How to Deal With a Cheating Spouse

Knowing What to Avoid

Don't blame yourself. Your spouse's reasons for cheating may not always be obvious, and you may feel that the natural thing to do is to blame yourself. Maybe you think you've grown distant, or that you haven't been very forthcoming in the bedroom. Maybe you've let work overwhelm you and haven't made enough time for the relationship. However, these may be reasons that your relationship needs some more work, but you need to know that nothing you do can ever cause your spouse to cheat, and you shouldn't ever blame yourself for your spouse's mistakes. Sure, you may be at fault for a certain problem in the relationship, and it's important to acknowledge that. However, you should never, ever think that some mistake on your part makes your spouse's cheating okay. If you focus too much on blaming yourself, then that will be letting your partner off the hook. It's important for you to focus on your partner's behavior, too.

Don't obsess over the third party. If you want to drive yourself crazy as quickly as possible, then you can ask a million questions about the other man or woman, spend hours stalking that person's Facebook profile, or even try to catch a glimpse of this person in person. You may think that knowing everything about this person can help you figure out what was wrong with your relationship, but in reality, this won't give you any more answers, though it will cause you plenty of pain. When a spouse is having an affair, it's rarely about the third person. Unless that spouse thinks he's truly started a meaningful relationship with a third party, most of the time, it's really an expression of the cheater's dissatisfaction with himself or the marriage. If you focus too much on the other man or other woman, then you won't be thinking about your spouse or the relationship. Though knowing some things about the affair can bring you comfort, you may not want to know too much about what the other person looks like, what he does for a living, or any other details that are likely to distract you or to make you feel bad about yourself. It's just not worth it.

Don't try to rationalize it. Though you may think that you'll be able to move forward if you can just find a logical explanation for why the cheating happened, such as the fact that your husband has been feeling powerless ever since he lost his job, or that the third party came on to your wife so much that she couldn't possibly resist, there's no use in trying to make sense out of nonsense. Accept that you're hurt and that you need to find a way to move on, but don't think that making excuses for your spouse is the way to get there. What went through your spouse's mind when he or she decided to cheat may defy logic. Don't spend too much time trying to come up with a perfect reason for why it happened and work on moving forward instead.

Don't tell the whole world. You may feel incredibly hurt and incredibly angry, and may have the urge to tell all of your family members, your closest friends, or even to post about it on social media to really get your feelings out. However, if there is a chance you want to reconcile and make things work, then you'll have to deal with people looking at your spouse and your relationship differently for the rest of your lives. Instead of telling everyone you know, tell only the people close to you who you think can really help you think this through. Once you tell everyone about what happened, you may feel an initial relief, but that could be followed by some pain and regret. You may not realize that you weren't ready for everyone's advice or judgment. If you do tell your close friends about your partner's infidelity, make sure you do so cautiously if you're not sure what you want to do about it. If your friends think you're definitely going to leave your partner, then they may tell you the 1,000 things they never liked about him, and this won't actually make you feel any better and may lead to awkwardness down the line if you choose to stay in the relationship.

Don't obsess over what your friends and family will think. Along with keeping what happened to yourself, you shouldn't worry about what those who know about the affair think. Though the people close to you can give you useful advice, in the end, it's all about what's best for you. You shouldn't ask yourself what everyone will think if you decide to leave or to stay in the relationship. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what everyone else thinks, and you shouldn't let the judgment of others cloud your decision-making process. Talking to the people close to you can definitely help you gain strength as well as a new perspective about your situation. But in the end, know that their opinions can never replace your own.

Don't take major steps before reflecting. Though you may think that you want to pack up your things or kick your spouse out of the house the second you find out about the cheating, you need to take more time to think this through. You can certainly spend some time away from your spouse, but avoid saying you want a divorce or taking any drastic measures right away. Give yourself time to reflect about what happened and what's best for you and your relationship instead of doing something you may regret later. Though deciding to take some time apart immediately can be a good thing, you should avoid saying that you want a divorce as soon as you hear the news; though this may be what your gut tells you to do, wait until you have a clear head before you decide this for good.

Don't punish your spouse. Though it may feel good to be cruel to your spouse, to take away the things that they love, or even to have your own affair in return, this kind of behavior won't get you very far and it won't help you move your relationship forward. Though you can be hurt, cold to your spouse, and keep your distance for a while, you shouldn't actively make a point of making him or her feel worse, or you both will end up feeling terrible. Punishing your spouse will only fill you with more bitterness and will make your relationship feel even worse. It's okay to take some time apart and to be more cold and distant than normal, but being actively cruel won't make anything better.

Taking Action

Make your demands. You should take your time to think about what you want from your spouse before you begin a conversation with him or her. Don't just start talking about the cheating and move on right to crying and making up. Instead, take some time to formulate a game plan so your spouse knows what you expect from him if he wants the relationship to continue. This shouldn't feel like a punishment, but like a plan to move forward together. Let your partner know what he or she needs to do for you to continue the relationship. This can include going to counseling together and possibly apart, taking concrete steps to rediscover the things you loved to do together, making time for communication every night, or sleeping in separate rooms until you feel comfortable sharing a space again. If you're thinking about getting a divorce, you may want to retain a lawyer as early as you can. The sooner you do this, the better bargaining position you'll have.

Give it time. Even if you really feel ready to forgive your spouse or for things to get back to normal, you should know that it can take a long time to regain that trust and loving feeling you once had for your spouse. Even if you're both determined to make it work, it can take a long time for things to feel, for lack of a better word, “normal” again, and for you to feel fondness toward the person you married. This is perfectly natural. If you try to rush things along you may run into trouble. You won't be able to forgive your partner or to feel like things are back to normal overnight. It can take months, or even years, to rebuild that trust again. You'll have to take it slow, too. It may take many days for you to feel comfortable sleeping in the same bed as your partner again, going out to dinner with him, or to enjoy doing the things you loved to do together. Be prepared for that.

Let your feelings out. Let your spouse know what you're feeling. Tell him about the anger, the hurt, the betrayal, and the pain he has put your through. Don't keep your guard up and act like it wasn't that big of a deal; let him really see your pain and to hear how you're feeling. If you're not honest and open about what you're going through, then you won't ever be able to truly move forward together. Though you may feel shy or scared to reveal your true feelings, it's important that you do so. If you're nervous about facing your spouse or not saying everything you wanted to say, you can write down all of the things you want to share. That way, you won't get lost in the moment and forget an important point you wanted to make. If you feel too emotional to have a conversation about what happened, give it a few days or wait long enough to feel comfortable talking about it as candidly as possible. Of course, the conversation may never feel completely comfortable, but you can take some time to get your footing if you need to. That said, you may not want to delay this conversation for too long.

Ask the questions that you want the answers to. You may want some clarity when it comes to what your cheating spouse did. If you want to piece together how this has been going on, then you can ask questions about how many times it happened, when it happened, how it started, or even about what your spouse feels about this other person. However, if you want there to be a chance that the relationship lasts, then you should think twice before asking about details that you may be better off not knowing. Ask any questions that you think will help you get a better sense of where your relationship stands. However, try to avoid asking questions just to satisfy your curiosity; the answers may end up hurting too much.

Get medical testing. As embarrassing as it may sound, as soon as you know that your spouse has cheated on you, you should both get tested immediately. You don't know what diseases the third party might have had, and you won't know whether or not this was passed on to you. Though your spouse may argue that this isn't necessary, it's what you need to do to make sure you're both safe. Going through this process will also help your spouse understand the gravity of his or her actions. Sleeping with someone else while also sleeping with you has put you at risk, and it's important to acknowledge that.

Listen to your spouse. Though you will be feeling hurt, overwhelmed, betrayed, angry, and any number of other emotions that you want to let out, it's important to also sit and listen to your spouse. You may feel as if hearing him or her out is the last thing you want to do, but if you want to get some clarity and to move the relationship forward, then you have to hear his or her side of the story. You may learn about new feelings or frustrations that you didn't know your partner had. It's not fair to think that he doesn't deserve to tell his side of the story or to have feelings in all this. Though you may not feel ready to confront your spouse's feelings, you have to let him express himself if you want to move forward.

Improve your communication every day. Once you and your spouse have begun to talk about the cheating, you can work on improving your line of communication. Make sure to be open and honest, to talk regularly, and to avoid being passive aggressive as much as possible. Though this may seem impossible after what your spouse did, it's important to communicate as well as you can if you want things to get better. Once you're up to it, make a point of meeting every day, pushing all distractions aside, and talking about how your relationship is going. If you feel like this is exhausting and only rehashing old feelings, then you should work on talking more about the present and future than the past. It's important that you and your spouse check in with each other to see how you're feeling. This is the time to be vigilant and to focus on your relationship. If you don't have strong communication, then it's hard to move forward. Work on expressing your feelings with “I” statements, such as saying, “I feel sad when you don't greet me after you come home from work,” instead of using “you” statements, such as, “You never give me any attention after you get home from work,” which come off as more accusatory.

Decide if you want to try to fix it. Of course, once you start talking about the cheating, you have to make an important decision: do you think you can eventually forgive your spouse and have a healthy relationship again, or do you just think there's no chance it'll ever work? It's important to be honest with yourself and to think about whether or not your relationship is worth saving. The most important thing is to take the time and space you need to really reflect before making any rash decisions. If you've talked to your spouse, stated your feelings, and heard his or her side of the story while feeling like you've had a bit of time to reflect on your feelings, then you can start to decide whether or not you want to try to make things work. If you decide you want to make them work, then prepare to put in a lot of effort. If you know it's over for you, then it's time to take the steps to get a divorce. If this is the path for you, then you should look in to the laws of your country and/or state — they tend to vary quite a bit.

Rebuilding Your Relationship

Do what's best for you. Unfortunately, no magazine, friend, family member, or doctor can tell you what decision is best for you—or for your family. If there are kids involved, then your decision gets even more complicated. Though you may think there's only one right answer, at the end of the day, you have to be honest with yourself and see what your heart is really telling you. It can take a long time to find the truth, but the most important thing is that you recognize that no one else can tell you what to do or what to feel—especially not your spouse. This can be an intimidating thought, because chances are that you will need some time to figure out the answer. But if there's something that your gut is telling you already, then you better listen.

Make a choice to forgive. Remember that forgiveness really is a choice; it's not something that either happens or doesn't. If you're willing to forgive your spouse, or even to try to forgive him or her, then you have to decisively make the choice to do so. Forgiveness won't just fall into your lap or his, and you need to work to get there. The first step is accepting that you're going to try to make things work. Be honest with your spouse about this. Don't let your desire to forgive or not forgive remain a mystery. Let him or her know that you really want to try to make it work.

Spend time together, without bringing up the affair. If you want to start rebuilding your relationship, then you and your spouse should spend quality time together that has nothing to do with the fact that your spouse cheated. Work on doing the things you used to love together and avoiding the places that remind you of the cheating that took place. Make an effort to start from the bottom up, making sure your relationship has a solid foundation through daily activities before you move forward too fast. You can even discover a new activity, such as hiking or cooking, to do together. This can help you see your relationship in a new light. Just make sure you don't feel like your partner is suffering through it or trying too hard, though.

Take care of yourself. When you're dealing with a cheating spouse, you may feel like your last priority is to take care of yourself. You may be too busy feeling a whirlwind of complicated emotions to think about things like eating three meals a day, getting some sunshine, and making sure to get enough rest. However, if you want to stay strong during this difficult time and to have the energy to work on your relationship, then that is exactly what you have to do. Here are some things to keep in mind: Try to get at least 7-8 hours of sleep per night. If you can't sleep because you're bothered by your spouse sleeping next to you, you should feel comfortable discussing alternate sleeping arrangements. Work to eat three healthy meals a day. Though you may be prone to eating more unhealthy foods, such as sugary snacks, because you're stressed, you should try to stay healthy to keep your spirits up. Fatty foods can make you feel sluggish. Try to get at least 30 minutes of exercise a day. This time is good for your mind and body and can give you some time to be alone and not think about the affair. Write in a journal. Try to write in it at least a few times a week to take some time to get in touch with your thoughts. Don't isolate yourself. Spend more time with your friends and family to feel centered.

Seek counselling. Though counselling isn't for everyone, you and your spouse should try it if you're trying to make things work. You may feel like it will be too embarrassing or too much for you, but this can actually be the best way to create a safe space for you and your partner and for you to truly feel comfortable sharing your feelings. Find a counsellor you trust and make sure to give it your all during your sessions. If this is important to you, make it clear to your spouse that it's non-negotiable that you go. Your partner violated your trust, and he or she should be able to do this thing for you.

Reassure your children. If you have children, then dealing with your cheating spouse will be even more complicated. Your children will likely feel the tension in your home, and it's best to be open and honest with them about the fact that you and your spouse are having some problems. While you don't have to go in great detail, let them know you love them and that you and your spouse are doing the best you can to figure things out. If you're thinking of ending the relationship, don't let your spouse use your children to guilt you into sticking it out. While he or she may argue that your children will be better off with two parents at home, this may not be the case if those two parents are always fighting or no longer care for each other. Make time for them, even while you're dealing with this hard situation. Being with your children can make you feel stronger, too.

Know when it's over. If you've made every effort to make things work and just can't see yourself forgiving your spouse or moving forward, then it may be time to end the relationship. Don't be frustrated yourself for not being able to forgive your spouse, even if he or she has been working hard to regain your trust; some things just cannot be forgiven. If you find that you simply can't continue the relationship and feel like you've made an effort to try to make it work, then it's time to make the decision and move on. Don't be mad or frustrated with yourself if you feel like you simply can't forgive. You've made the effort, and your partner is the one who violated your trust in the first place. If you have been able to move on, then you shouldn't be ashamed of yourself for “giving in,” either. You've made a choice that you think is best for your relationship and your family, and no one should judge that.