Communicating with Your Husband
Schedule periodic chats about your relationship. As you and your husband grow old together, both of your needs, desires, and interests may change. A few times a year, agree to discuss the state of your relationship. Use this time to express when your needs have changed. For example, you might say, “I feel as though I need some more time to myself” or “I would love it if we could spend more time together without the kids.” You can talk about marital and family matters on a frequent basis. You might talk about bills on a monthly basis or chat when your child hits major milestones. If sex is an issue, you might check-in once a week.
Tell your husband when something is bothering you. Don’t expect your husband to be a mind reader. If there is something that is upsetting, frustrating, or annoying you, tell him. Be respectful, however, as you do so. Don’t accuse, blame, or call your husband names. Instead, use “I” statements to help make your point less accusatory. For example, instead of saying, “why can’t you ever wash the dishes,” you might say, “I feel frustrated sometimes when I come home, and the house is still dirty. Would you mind washing the dishes after you use them?” These issues don’t just have to be about your husband either. If you had a bad day at work or if you’re annoyed about something, tell him. This can encourage him to cheer you up or help you through it.
Show gratitude to your husband when he does something well. Thank him even for small tasks. Expressing appreciation is essential to showing your husband that you are not taking him for granted. You want to share the positive as well as the negative. For example, you might say, “Thank you so much for picking up the groceries!” or “I’m so proud of you for getting that raise." If you asked your husband to do something, don’t forget to thank him afterwards. This will help encourage him to continue contributing.
Respect your husband’s privacy to demonstrate your trust. Trust is essential in a relationship. Your husband needs to know that you trust him, even when you are not around. This will help him trust you and create healthy boundaries in the relationship. Allow your husband to go out with friends and socialize without you. Express interest in his friends, but don't interrogate him about who he is hanging out with. Do not track your husband’s phone calls, social media accounts, or emails. Allow him to maintain his private life, and trust that he will tell you when something important comes up. At the same time, make sure that your husband respects your privacy. Don't be afraid to set boundaries or to ask for time alone. Watch out for being codependent. It's important that you have your own friends and hobbies outside of your relationship, as well. If you find yourself constantly tracking your husband, consider getting professional help from a therapist.
Ask your husband for help when you need it. Request his assistance politely and with respect. Explain why you want him to do something. Don't forget to thank him afterwards! For example, instead of saying “you need to fix the door this weekend,” you might say, “do you think you could take care of the door this weekend?” If he says no, work out a solution that works for both of you. For example, offer to pick up the necessary tools for him or ask if he would rather hire a handyman. Emphasize why you need his help as well. For example, you might say, “I have a meeting after work today, so I won’t be able to cook dinner. Can you handle it tonight?” If your husband asks you for help or to do something for him, don’t forget to come through on it. Both of you should assist the other when needed.
Remember that communication is a 2-way street. When you communicate with your husband, he should be expressing the same respect, trust, and openness back to you. If he does not, it may be time to talk to him about the issue. Your husband should show gratitude to you for the things that you do. He should ask respectfully when he needs something and respect your privacy. If he doesn't, you should ask him specifically to respect you in these ways. A marriage counselor can help in this regard. The counselor can teach you healthy communication practices in a safe space.
Keeping the Relationship Interesting
Go on regular dates together. Give yourself 1 date night every 1-2 weeks. Make sure that nothing else interferes with this night. Don’t bring any children along. Make these dates about just the 2 of you. This is the time to connect with each other and be more romantic with your husband. If you have children, hire a baby sitter for the night. You can also try going on dates during the weekend days when your child is at a friend’s house or with another family member.
Try new experiences together. If you and your husband keep doing the same things over and over again, you may be getting bored of your routine. Mix up your activities. Find a new experience together that the 2 of you both want to try. For example, you might go rock climbing or join a kickball team. Try taking a class together to learn a new skill. You could do pottery or cooking. You can include children in some of these experiences to make it a family activity. For example, go on a hike together, rent some canoes at a lake, or try a ropes course.
Foster your own interests and hobbies outside of the marriage. If you and your husband do absolutely everything together, it might cause you to feel bored, confined, or isolated. If this is the case, focus on your own interests. Try doing things without your husband. Remember to continue creating healthy friendships as well. This will give you things to do and people to talk to outside of your marriage. You can even go out with your friends without your husband. If your husband doesn’t share some interests with you, you should still pursue them. Try painting, gardening, running, or another activity. Remember to encourage your husband to do the same. Let your husband go out with his friends or spend time focusing on his interests. This will enforce healthy boundaries in your relationship.
Resolving Arguments and Problems
Cool down after arguments. If you and your husband had a fight, take time to cool down. Let him relax as well. When you’re both calm again, you can talk rationally. This time can also help you figure out why you were upset or what you need to make things better. If you need to, go to a separate room. Take deep breaths or distract yourself for a while with a different activity.
Express why you are upset. Focus on the complaint, not on your husband. By expressing your feelings and thoughts on the matter, your husband will learn why you are frustrated. If you criticize him, however, he may become defensive. For example, instead of saying, “You never pay attention to me,” you might say, “I get so lonely all day. When I come home, I need you to talk and cuddle with me." Starting sentences with “I” or “We” can help make your husband feel more comfortable.
Listen to your husband’s perspective. Your husband may have his own frustrations or complaints. Try not to get defensive when he expresses these. Don’t interrupt him either. Just let him talk and express his own side of things. Show that you’re listening by repeating back what your husband is saying to you. For example, you might say, “What I am hearing is that you want more excitement in our relationship.” If your husband won’t open up easily, tell him that you won’t get angry. Encourage him to open up to you. For example, you might say, “If something is bothering you, I want to know. I won’t be offended, I promise.”
Compromise with each other on heated issues. You and your husband may not agree on everything, and that’s okay. Remember to negotiate with your husband to ensure that you both are happy with the arrangement. For example, if you’re arguing about spending, you might each get a budget to spend on yourselves each month. Each of you will have to stay within this limit. Compromise means that you both have to sacrifice something. For example, your husband may want to visit his family, but you may not get along with them. As a compromise, you might go with him but ask that you both stay in a hotel room instead of at the family home.
Apologize when you have done something wrong. If you feel as though you have said or done something wrong, a simple “I’m sorry” can go a long way in patching things up between you and your husband. Be sincere. Admit what you did wrong. You might say, "I am sorry I yelled at you this morning. I'll try to be calmer in the future." If your husband apologizes to you, be sure to accept the apology. You can say, "Thank you. I appreciate the apology, and I forgive you."
See a marriage counselor if you cannot overcome your differences. If you and your husband fight constantly about the same things or if you feel dissatisfied in your marriage, it may be time to see a marriage counselor. A counselor can help teach you healthy conflict resolution skills and compromise. You don’t need to be struggling in your marriage to see a counselor. In fact, seeing a counselor once a year to check in may help improve an already strong relationship. If your husband refuses to go to marriage counseling, some therapists will see spouses individually. You can ask your doctor or a therapist for a referral to a counselor. Some religious houses of worship will also offer marriage counseling.
Maintaining a Healthy Sex Life
Establish a frequency that makes you both happy. Sit down with your partner and discuss whether you are currently happy with the level of intimacy in your relationship. If 1 spouse wants more intimacy than the other, discuss what you can do to make each other happy. There is no magic number for how much sex will make your relationship strong. The important thing is that both you and your husband are happy with it.
Touch each other more outside of the bedroom to restore intimacy. Touch is important for creating intimacy, even outside of sexual contact. Hug when you leave for work or kiss each other when you come home. Hold hands when you’re out in public. Cuddle on the couch or touch his shoulder when you talk. Your husband should also initiate touch with you. If he won't, try asking directly for more contact, such as hugs or cuddles. If this doesn't work, you may need to consult a marriage counselor.
Schedule intimacy into your calendar. While scheduled sex might not sound enticing, it actually can help your love life immensely. Once you put it on the calendar, make sure that no other commitments interfere with the time or date. Your husband and you can even plan special activities for that night, such as a date, intimate games, or role play. Make sure that you both agree on the schedule. Remind each other, if needed!
Tell your husband what you want out of sex. If you don’t express what you like, you may feel disappointed in the bedroom. Don’t be afraid to say what you like and what gives you pleasure. If you want to try something new, suggest it to your husband. Give your husband instructions during sex as well. These can help provide mutual pleasure for both you and your husband. Your husband may suggest new positions and activities too. If you're uncomfortable with 1 of your husband's suggestions, talk it out with him. Tell him why you don't want to do it.
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