Looking at Their Behavior
Question whether your friend constantly disappoints you. False friends may frequently lie, break promises, or pull disappearing acts when you need them most. Reflect on the friendship over the past several weeks or months. Has this friend regularly let you down in some way? If so, you may be dealing with a fake friend. If your friend is constantly disappointing you, you will have to decide which is the best option—to lower your expectations of the friendship or let them go completely.
Pay attention to “me, me, me” behavior. Reflect on how you feel during or after being with this friend. Do you regularly feel overlooked or ignored because they need to be at the forefront of every conversation or decision? If so, your friend may not have your best interests at heart. You should feel better after spending time with your friends, not severely drained, tired or annoyed. If your friend can’t seem to focus on anyone else but themselves, they may want an audience, not a friend. However, keep in mind that your friend might just need some time to mature. They might even respond to some gentle constructive criticism. For example, try saying, “I sometimes feel frustrated when we hang out because we spend so much time talking about what’s going on in your life. I feel like you don’t make much time to listen to me.”
Look out for uncaring traits. Friendliness and compassion are at the core of good friendships. If your friend has a host of inconsiderate behaviors, you may need to reconsider the relationship. For instance, your friend may fight with you and always expect you to be the one who apologizes. This isn't a healthy, balanced friendship. Your friend may also bail on you when you seem to need them most, like the time you went through a breakup and they flaked on you to go to a party.
Watch for signs that they support you and your interests. Does your friend care about who you are as a person? If so, they should come to your orchestra performances and ask you how cheerleading tryouts went. They should also remember your birthday and other important events. If your friend belittles or laughs at your interests—or never shows up to anything important—they may not support you.
Check if they accept your flaws or simply throw them in your face. Everyone makes mistakes. A good friend should be willing to give you a break and not continuously remind you of everything you’re doing wrong. If your conversations are an endless loop of your flaws or mistakes, you may need to get some distance from this person. If you hurt your friend, you shouldn’t expect them to forgive you easily. However, they also shouldn’t hold mistakes over your head. Otherwise, you’ll just feel crabby whenever you’re around them.
Spot signs of guilt-tripping. True friends understand that sometimes you get busy and can't make time for them. So, if your friend tries to make you feel bad for saying "no" or not being able to hang out, they may not be a real friend. Everyone gets busy, so you shouldn't be punished when you're not always available. Be especially wary if this same friend expects you to always be available to them, but they don't have the same standard for being available to you.
Spotting Communication Problems
See if they're uncomfortable talking to you. These include small movements of false friendship. When friends talk about you, they may feel uncomfortable with you. Notice fidgeting, twirling their hair, or sweaty palms around you. Not all signs mean they are faking as a friend. It might just be a habit they have. If you know that they chew on their nails, it's probably not a sign that they are faking it. If they look like they are afraid or doesn't look directly into your eye of avoids eye contact, that could mean that they feel guilty about something.
Watch and see if they listen to you, or just like being listened to. Active listening is important for building strong relationships, no matter what kind. If you make an effort to hear your friend out, but they don’t reciprocate, they may not be a genuine friend. Pay attention when you’re talking to them: do they cut you off or interrupt often? Do they disregard what you say and shift the topic to something else? For example, maybe you come to your friend with really big news. A fake friend may not want to hear about the news—they'd much rather talk about themselves.
Set a boundary and see if they respect it. To test a friend’s sincerity, express some limitations to them about the friendship and see how they react. An authentic friend will be willing to accept and respect your personal boundaries. For example, you might say, “Hey, I can’t hang out on Thursdays anymore. I really need to dedicate more time to studying chemistry.” or “Can we not discuss sex? It makes me uncomfortable.” If this person continues to cross the lines you have set or doesn’t acknowledge them at all, they may not be a real friend.
Look for signs of envy or jealousy. Some friends are the best as long as everyone is on relatively equal footing. The moment you excel at something, however, this person's claws may come out. If they gripe, tease, or roll their eyes at your successes, they may not be your real friend. One very easy sign is to see if they gossip about you. That might mean the are jealous. If your friends are gossiping about someone with you, it probably means that they also gossip about you. A true friend would talk about how someone is good, not bad. Avoid gossiping with them. Other signs of envy include feeling like your friend is always competing with you, never getting a pat on the back from them, and having to include them in everything you do just so they don't feel left out. A jealous friend may become possessive if you spend time with other people. A true friend should never try to isolate you from other friends or loved ones.
Take note of passive-aggressive tendencies. Does your friend say "okay" to favors, but then later never follows through? Do you ever feel like they are trying to subtly sabotage you? If this describes your friend, they may be passive-aggressive, a behavioral trait that can really get in the way of real friendship. You won't be able to change their passive-aggressive tendencies, so don't even try. Instead, try to avoid such fake friends and speak assertively when you do have to interact with them.
See if your secrets somehow become public knowledge. Think back to determine if your dirty laundry regularly gets aired. If so, you may have a false friend in your midst. You may even test this person’s loyalty by telling them a small “secret” and asking them to keep it to themselves. If you hear about it elsewhere, you’ll know exactly who was responsible for the leak. Also, if your friend gossips to you about their other "friends," there's a good chance you are being gossiped about, too.
Notice if you hear from the person often. Does your friend stay in constant communication with you? This may vary between relationships, but, for the most part, good friends stay in contact. Plus, when they do call, it’s to catch up—not merely to ask for a favor. If you only hear from this friend when they need something, they may not actually be a genuine friend.
Forming Authentic Friendships
Reevaluate your relationship with false friends. Ask yourself whether you want to continue spending time with a fake friend. Think hard regarding how you feel when you're with this person. See if they are adding anything positive to your life at all. If they are not, it may be in your best interests to call it quits. You might also consult with other people you trust. Ask a parent, older sibling, or trusted friend whether you should break up with a fake friend.
Have a talk with the friend. Tell your fake friend what you've been noticing about their behavior. Be clear about how their actions have affected you. Then, use how they react to help guide your decision. For instance, if they seem apologetic and strive to change, you may give them another chance. However, if they deny their behavior or become hostile, letting go of the friendship may be a wise idea.
Lower your expectations to protect yourself from getting hurt. To avoid dedicating too much of your time and energy to false friendships, change your expectations about certain people. By lowering your standards, you won’t have to constantly feel let down or ignored. You might continue to have these people in your life, but not put too much time or effort into the relationship. For example, you might simply place this friend in a new category, such as “acquaintance.” If you start thinking of them as an acquaintance, it may not matter so much if they don’t call for your birthday.
Connect with people with whom you have common interests and values. Meet new people that have the same interests as you by starting a volunteer commitment, taking a new class, or joining a club. When you’re hanging out with new people, pay attention to how they engage to see if they also have the same values as you. For example, if you make your friends a priority, notice if this person emphasizes in-person interactions over virtual ones—i.e., they aren’t constantly distracted by their phones. If you value honesty, notice if a new friend lies or withholds information about themselves.
Use caution when sharing personal info with new friends. Turn new acquaintances into deeper friendships by making self-disclosures. Do this carefully and gradually, though. You don’t want to risk sharing something too intimate with someone who won’t be a true friend. For example, you might tell them about your career goals first to see if they reciprocate. Then, as trust develops, you might share more intimate info, like details about a medical condition you have. In addition to protecting your self-interests, gradual disclosures are actually the healthiest way to form new relationships. It's uncommon to know someone's deepest, darkest secrets within the first week of knowing them.
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