A 30-year-old woman has consistently referred to the same man as her ‘dad’ throughout her life, unaware that her biological father is, in fact, her brother. The family has chosen to withhold this truth, causing anxiety, confusion and worry for the woman’s mother. In a letter to The Atlantic’s ‘Dear Therapist’ column, the concerned mother, who prefers to remain anonymous, seeks guidance on how to navigate the confession of this decades-long deception about her daughter’s true biological background.
The worried mum wrote: “Our daughter is 30 now. How do we tell her that her ‘father’ is her grandfather, her ‘brother’ is her father, her ‘sister’ is her aunt and her ‘nephew’ is her half-brother?”
The woman revealed that when she married her husband, they were childless but he had two adult children from a previous relationship. Faced with the husband’s prior vasectomy and a desire to have a child together, the couple opted against using a sperm bank. Instead, the husband asked his son to fulfil this role, leading to the birth of their baby girl. The daughter, however, has been unaware that her brother is, in fact, her biological father. Therapist Lori Gottlieb advised the mother to disclose the truth to her daughter, emphasising that keeping this secret for 30 years may have unintended consequences, making the daughter feel less secure than if she knew the reality of her biological background.
Lori advised the mother—or anyone facing a similar dilemma—to sit down with their child and lay out the circumstances understandably and straightforwardly. She insisted that you give them an explanation for why you are sitting them down and accept full responsibility for not being honest from the beginning. The therapist added that the truth should be shared with all those connected to the situation, including the mother’s stepson and any other family members.
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