comfort and physical contact. It is perfectly normal for a guy to display affection without sex ever entering his mind. For example, a guy may just want to sit and cuddle with you and it may not have anything to do with sex.
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