How to Deal With Having a Drug Addict for a Mother

Dealing with Her While Under the Influence

Report any abuse, neglect, or maltreatment. Kids that have a parent with a drug problem are more likely to be at risk for maltreatment, abuse, and neglect. If your mother is physically, verbally, or emotionally abusive to you while under the influence, say something. If you don’t have enough food at home, are homeless, or put in unsafe situations (like staying with people you don’t know without your mother in sight), it’s okay to reach out for help. For online resources, check out: Child Help USA National Child Abuse Hotline: 800-4-A-CHILD (422.4453) National Youth Crisis Hotline 1-800-448-4663 If you are in Europe, call 112.

Be safe. Don’t put yourself in danger, even if your mother needs help. You can call the police or an adult to help with the situation; don’t feel 100% responsible for taking care of your mother or doing what she says when she’s under the influence. If she asks you to do something unsafe, find an alternative. If your mother wants to drive you somewhere while under the influence, try to find another ride or call a cab. Ask another friend or family member to intervene if your mother is attempting to do something unsafe.

Avoid arguing with her while under the influence. An argument with your mother while she’s under the influence will get you nowhere. If she starts becoming agitated or picking a fight, gently deflect the comments or say that you can talk about it tomorrow. If she becomes really angry or really wanting to fight, involve someone else in the situation for your safety, or remove yourself from the situation. If the situation escalates, you can call the police.

Don’t threaten, bribe, or preach to your mother. Especially if your mother is under the influence, any derogatory remarks won’t improve the situation but may actually escalate things. You may feel really upset, frustrated or angry with your mother, but now is not the time to express these feelings. Save that discussion for when you are both calm and can talk about your feelings honestly and openly. If you start to preach, punish or threaten your mother, ask yourself what’s motivating these actions. You’re likely angry, and taking it out in this way won’t help you or your mother. Find healthy outlets for your anger, like journaling, playing basketball, or going for a walk.

Remember that you’re not responsible to take care of your mother. It’s not your responsibility to take care of your mother, your family, or the house on your own. If you start taking over her responsibilities, you may take away her sense of importance or her dignity. If you find yourself doing these things, it’s time to have a discussion with her about how things have changed. It can be hard to see your mother let go of her responsibilities as drugs take over her life. Remember it’s not your job to pick up the pieces. It’s more important to encourage your mother to get treatment. EXPERT TIP Lauren Urban, LCSW Lauren Urban, LCSW Licensed Psychotherapist Lauren Urban is a licensed psychotherapist in Brooklyn, New York, with over 13 years of therapy experience working with children, families, couples, and individuals. She received her Masters in Social Work from Hunter College in 2006, and specializes in working with the LGBTQIA community and with clients in recovery or considering recovery for drug and alcohol use. Lauren Urban, LCSW Lauren Urban, LCSW Licensed Psychotherapist Take care of yourself first. Licensed clinical social worker Lauren Urban says: "You are not responsible for your parent's condition. While you can help her and give your support, you have to put yourself first. Seek support from other people, whether that be a therapist, teacher, minister, or anyone else. You are deserving of support and care, and you should be allowed to be a child."

Taking Care of Yourself

Do not blame yourself. It is not your fault your parent is an addict. You can tell your mother how you feel and that you’d like her to get treatment, but you can’t change her. Often, the only thing that can help an addict is for her to want help for herself and admit she has a problem. If you've tried your best to help, but always end up being hurt or ignored, it's not your fault. Nothing you did made her start doing drugs and you must never blame yourself. You haven’t failed your mother or done anything wrong for her to use drugs.

Stay away from drugs. Recognize your own risks associated with drugs with a close family history. Kids that have a drug using parent tend to start using drugs and earlier and harder than kids that don’t have a drug-using parent. They are also more likely to develop drug disorders.

Keep your own identity. You may feel so involved with the drug problem that you forget to take care of yourself. Make sure you spend time taking care of your own needs. You don’t need to give up your social life to take care of your mother. Remember, this is her problem and unfortunately, you’re involved in it but not responsible for her. Keep your body and mind healthy, hang out with friends, and do things that make you happy. Don’t let your entire life revolve around your mother.

Find healthy ways to cope. Part of taking care of yourself is making sure you have healthy outlets for you to take out your stress, anger, sadness, pain, etc. Being a teenager is hard enough, but having to deal with the stress of having a drug addicted mother makes things a lot harder for you. Engage in activities that make you feel good in your body and your mind. Some easy ways to deal with stress include spending time in nature, writing in a journal, playing with animals, and listening to music. Exercise is a great way to release stress and keep your body happy. Go for a walk, skip, or do some jump rope. You can join sport teams at school to keep you moving. Spend time with friends. One the best ways to bust stress is to surround yourself with fun and supportive people.

Have someone to talk to. It’s important to have someone in your life that you trust that you can talk to about your mother’s problems and how they affect you. It’s okay to talk about the hurt, frustration, embarrassment, anger, and fear associated with your mother’s use. This can be a coach, guidance counselor, spiritual leader, aunt/uncle, or therapist. It can be helpful to find an adult that has similar experiences to you to talk to. This person can encourage you, show you that you can make it through, and be an example that things can work well for you.

Find others with the same story. It's important to have people to talk to about what's happening in your life and this is really important. If you feel uncomfortable talking with someone you know personally, then here are some hotline phone numbers, and websites to help you out. For family members of alcoholics, check out Al-Anon.org (https://www.al-anon.org). For family members of addicts, check out Nar-anon (https://www.nar-anon.org) For adult children of alcoholics and addicts, check out Adultchildren.org (https://www.adultchildren.org).

See a therapist. It can be confusing to work through having a drug addicted mother while trying to be a normal kid, go to school, have friends, and have fun. If you’re struggling to keep that balance, it can be helpful to see a therapist. Even if you cannot afford to see an outpatient therapist, you can talk to your school counselor. Therapy can help you find ways to cope and support you through difficult times. Therapy is a safe place for you to share your thoughts and feelings, cry, and be honest.

Discussing the Addiction with Your Mother

Be honest with your mother and her behavior. Be loving and supportive of your mother, yet let her know that her drug addiction is negatively impacting you and your family. When she does something embarrassing, hurtful, or dangerous while on drugs, don’t attempt to cover up or hide the negative consequences from her. Be honest with her in how the drugs are impacting you and the ways they hurt you. Let your mother know how you feel. Don’t try to guilt her or shame her, but do say how you feel about her and the drugs. You can say, “I really miss having my mom around, and it’s really hard to relate to you when you’re on drugs.”

Prepare yourself for her to be in denial. It can take a lot of guts to step up and have a discussion with her about her drug use. Yet, she may not be ready to accept the fact that she has an addiction and may list off excuses or deny that she has a problem. If so, be ready to list specific examples of her behavior that worry you. Be as matter-of-fact as possible and rely on specific examples. You want to refute the denial and say, “Yes, this is, in fact, a big problem.”

Encourage her to get treatment. When talking to your mom, avoid emotional appeals (like playing a martyr) as this can increase guilt and lead to more drug use. Instead, say that you want to help her, and the best way you can help her is by encouraging her to get treatment. Let her know she doesn’t have to hit rock bottom to seek treatment, and that the earlier she gets treatment, the better. You may want to research treatment options ahead of time. Many drug users go into inpatient treatment in order to detox from the drugs, get psychological help (therapy and medication), and begin their recovery in a highly structured and supportive atmosphere.

Set healthy boundaries. To help your mother and still protect yourself, you will need to set some boundaries with her. Though it is scary to say no to someone you love, especially when that person is your mother, this is essential to her recovery and your own well-being and self-esteem. By setting boundaries, you stop enabling or taking responsibility for your mother's behavior and instead let her experience the consequences of her actions. Know that the boundaries will be tested. It is important that, when you set a boundary, you stick with it. Do not allow your boundaries to "move." A boundary you might set is that, if you come home to find your mother using you will call an adult to help her and go stay with a friend.

Offer your support. Let your mother know that you are willing to support and encourage her along her road to recovery, and that while you do not support the drug addiction, you fully support the recovery. It can be hard to overcome an addiction, so make sure your mother knows how much you care and want her to improve. Support her through any relapses and avoid passing judgment as she recovers at her own pace.