Setting Boundaries with a Clingy Person
Acknowledge your feelings. Before you can set boundaries, you have to identify exactly what you are feeling. You can become so overwhelmed by the other person's actions that you are not sure how you feel. The two most common emotions you may be feeling are discomfort or resentment. How do you feel when the person intrudes on your time or your space? How do you feel when you are around the person, but you would rather not be? Are there specific actions (e.g showing up uninvited, calling late at night, etc.) that cause these feelings?
Decide the boundaries that need to be set. Once you have identified your specific feelings regarding the clingy person, you can develop the boundaries that you need to set. The boundaries should be specific to the actions of the person. For example, if the person calls you excessively or late at night, your boundary may be to stop answering phone calls or not answering phone calls after a certain time. Set realistic boundaries that you will actually follow through with. Do not say that you will never talk to a person again if you know that you are not ready to take that step. Create consequences for your boundaries as well. If the person does not do ____, what will you do?
Be direct. Communicate your boundaries to the other person. Do not talk to the person when you are angry or annoyed. Be calm and assertive as you set your boundaries. Tell the other person that you are setting the boundaries as a way to take care of yourself, not to be rude or harmful. If you are nervous about talking to the other person, write down your boundaries so that you do not forget them during the conversation. For example, you might decide to say something like, “Sara, you know that I care about you and our friendship, and I always want to be honest with you. Lately, I have felt smothered because you call me eight times per day, so I’d like to set a boundary at only one phone call per day." You can also practice the conversation with a friend or family member that you trust. Have your practice partner respond as the clingy person would.
Expect the other person to be angry. When you set boundaries, you are changing the nature of the relationship with the other person. The other person will probably not like what you are doing and may become angry. Recognize that the anger is not your responsibility, but the other person's responsibility. Do not let the other person's anger change the boundaries you have set. Continue on the path you are on. Allow the person to be angry and do not try to argue with them. For example, if the person tells you that you are being mean, rude, or selfish, do not try to explain to them how you are not any of those things. You will not be able to have a constructive conversation with a person when anger is involved.
Creating Space Away from the Person
Be less available. If you have set a boundary, reinforce that boundary by being available when it feels right to you. By being less available, the person may get the idea that you are serious about your boundaries. If the person calls you, you can choose not to answer the phone call. If the person texts you about getting together, you can choose not to answer, wait a few days to text back, or tell the person again about how important your boundaries are to you via text. Next time you see the person, you don’t need to make up excuses where a simple decline will work. For example, “It’s thoughtful for you to invite me, but I’m not up for it tonight.” There is no need to be rude, aggressive or even passive aggressive such as not answering text messages. You may feel guilty or bad for setting boundaries with this person, but remember that you are doing this to take care of yourself. Although continually reinforcing your boundaries in an assertive way can get tiresome and frustrating, it is important to stay true to who you are without resorting to hurtful behaviors as well as gaining the personal space that you need.
Learn to say "No." Saying "No" can be difficult sometimes, but it is necessary when dealing with a clingy person. Telling a person "No" is easier if you offer an alternative. The alternative you offer should guide the person in a direction that is better for you. For example, if the person asks you to go to hang out, say, "Sorry I can't. I have homework. Why don't you ask one of your other friends or family to spend time with you?" She may complain that you said no, but stick with your answer.
Reinforce acceptable behavior. When you set boundaries and create space between you and the other person, you are actually creating new rules for the relationship, and the other person needs time to learn those rules. You want to encourage less clingy behavior and enforce consequences if your boundaries are violated. Be patient; it will take time for the other person's behavior to change. If the person went to lunch with someone else, tell the person that you are so glad that they went and take interest in the experience. Encourage the person to meet other people and step out of their comfort zone. Tell the person that you are proud of them for doing things like this.
Cutting the Person Out of Your Life
Take a break. Before you decide to completely eliminate a person from your life, take a break for a trial period to see if this is really what you want to do. Tell the person that you think it would be good to take some time a part to meet new people and explore some different interests. If this is a friend, let the person know that you care about them and you still want to be friends. You may say, "I really value our friendship and the time we spend together. I think it would be really great for both of us to spend some time a part and meet new people." Be kind and respectful when you have this conversation and do not place any blame on the other person. Avoid using phrases such as, "You always," "You never, or "You can't." Emphasize that you think this is a good solution for both of you.
Have an honest conversation. If all else fails and you no longer want the person in your life, let the other person know. Tell the other person that you want to end the relationship and the reasons why you want to end the relationship. Be as direct as possible. This will be a difficult conversation. You may say, "I have thought a lot about our friendship and some things have been bothering me. I want to talk to you about this." You may also say, "I have to do what is best for me. I don't think we should spend time together anymore. I wish you the best in everything that you do." Before you have this conversation, be absolutely sure that this is what you want to do.
Deal with your guilt. You will most likely feel extremely guilty for cutting someone out of your life. Your feelings of guilt are completely normal, and it will take time for you to feel better. Take confidence in the fact that you made a well thought out decision, tried to fix the relationship with the person, and did what was best for you. Accept that people come and go from your life and nobody is perfect. Try to learn from this experience and apply it to your interactions with other people.
Stand by your decision. It may take the person a while to come to terms with the end of the relationship. The person may still try to contact you or be around you. The person may ask to have another conversation or try to convince you to change your mind. Stick with your decision and do not give in to the other person's persistence. If you respond to the person, you will be sending a mixed message. Responding to the person will only encourage them to contact you. If the person calls you or texts you, you do not have to answer. You can even block the person's number so you will not know when they have reached out to you. Remember that you have handled the situation the best that you could and have made the best decision for yourself. You may need to remind that person that you no longer want to spend time around them or see them. Always be assertive and firm.
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