How to Get Your Girlfriend to Forgive You

Having a Talk

Give her a sincere apology. If you want to get your girlfriend to forgive you, then the first thing you have to do is to give her the most sincere apology you’re capable of giving. This means you have to suck it up and see her in person instead of sending her a lame text. Make sure you pick a place where you can get some privacy and a time when she is ready to hear you out; if she’s too angry to talk to you, then respect her and give her some space until she wants to talk. When you talk to her, make eye contact, put your phone away, and don’t look around. Let her see that you’ve gotten rid of all of your distractions and that her happiness is a priority for you. Keep it short and simple. You don’t need to go into a huge, elaborate explanation of why you did what you did unless you feel that it’s really necessary. What’s most important is that you make it clear how sorry you are. Say something like, “I am so sorry about what I did to you. I can’t tell you how much I regret it and how much I wish I hadn’t hurt you. You mean so much to me and I feel like such an idiot for putting all of that in jeopardy.”

Make it clear that you really do take responsibility for your actions. Don’t say something like, “I’m sorry that you feel that I did something wrong…” or, “I’m sorry you got so mad when I…” This kind of talk puts the blame on your girlfriend instead of you and makes it seem like the whole situation is all her fault even though you’re the one who did something wrong. If you really want her forgiveness, you should avoid this kind of talk at all costs. Make it clear that you’re the one who did something wrong and that her reaction was completely normal and understandable. If you’ve messed up and make it sound like she did something wrong, you won’t win your girlfriend over very fast.

Be honest with her. If you want your girlfriend to really forgive you, then you should be honest with her about what happened. You don’t want to tell her a partial truth and have her find out the rest later, unless you want her to be even more angry with you. If you cheated on her, you don’t have to give her every little detail, but you shouldn’t try to downplay what you did too much, either. If you ever want your girlfriend to really trust you again, then honesty is the best policy. She won’t forgive you if you’re holding back or clearly lying to her still. She’ll only get more angry and will feel even more hurt and upset with you. If you’re worried about your honesty not coming off the right way, practice what you’re going to say in advance so you don’t end up hurting her even more.

Promise her it won’t happen again—and stick to your word. If you really want to make her see that you’re sorry and that you mean it, then you should make it clear that whatever happened absolutely will not happen again. Whether you were cheating, fell off the grid for a while, or called her names, you can show her that you’ve really put time into thinking about not doing it again and even give her a plan of attack. This will help her see that you’re serious about improving your behavior and holding on to her. If you cheated on her, then you can say something like, “I am so sorry that I cheated on you. I’m definitely not going to flirt with other girls or even look at them. I know how important you are to me and I’m never going to do anything stupid like that again. I won’t go off the grid, and you can always call or text me to know what I’m doing so you don’t have to worry.” Just remember that actions speak louder than words. Giving her your plan not to hurt her again will go a long way, but making sure to stick to your word is even more important.

Show her you’ll change. If there are specific steps you need to take to not do what you did again, then you should tell her exactly what you have planned so she knows you’re serious about not being a repeat offender. Look her in the eyes and tell her what you plan on doing to be a better boyfriend and better person. She’ll be touched that you tried as hard as you did if you show her that you really do want to improve and won’t go back to your old ways. You can say something like, “I’m so sorry I called you names. The next time I get so worked up, I’m going to step outside and take a breather or give myself a few minutes to speak. I’ll make sure I’ll think before I speak next time so I don’t end up saying something I don’t mean again. I’m even thinking about taking anger management classes if I can’t solve this on my own.” If you tell her about your plan, make sure you’re willing to put it into action so she actually trusts you.

Listen to her. It’s likely that your girlfriend will have something to say to you about what you’ve done, and it’s important for you to take the time to really listen to her. Make eye contact, don’t interrupt or contradict her, and don’t say anything until she’s really done speaking. Make her see that you really value her opinion and that she matters so much to you; when she’s done, let her know that you’ve heard everything she said by carefully reflecting on her words as you speak. You can practice reflective listening. After she has spoken, you can say something like, “What I’m hearing is that…” or, “I see that you feel like…” to show her that you’ve really thought about it. Though you may be tempted to argue with her or to contradict her when she’s done talking, remember that you’re supposed to be apologizing here. You can certainly give her your perspective, but you don’t want to come off as aggressive or she’ll be even more angry.

Let her see how much she means to you. When you apologize to your girlfriend, it’s important for her to see how much of an impact she’s had on your life. Tell her how amazing she is and how you’re a fool for putting your relationship into question; remind her of some of the best things you love about her, and let her see that you’re really upset that you hurt her. While you don’t want to sound too much like you’re sucking up, you should make it clear that you really care for her and don’t want to lose her. Be specific. Don’t just tell her she’s the most amazing girl ever; refer to specific qualities that show you’re really paying attention to her. You don’t have to put on an act. If you really do care for her, then it should be pretty obvious to her as soon as you start apologizing.

Earning Her Trust Back

Give her time if she’s not ready to accept your apology. Even if you’ve said your part and have done a convincing job of showing her how much you wish you hadn’t messed up, it doesn’t mean that she’s going to jump back into your arms. She may not be ready to accept your apology or even to spend another minute with you. If this is the case, then you need to be patient and not put pressure on her to accept your apology before she’s ready to. You’re the one who made a mistake and now the ball is in her court. Be patient with her. If she doesn’t want to hang out or even to talk for a while, you have to be respectful of that. While you may want to check in to see how she is from time to time, you don’t want to overwhelm her, or she’ll be even more upset. Tell her that you’ll be waiting and ready and that you hope to see each her again soon. Let her see how hurt you are and how much you want to see her again and to make it up to her.

Take it slow. If she doesn’t want to spend 24/7 with you right now, then you have to be respectful of that. She may be slowly coming around to spending time with you again, and you have to be understanding that she needs some time to try to ease into the relationship. Spend time doing casual things, like watching TV or eating lunch together, and don’t try to whisk her away on a romantic dinner date or weekend vacation if she can barely look at you. Start slow, doing the simple things you used to love to do together, and take it from there. This goes for being affectionate and intimate, too. Don’t try to smother her with hugs, touches, kisses, or attempt to hold her hand or put your arm around her every chance you get before she’s ready, or this will actually slow down the process further. Let her make the calls. If she’s up for going to a party together, then you can do it, but you shouldn’t make her go out in public with you if she’s not ready for it.

Be dependable. You have to be as dependable as possible if you want to rebuild your relationship. You have to be there for your girlfriend and make her see that you’re going to help her out if she needs a ride or a favor, show up for a date at the time you say you’ll be there, and be there for her if she’s upset and needs to talk something out. Dependability is one of the most important qualities of a good boyfriend, and if you want her to trust you again and to feel safe with you. Don’t flake on her. If you weren’t able to do something you said you’d do, you better have a really good excuse. Be there whenever she wants to talk or needs some advice. Let her see that you want to go out of your way to hear her out and make her feel happy. Being dependable is important, but you have to make sure she doesn’t feel like she can walk all over you just because you messed up. You want to maintain your dignity.

Be available. To earn her trust back, you have to be available when she tries to reach you. This doesn’t mean you have to drop everything to do what she wants you to do, but it does mean that you should try to pick up your phone as quickly as you can when she calls or texts you. Let her see that you’ve got nothing to hide, and if you’re going to have your phone off for a while, like if you’re going to be watching a long movie in the theatre or at your baseball game, then give her a head’s up so she doesn’t wonder why you’ve gone off the grid. If you’re out with your friends, let her know where you’ll be and what you’ll be up to. Though she doesn’t have to track your every move, you should generally try to be open about your plans so she doesn’t worry that you’ll hurt her again. If you’re apart for a few days, then give her a call and check in with her to show that she’s still on your mind.

Don’t try too hard. While it’s important to go out of your way to get her to trust you again, you don’t want to be trying so hard that it seems like you’re putting on an act or not being yourself at all. If every word you say or every thing you do makes it obvious that you’re just trying to get in her good graces again, then she’ll feel like you’re not being real with her. You can make a big effort to win her over again, but you shouldn’t forget to be yourself; after all, that’s who she started dating, isn’t it? You can be more helpful, kind, and loving than you normally are, but you shouldn’t completely forget yourself in the process. Make sure you still make time to pursue your own interests and don’t make your life all about making your girlfriend happy. You can get her flowers or chocolate if things are going really well, but if you give her too many gifts when she’s just not feeling it, then she’ll think you’re trying to buy her love back.

Don’t give her any reasons to be jealous. If your girlfriend needs to forgive you because you were unfaithful to her, then you have to make sure she doesn’t have any reason to be afraid that you’ll do it again. When other girls are around, you can talk to them, but don’t openly flirt with them or stare at them, if you can help it. When you get a phone call or a text, don’t go to the other room or look shady when you answer it, and let her know that it’s just your mom or buddy calling. Do what you can to make her see that you only have eyes for her. Okay, so it may be impossible to fully stop checking out other beautiful women, but you can try to minimize it as much as you can around your girlfriend, thinking about how much it will upset her. If you were out with your buddies and some girls you knew came out, you can let her know about it so she doesn’t find out from someone else.

Slowly return to doing the things you love together. As you work to make her forgive you, you and your girlfriend can begin to do the same things you used to love together, whether it’s hiking, cooking, watching all of the year’s Oscar-nominated films, or going to trivia night with your friends. You shouldn’t force it, but once you both feel ready to return to some of your old routines, you should let her see how happy and grateful you are that you can start to go back to how things were again. Take the time to really enjoy your girlfriend’s company and to make her feel special. Focus less and less about making it up to her and more and more on enjoying your relationship again. If she had any unrelated complaints when you upset her, such as the fact that you’re always late to dates, make sure you acknowledge those as well.

Returning to a Healthy Relationship

Make her feel loved. As your relationship gets more and more stable again, you can make sure that your girlfriend knows how much you care about her. If you’re already saying “I love you,” then you shouldn’t forget to say it at least once a day; if you’re not, make sure you compliment her and make her feel good about herself when you’re together. Let her know and see how happy you are to be with her and how much you love dating her. You don’t have to smother her with affection, but you should never take her for granted. Don’t assume that she knows how much you care for her just because you’re hanging out together; let her see how much you care through your words and your affection. Write her sweet love notes or even hand her a full letter saying how much you care for her. Be thoughtful. If she’s mentioned a new book she wants to read, let her know that you listen to her by giving it to her.

Find something new to do together. Though returning to your old routine can make your relationship feel more stable, you can also work to discover new things together to keep your relationship fresh and to do things that don’t remind her of the time you hurt her. You can discover a new sport, take a class together, or even take a mini vacation to a campsite or beach over the weekend. Don’t just do whatever she wants to do to please her; try to find something new and exciting that you both will love. It doesn’t have to be too elaborate. You can just learn to make pasta together, join a bowling league together, or discover a new director together. The most important thing is that you both keep your relationship feeling fresh. You don’t have to do too many new things at once. Making an effort to do at least one new thing every week or two while continuing to do some of the old things you love together will keep your relationship going strong.

Communicate openly. In order to maintain a healthy relationship, you have to be committed to communicating openly and listening to her as often as possible. Don’t keep your feelings bottled up inside or become passive aggressive when you’re mad; instead, make time to talk to her about any problems in your relationship so that you both feel that you’re on the same page. Make sure to really listen to her and to address her concerns while making her aware of how you’re feeling. Strong communication is key for any strong relationship. An important part of communication is learning to compromise. Make sure you can both find a way to make each other happy when making a decision and that one person doesn’t always get his or her way all of the time. Work on reading your girlfriend’s expressions and body language. Know her love language and know what's important to her. She may be upset without telling you, and there will be times when you have to ask her what’s wrong. She’ll appreciate the fact that you’re paying such close attention to her.

Work on moving past the incident. Once you’ve apologized and have worked on rebuilding a healthy relationship, you have to be able to move past what happened. While your girlfriend may not be able to completely forget what happened even if she has forgiven you, you both have to be able to accept what happened and to focus on the present and the future instead of the past. If you both keep bringing up what happened all the time, then you won’t ever be able to fully move forward. You should work on enjoying the relationship on its own terms instead of being fully focused on making it up to your girlfriend. Of course, if your girlfriend wants to talk about what happened, you shouldn’t avoid it, but you should also make an effort to have other things to talk about as well.

Know when the damage is done. Unfortunately, there may be times when your girlfriend won’t be able to forgive you, no matter how hard you’ve tried to change for her. If you’ve done too much damage to repair the relationship, then it’s important to be aware of this so you both know when to cut your losses. If you’ve been trying to make things feel “normal” for months and just keep going back to what happened, keep fighting about the past, and still can’t open up to each other, then you both may have to accept that you can’t fix the relationship anymore. If you’re getting the sense that your girlfriend won’t ever be able to fully forgive you, then you should have an honest conversation with her about it. If this is the case, then the sooner you know, the better. If you have to end the relationship because of what you did, then the best thing you can do is view it as a learning experience and make sure not to make the same mistake again.