- If you catch yourself feeling jealous of your friends, take some time to really think about the root of those feelings, like feeling insecure or wishing you had something they have.
- Remember, it's not a competition—you and your friend can both be successful and happy, even if you have different talents or abilities.
- If your jealousy makes it too hard to be around your friend, take a step back and give yourself a break from that friendship for a while.
- Instead of being jealous, practice being proud of your friend and what they've accomplished.
- Try boosting your own confidence with positive affirmations, a daily gratitude practice, and stress-relief techniques.
Overcoming Jealousy
Learn the difference between jealousy and envy. To feel the emotional energy of jealousy means that you are feeling a sense of insecurity about a potential loss, or not having or having enough of a desired resource. It is important to understand that there is a difference between the emotional feeling of jealousy and envy. Jealousy is the overwhelming fear that another person may take something away from you that you consider of importance. For most people, it is a normal human response to experience the feelings of jealousy from time to time. However, for a few others, jealousy can be destructive in life, often interfering with their normal functioning. It is when jealousy becomes overpowering, making it difficult for you to engage and function normally that you may need to think about seeking professional support for help. Envy is that emotion you may feel of wanting something that someone else has. It is common for the feeling of envy to spark other emotions such as sadness, while jealousy is more associated with feelings of anger and resentment.
Be honest about your feelings. If you are jealous, you need to admit it before you can ever work on feeling happy for your friends. You can either admit your feelings to yourself, to a third party, or to your friend directly. All three forms of admission are equally valid. Choose the one that you feel most comfortable with. For instance, you might want to quietly admit your jealous feelings to yourself to avoid the embarrassment that might accompany such an admission. Try to figure out what underlying issues this might be bringing up that are making you feel this way. On the other hand, you might want to confess your feelings to a therapist or a close friend. Doing so might help you feel as though you've lifted a weight off your shoulders in a more substantial way than you might if you simply acknowledged your jealousy to yourself in private. Depending on the depth of your jealousy and the level of your friendship, you might want to admit your feelings to the friend you're jealous of. If you and your friend are very close and have a very open and honest relationship, you might choose to confess your feelings to them directly. You might, for instance, say, “I am very jealous of your good looks.”
Discover the source of your insecurity. Jealousy appears when someone else has something that you wish you had. Your friend might, for instance, have a talent, an object, or a relationship that you wish was yours. Analyze your friendship and identify the specific source of your jealousy.
Break it down. Being aware of that initial pang of jealousy will allow you to put some focus on it and deconstruct it. Ask yourself what the reason for your jealousy is. Jealousy can tell you a lot about where you are at emotionally and mentally right now, and what it is you want or need. Are there other emotions attached to your jealousy such as anger, hurt, fear, frustration, or resentment? Consider the information you've obtained and identify ways to find healthy coping skills and solutions to your issues.
Seek reassurance. Once you identify the source of your jealousy regarding your friend, ask them, a friend, or family member for reassurance. For instance, if you are jealous of your friend's style or clothing, you might ask a friend or close family member, “Do you think my clothes are nice?” or “Do I have a sophisticated and modern style?” If you don't feel comfortable asking someone else for reassurance directly, think back on times when you've been complimented on your style, or reflect on times when you felt pleased and confident in the way you dressed.
Don't view yourself in competition with your friend. Reframe the relationship between you and your friend as one in which you can both accomplish great things in different areas of your lives. For instance, instead of feeling jealous for your friend's swimming abilities, put yourself in their shoes and ask, “What can they not do that I can do quite well?” For instance, if your friend is a great swimmer, you might be jealous of that ability. But if you are a great writer, they might be jealous of your ability. Recognize that everyone has different talents and abilities, and not everyone has the same opportunity to develop the same skills. Remember, just because your friend has earned praise or recognition doesn't mean that you don't deserve praise or recognition, or will never meet with praise or recognition. This process occurs over a long period during which you will gradually adjust your attitude in order to overcome jealousy.
Forgive yourself. Jealousy often stems from feelings that you do not possess anything of value, or from a belief that you are somehow to blame for failing to accomplish something your friend has managed to accomplish. This perceived failure often leads to jealousy. Forgiving yourself can help you eliminate this jealousy. To forgive yourself, see that your friend's situation - like yours - is based largely on contingencies that are out of their control. For instance, if your friend has a great relationship, you might feel envious that you do not have a great relationship (or even any relationship at all). Instead of looking at your friend's success as an indictment of you, look at it as merely good luck for them. They just happened to be in the right place at the right time to meet the person they went on to have such a great relationship with.
Spend less time with your friend. If you find that your jealousy for your friend makes it impossible to spend time with them, take a break from them. You don't need to announce a formal break with your friend. Instead, decline their invitations for a period of time during which you can regain your perspective and rediscover how great a friend they are. For instance, the next time the friend you're jealous and not happy for invites you out, say, “No thank you. I think I'll be staying in tonight.” Spend the time apart from your friend contemplating your relationship with them and reflecting on all the great things about your friendship.
Discovering Happy Feelings
Express pride in your friend's ability. Begin telling the friend that you are jealous of that you are proud of their accomplishments or abilities before you've totally overcome your jealousy. For instance, if you are jealous of a friend who got the job you wanted, say, “Wow, that is great news. I am so glad for you.” If you believe that your jealousy is so overpowering that you might betray it in your friend's presence, just send them an email or text message to let them know that you are glad for them.
See your friend's success as your own. When your friends meet with success or accomplish something great, thinking about them as an extension of you can reduce your feelings of jealousy and increase your feelings of happiness for them. This way, you can in some small part consider your friend's accomplishments your own – at least privately. For instance, when your friend announces that they got a scholarship, you might reason to yourself, “I have been a good friend to them, and without me (and their many other friends), they might not have been driven to get that scholarship.”
Do a reality check and don't assume. You have many faces and roles in life. You have a public outside face that you present to the outside world, and you have your private face that you may keep hidden from the world, and sometimes even from your closest friends and family. What you see and know of someone in their social setting may be completely different in their home or private setting. Even your closest friends and families may not show you everything about them, so it is unfair of you to make assumptions that things are perfect for that other person. For example, a friend, co-worker, or classmate of yours may seem to have an awesome life, but he may be secretly struggling with many things. Don't assume that all those rumors and things you see of the outer-world are true. Everyone has struggles with something, and you have no idea what that person's inner-world might be like.
Challenge your jealous thoughts. When you think a jealous thought, reject it and replace it with a more positive thought that makes you feel happy for your friends instead of jealous. This might be hard at first, but with practice, you will get better at catching jealous thoughts and swapping them for thoughts that make you feel happy for your friends instead of jealous. For example, when you think, “My friend is really good at dancing. Unfortunately, I am a terrible dancer,” immediately stop and say to yourself, “It's okay that she is a better dancer than I am. Her skill does not make me jealous. With practice, I can become just as great a dancer as she is.” This pattern of behavior will help you take control of your negative feelings as they emerge so that you can feel happy for your friend instead of jealous.
Think about the harm your jealousy is doing to your friendship. When you are jealous of a friend, you will likely behave in a cool and detached way toward them. Jealousy will cause you to, for instance, to keep your secrets and personal feelings hidden. Over time, tamping down your feelings around your friend will erode the trust you two should share together as friends. This realization will inspire you to feel happy for your friend rather than jealous.
Increasing Your Self Esteem
Practice gratitude. Incorporate gratitude exercises into your daily routine. For instance, when you wake each day, spend five to nine minutes writing about someone or something that makes you happy. It could be the friend you're jealous of, a teacher, a vacation you had, or even your dog. Whatever it is that you're thankful for, write about it. You might also choose to engage in this sort of gratitude exercise before going to bed each night. Everyone has something to be grateful for in their lives. Instead of fixating on the things you do not have, take some time each day to think and create a list of all the things you are grateful for. For every feeling of jealousy that may pop up, put conscious effort into replacing it with a thought of gratitude.
Use positive affirmations to boost your attitude about yourself. Jealous thinking is often a defense mechanism. Positive affirmations can reduce your defensiveness and make you more willing to feel happy for your friends instead of jealous. For instance, you might say, “I am a good person and I am possessed of many useful skills.” Your positive affirmations might also be more general, such as “Today will be a wonderful day.”
Manage your stress. Jealousy is a result of stress, and can cause even more stress. Find a healthy way to cope with your stress by taking up yoga or some other form of exercise. You might also try: Improving your sleep habits. If you get less than eight hours of sleep per night, you are more likely to be stressed and irritable the following day. Changing your diet. Poor nutrition can multiply stress. Eat mostly fruits and veggies, and avoid processed foods loaded with salt, fat, and sugar. Stick to whole grains (whole wheat bread, brown rice, whole wheat pasta) and avoid refined wheat and grains (white bread, white rice). Talking to others about your feelings. Even after you've admitted that you have feelings of jealousy regarding your friend, you are likely to continue feeling that way for some time. To cope with these feelings, unburden yourself to another friend family member, or counselor.
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