Talk things over before you’re in the bedroom.
Share openly and honestly about your needs and desires. Sitting down on the couch to talk may not sound like the sexiest move in the world. But, having an honest, two-way conversation about sex helps take some of the guesswork out of things when you do head to the bedroom. Talk about things like your desires, fantasies, and turn-offs, and ask him to share his. You might start the conversation like this: “Before we take things to the next level, I’d like for us to talk about sex.” If you’ve been in the relationship for a while and worry that the bedroom spark is gone, talk about it! Whether it’s your first date or you’ve been married for 50 years, talking about sex is an important part of having better sex.
Take the lead in getting things started.
Surprise him by making the first move. As much as he wants to have sex with you, he really wants you to want to have sex with him. Instead of making him take the initiative all the time, or acting like it’s time to have sex because it’s been a while, take charge of the situation. Let him know you want him and you want him now. You might be more subtle, doing things like dimming the lights and lighting some candles. Or you might be more direct by starting to unbutton his shirt or loosening his belt. Or you could be extremely direct by saying something like “I want your body and I want it now” in a sultry voice.
Wear a sexy outfit that gives you body confidence.
Look good for him and feel good for yourself. Always remember this: when you feel sexy, you look sexy. Pick out a slinky or tight or barely-there bedroom outfit that you feel good wearing. He doesn’t want you to be obviously self-conscious in a supposedly “sexy” outfit; instead, he wants you to wear something that fuels both your body confidence and his sexual desire. Instead of worrying that your body doesn’t meet some unattainable ideal, confidently give him a preview of your uniquely sexy body. He’ll be turned on by your “here I am, come and get it” attitude.
Use a fragrance that turns him (or you) on.
Perfume might arouse you, while food scents might work on him. There’s no single scent out there that’s guaranteed to drive a guy wild, and “sexy” perfumes marketed toward females might actually be better at arousing women than men. But, if you’re a woman, applying a perfume that helps get you fired up can’t hurt the situation! If you want to target him more directly, try scents like cinnamon rolls, pumpkin pie, doughnuts, and licorice. Food scents like those listed above may enhance male blood flow, including to the penis, but there’s no clear proof that they actually turn a man on. Pheromone perfumes and sprays that are supposed to drive men wild don’t appear to work all that well. You’re probably better off sticking with a pumpkin pie scented candle.
Engage in foreplay with enthusiasm.
Touch, caress, and kiss him over (almost) all of his body. Build up anticipation for the “main event” by showing him how eager you are to caress his body. Try kissing his neck, giving him a sensual massage, stroking his inner thigh, or whatever else seems to really get him going. Depending on the guy, you may want to leave his penis out of the equation during foreplay—this can really ratchet up his anticipation! Even though it may not be the main event, don’t treat foreplay like an obligatory warmup act. Enjoy it—and let him know you’re enjoying it. Aziz Ansari Aziz Ansari, Comedian and Modern Dating Guru While men are often most aroused by visual cues, for women arousal typically begins through verbal and physical cues, building upon feelings of intimacy and connection. To deeply satisfy your partner, set the stage with sensual touches, alluring glances, flirtatious whispers and loving words that make him feel utterly desired.
Make frequent eye contact with him.
Show that you’re confident, turned on, and focused on him. Avoiding eye contact can make it seem like you’re not engaged or are “somewhere else,” while regular eye contact achieves the opposite. Every so often, give him an “I’m in charge here” kind of deep stare for a few seconds. When you let out a moan or writhe your body as a wave of pleasure hits you, look at him to confirm that he’s the source of your ecstasy.
Tell him what you want or ask what he wants.
Take charge, put him in charge, or—best of all—do both. There’s a practical side to this, since you’ll both be clear on what you want to experience. Additionally, guys get turned on—to varying degrees based on their personalities—by being put in a more “dominant” or “submissive” position. Use your knowledge of him to decide the best strategy mix for the situation. If you’re taking charge, really take charge: “I want you to … right now” or “I’m going to … now.” Of course, putting him in control doesn’t take away your right to say “no” to anything at any time. The same holds true for him if you’re in charge.
Have fun and a laugh—just not at his expense.
Don’t get so intense that you forget you’re supposed to have fun. Here’s a guarantee: not everything will go exactly according to plan. You might accidentally bump heads, or your bodies might make an unfortunate squeaking sound as they rub together. If something funny like this happens, have a little laugh about it, then get back to business. After all, guys are always attracted to a good sense of humor! Be careful, however, not to laugh about something that he might be able to interpret as a shortcoming on his part. Things that might indicate that he’s too fast, or too slow, or somehow below average, or just plain doesn’t know what he’s doing are all big no-nos here.
Show and tell him you enjoy what he’s doing.
Give him positive feedback that he can see, hear, and feel. Guys are always looking for confirmation that they’re getting the job done in the bedroom. Don’t feel like you have to go overboard and completely fake it, but also don’t be shy about grabbing onto him, pulsating your body, moaning, or shouting out a well-timed “yes!” If you’re into doing a little “dirty talk,” let him know how sexually powerful he is. Every time you give him a sign that you find him irresistible, he’ll find you more irresistible!
Redirect him subtly and positively.
Focus on what he can do even better, not on what he’s doing wrong. Instead of telling him that what he’s doing isn’t getting the job done, encourage him to do what you know will get the job done. Increase his confidence instead of challenging it. When he knows he can please you, he’ll want you all the more! For example, if a position or a maneuver doesn’t feel good to you, don’t say “Ouch, don’t do that. Try something else.” Instead, say something like “Hmm, let’s try this now,” and guide him into a new position while giving positive verbal or physical feedback.
Let him know how great he was.
Make sure he knows that he rocked your world! Hopefully you won’t have to, but it’s okay to exaggerate a bit here in order to bolster his confidence. Offer him a compliment. Give him an extra flourish of positive verbal and body feedback (like a few extra-loud “Yesses”) as things come to a close, then look him in the eyes and tell him how awesome or fantastic he was. Even if things don’t end on a perfect high note, still find ways to be encouraging and positive about the experience. You might say something like this: “Wow, that new thing you did with your hand was fantastic. You gotta do that again next time!”
Try something different next time around.
Add some intrigue and surprise each time you’re in the bedroom. Once you find a bedroom routine that works great for both of you, it’s tempting to stick with it and avoid straying from the formula. Definitely keep going with what works, but also throw in some new surprises—like a role-playing element—each time. A little unpredictability can be really attractive. Here’s one easy way to change things up: take your “bedroom” activities out of the bedroom. Try the couch. Or the kitchen. Or the laundry room. Or a hotel room. Or the backseat of the car! Be playful. Improv teaches you a lot of really fun games that you can play with your partner. Expert Answer Q What is the benefit of taking an improv class? Connell Barrett Connell Barrett Dating Coach Connell Barrett is a Relationship Expert and the Founder and Executive Coach of Dating Transformation in New York City. Connell has over five years of experience as an international coach who helps men connect with women by unlocking their best, true, most confident selves. He is the author of the Amazon bestseller “Dating Sucks but You Don’t,” and has appeared on Good Morning America, the "Today" show, Access Hollywood, and in Best Life, Cosmopolitan, and The Oprah Magazine. In 2019 he was named Datezie.com's “New York City’s Best Male Dating Coach." Connell Barrett EXPERT ADVICE Answer from Connell Barrett: Improv is all about playfulness. It teaches you a lot of fun games that you can play with your partner or date or anybody in your life. So you can cultivate playfulness in your personality by taking improv classes.
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