- A man might lie to you to avoid confrontation and protect himself, especially if he thinks you will get angry at him.
- He could also lie to you because he’s ashamed of his behavior and he doesn’t want to let you down.
- If you think your partner is lying because he's afraid of you or ashamed of his actions, encourage him to open up by sharing something personal about yourself.
Reasons Why Men Lie
He wants to avoid conflict. If a man does something that he knows you’ll be upset about, he might lie to you because he doesn’t want to fight. He might view lying as the only way to protect himself and avoid confrontation, especially if he knows he’s in the wrong. If you’ve been together for a while, he can probably predict your reaction to the truth, and he doesn’t want you to get angry at him or call out his behavior.
He feels ashamed about his actions. Sometimes, men lie because they feel insecure or embarrassed about themselves. For instance, if your partner starts a new diet to lose weight (but gains weight instead), he might lie to you about shedding a few pounds because he feels ashamed about giving in to food. This is an example of a white lie—it isn’t malicious, but it can take a toll on the person telling the lie and possibly lead to a harmful cycle of lying.
He wants to protect you. A man might lie to you because he thinks the truth will harm you, and he wants to protect your physical and/or emotional well-being. For example, if your partner tells you that he likes your outfit (when he secretly doesn’t), he’s probably just trying to save your feelings. This type of lie is altruistic because it involves caring about someone else, so it’s the biggest reason for lying in people who have high levels of empathy.
He wants to protect his reputation. Some men lie because they want to avoid judgment for their current or previous actions. If your partner cheated on his ex-girlfriend, for instance, he might lie to you about his behavior so you don’t see him in a different light. Lying allows him to preserve his reputation so he appears like a caring and emotionally-mature partner.
He uses lying as a coping mechanism. In some cases, men develop a compulsive lying habit to cope with low self-esteem or childhood trauma. This might occur if your partner was punished for telling the truth or he didn’t receive much attention growing up. He might feel like he can’t be honest with you, so he uses lying to “make up” for what he lacks or to avoid harm. Sometimes, lying is a learned trait from parents, siblings, or friends. If your partner grew up around dishonest people, he might think lying is completely normal and harmless.
He’s trying to make himself look better. If a man brags about his height, career, finances, or sexual performance, he might be over exaggerating to appear more masculine and desirable. He wants to impress you so you’ll see him in a positive light (and he’ll have a greater chance to win you over).
He wants to sleep with you. If a man wants to have sex with you, he might lie about his interests or intentions to get what he wants. For instance, he could lie about liking all the same things as you to make it seem like you two have a lot in common. Or, he might claim that he wants to get to know you when he doesn’t care at all. This is an example of manipulation, and it’s not okay. If you suspect that someone is trying to manipulate you, get outside help from a trusted friend or family member. Let your loved ones know what's going on to see if the other person is using you to their advantage.
He wants to keep some things private. A man might lie to you if he prefers to keep personal information to himself, especially if it doesn’t directly involve you. Maybe he doesn’t want you to know about certain moments from his past. Or, maybe he’s hiding things about his childhood or family. Some people feel more comfortable sharing this type of information than others, but both partners have a right to privacy in a healthy relationship. Lying becomes a bigger issue if your partner feels like he can’t tell you the truth or he continues to lie about things that he doesn’t want you to find out.
He wants to avoid responsibilities. Sometimes, men tell lies to escape certain tasks or situations. For instance, your partner might lie about feeling sick if he doesn’t want to run errands with you. Or, he might lie about having to finish a project if he wants some alone time. He just doesn’t have the energy to hang out with you, and he might think that he can’t convey that without upsetting you. While this is another example of a “harmless” white lie, it can decrease intimacy in your relationship and lead to more lying over time.
He gets a rush from lying. Some men experience pleasure when they lie or deceive others, especially if they keep getting away with it. They won’t be motivated to change their behavior if their partner never calls them out, and the excitement of almost getting caught may prompt more deception and dishonesty in the relationship.
He might be a narcissist. If a man believes that he’s better than everyone else and he deserves special treatment, he might be lying to you because he’s a narcissist. People with narcissistic personality disorder often lie about their talents and achievements to appear more important to others. If you’re dating a narcissist, he might also lie to you as a form of manipulation. For example, if you confront him about coming home late, he might deny that it even happened to make you question yourself. He could even say that you’re imagining things or call you crazy.
How to Deal With His Lying
Try to understand why he’s lying to you. Instead of focusing on the lie itself, try to understand the reasons behind why your partner might be lying to you. Do you tend to be judgmental when he opens up to you? Or, do you jump to anger quickly if things don’t go your way? Your partner is probably aware of your behavior and triggers, so try to keep that in mind when deciding how you’re going to confront your partner. If you think your partner is lying to avoid conflict, you could just ask him directly and let him know that you feel tension in your relationship. If you think your partner is lying to you because he feels ashamed by his actions, you might reassure him that you love him no matter what. If you suspect your partner is lying to protect you, you might let him know that you appreciate his caring personality but you would rather know the truth.
Encourage him to open up to you. If you think that your partner is lying to you because he feels ashamed by his actions or his past, approach him gently and encourage him to be honest with you. You could be vulnerable and share something personal about yourself, or simply let him know that you’re here for him no matter what. Let him know that everyone makes mistakes, and reassure him that it’s okay to feel uncertain or afraid. For example, if your partner gets sensitive about work all of a sudden, you might tell him about the time that you got laid off and how you dealt with the situation.
Confront him respectfully. If you think that your partner is lying to you, calmly ask him about his behavior and the situation. Let him know that you’re listening to him with an open mind, and allow him to explain his side of the story without butting in. He might be hiding things from you because he’s afraid of your reaction, so try to create a safe environment where you two can discuss the reasons behind why he lied to you. You might say, “I think that there’s something bothering you, and you don’t want me to find out about it. I want to bring it out into the open so we can find a solution together and avoid any conflicts in the future. I promise to listen to your perspective with an open mind.”
Define lying and set boundaries in your relationship. If your partner doesn’t understand what lying means to you, he might be keeping things from you unintentionally. Some people think that it’s okay to tell a white lie to protect their partners, while others do not like any dishonesty whatsoever. Make sure that you clearly communicate what lying looks like to you so you and your partner are on the same page. To establish boundaries around truthfulness, you might say, “I want to know the truth when it comes to things that directly affect me, especially when it comes to your feelings and our finances. It’s okay if you don’t want to open up to me about everything from your past, but please let me know if something is currently bothering you.”
Attend couples therapy if he continues to lie to you. If your partner still chooses to lie to you and he ignores your boundaries, you might want to seek professional help. A therapist can help you work through feelings of betrayal and distrust, and they can help you heal any wounds in your relationship. You can find a therapist in your local area, or look for one online through sites like BetterHelp or GoodTherapy.
What do men lie about?
Men usually lie about their feelings, finances, and past experiences. In general, men are hesitant to open up to their partners, especially when it comes to their emotions and mistakes. Most men tend to lie to deceive others and/or improve their self-image, so they might lie about the following topics: Their emotions and fears Their schedule (i.e. being busy, where they were) Their career and achievements Their dating history (i.e. number of partners, cheating) Their sexual performance and fantasies Their attraction to other people Their physical features (i.e. height) Their athletic ability Their personality, behavior, and interests Their previous mistakes Their income
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