How to Fix Your Relationship With Your Parents (Teens)

Voicing Your Complaints to Your Parents

Identify what your parents have done to upset you. If your relationship with your parents has run into trouble, chances are they are doing things that bother you or make you feel disrespected. Think about these things before you talk to your parents. For example, do your parents try to tell you what to do all of the time? Do they treat you like a little kid? Do they enter your room without knocking? Do they go through your stuff without you knowing? Try writing down everything that your parents have done to upset you. You may find it easier to talk about certain things after you have gotten them down on paper.

Determine what you would like to see change. In order for things to improve, it is important to figure out what you would like your parents to do differently. You will need to tell them what you would like them to do differently, so make sure that your request is something that is straightforward and reasonable. For example, if you want your parents to stop coming into your room without knocking, then you might decide to ask them to start knocking and waiting for you to say “come in” before coming into your bedroom. Try writing down what you want to ask your parents to do differently.

Turn the list into “I” statements. In order to express yourself to your parents in a way that they will be receptive to, it is important to put your feelings into the form of “I” statements rather than “you” statements. “I” statements sound less challenging to people, so most people respond better to them. For example, instead of saying, “You always barge into my room without knocking,” try saying “I feel like I don’t have much privacy when you come into my room without knocking.”

Choose a good time to talk to your parents. You will have an easier time of getting your parents to list to you and agree with your request if they are in good moods. Avoid talking to your parents when they seem stressed, busy, or upset about something. For example, you might try talking to your parents after dinner or on a day that they are off from work.

Tell your parents what you need from them. The next step is to say what you would like your parents to do. In order for things to change, it is important for you to be specific about what needs to be different and tell them in direct, honest terms. For example, if you want your parents to start knocking before they come into your room, then you might say something like, “In the future, would you be willing to knock on my door and wait for me to say ‘come in’ before coming into my bedroom?”

Offer a compromise or more time to think. If your parents refuse your request, try not to get upset. Your parents may just be taken aback by the request and need some time to process it. Try asking them if they would consider a compromise or if they would like a little more time to think about your request. If your parents deny your request, try saying something like: “Okay, would it be possible for us to come to a compromise? Or do you just need some time to think it over?”

Making Peace with Your Parents

Recognize that conflict is a normal part of all parent-teen relationships. It is normal to be annoyed with your parents, to fight with your parents, and to resent them sometimes. Keep in mind that these feelings and events do not mean that you and your parents have a bad relationship, unless you often get so angry at each other that you cannot stand to speak to one another. If you are not on speaking terms with your parents, then you may want to talk to a school counselor for help.

Prevent your parents from complaining by doing what is expected of you right away. If your parents often nag you to do things like take out the trash, load the dishwasher, or get the mail, beat them to the punch by doing those things as soon as possible. Over time, your parents will begin to see that you are responsible and that they do not need to nag you to do these little things. This should lead to a greater sense of freedom for you.

Consider taking the first step. Even if your parents are in the wrong, you can start the peace-making process. By taking the first step, you will be doing all that you can do to develop a better relationship with your parents and they will need to take the next step. Some other ways to take the first step include: Inviting your parents to do something with you. Whether you ask your parents to join you for a walk or to watch a TV show with you, letting them know that you want to spend time with them is a good way to start improving the situation. Giving sincere compliments. Everyone loves compliments, even your parents. Try paying your mom or dad a compliment. For example, you might say something like, “This meatloaf is amazing!” or “I really like that tie.” Ask for advice. Asking your parents for advice will show that you value their input. This is a great way to start improving your relationship. Try asking for help dealing with a difficult person, completing your homework, or choosing a college.

Forgive your parents. If your parents have wronged you in some way and it is interfering in your ability to develop a better relationship with them, then you will need to find a way to forgive them to move forward. Forgiving someone can be hard, but keep in mind that by forgiving your parents you will be helping yourself more than you will be helping them. The anger and resentment that may come with refusing to forgive someone can eat away at you. If your parents have apologized to you about something, try responding to their apology with a statement of forgiveness. For example, you might say something like, “I have been thinking about your apology and I realize that you were sincere, so I forgive you.” If your parents have done something that they did not or will not apologize for, then you may need to make the decision to forgive them regardless of whether or not they feel sorry. You might say something out loud to yourself such as, “For my own well-being, I do not want to hang onto this resentment any longer. I choose to forgive my parents for what they did and work towards healing our relationship." Keep in mind that by forgiving your parents, you are not saying that the behavior was okay. You are just choosing to let go of the negative emotions that you feel and move forward in your relationship.

Apologize if necessary. If you feel that you have made an error, then the best way to make peace with your parents is to offer them an apology. First, take time to think through exactly what you did wrong. Next, think about what your parents would want to hear in an apology. Then, apologize by telling your parents what you did wrong, that it was your responsibility, and recognize that it was not your parents’ fault. For example, you might say something like, “Mom/Dad, I am sorry for sneaking out of the house last night. I did not realize that it would upset you so much. I was only thinking about myself. You have every right to be angry with me.” You may also want to tell your parents you are working to change your behavior. For example, you could add something like, “From now on, I will try to be more considerate of your feelings and I will not sneak out of the house ever again.”

Write a letter to your parents. Writing a letter can be helpful for both you and your parents. It will help you calm down and identify exactly what upset you about your parents’ actions. For your parents, it will help them better understand you while also giving them distance away from you to relax as well. Do not write an angry letter; instead, tell you parents how you feel and why you are upset. Recognize that you understand why they are upset as well and that you want to work on your relationship. Make sure that you use “I” statements rather than “you” statements. For example, instead of writing "You never let me use the car,” write "I feel upset when I can't use the car on weekends to see my friends."

Developing Problem Solving Strategies

Be honest with your parents. Honesty is important for all relationships, but it may be even more important for a good relationship between you and your parents. If you think that part of the problem you have been having with your parents is that you have not been honest with them in the past, then work to change that. For example, you might start practicing honesty by telling your parents the truth about where you will be, who you will be with, and what you will be doing when you go out.

Talk to your parents about fun things. It is important to converse with your parents about a variety of topics, not simply just saying 'hi' or 'bye.’ The more you talk with your parents, the more they may come to trust you and understand you. Trust and understanding are foundations for a good relationship. Having fun conversations with your parents can help to improve your relationship and will make your parents feel valued. Try beginning a conversation about everyday stuff, such as what happened in school or at practice. Then, share something funny that happened at school or ask your parents what school was like for them. Try discussing people at school, your social life, your friends, and things you like to do. Talk about pop culture, books, current events, local happenings, or anything else that you and your parents could examine together.

Work on becoming a better listener. Being a good listener is essential for all relationships, but your parents may be even more sensitive to whether or not you are listening to them. To become a better listener, try to focus on what your parents have to say. If your mind begins to wander, make sure you correct this and go back to listening. It is also very important that you hold back judgment on what your parents are saying until they finish speaking. Try to use active listening strategies to show that you are listening as well. For example, when your parents are talking, you can demonstrate that you are listening by nodding your head, making neutral statements such as “yes,” “go on,” and “I see,” and occasionally repeating what your parents have just said.

Tell your parents when you need to talk about an issue. If you feel the need to talk to your parents to resolve a problem you should do so. Try to plan beforehand what you intend to say as well as what you want to accomplish from the talk. Pick a time to have the conversation and express your desire to have a serious conversation. Think about the best way to have a conversation. Is the best way to talk face to face, by phone, or by a written letter? Make sure that you tell your parents how you feel. This will help them understand where you are coming from. For example, you might say something like, “I feel like you don’t trust me and that makes me sad.”