How to Set Boundaries with a New Guy

Spend time defining your boundaries.

Knowing your boundaries allows you to communicate them clearly and confidently. Ask yourself “What makes me feel uncomfortable?” If you’re not sure, think about behavior you’ve seen in past relationships (or other people’s relationships) and check in with how it makes you feel. Listen to any feelings of anger, frustration, or resentment, since those will tell you when someone has crossed a line. Try the circle exercise: Draw a circle and write down what you need to feel safe, supported, and loved in a relationship. Outside of the circle, write down behaviors that distract or get in the way of your needs. Write a list or journal entry about your “dealbreakers” in a relationship and important boundaries. Check in with yourself: “What’s important to me in a relationship? What are my values? What parts of myself am I willing to share?” Practice tuning into your feelings. Throughout the day, ask: “How am I feeling? What is my body trying to tell me?”

Protect your time and energy.

Set expectations about how often you’ll see each other and communicate. No matter how often you want to talk, make sure you’re both on the same page. Plus, it’s healthy to carve out some time for yourself, even though spending time with him probably feels amazing and exciting. Check out these examples of boundaries and how to explain them simply: “I like texting you, but I can’t text you during my workday.” “I hang out with my friends every Wednesday night. Can we do Thursday instead?” “I’m really tired tonight and won’t be able to come over. Could we catch up tomorrow?”

Clarify digital and social media expectations.

Discuss posting photos, sending photos, and setting relationship status. Ask him how he feels about you posting photos of the two of you on social media, and let him know what you’re comfortable with. Discuss whether you’re comfortable sending or receiving explicit messages and photos. Either way, it’s totally your call, and you shouldn’t feel guilty for letting him know your preferences. Talk to him about your thoughts on changing the relationship status on your social media profiles, and ask for his feelings on it. Try phrasing the boundary as a team agreement: “I’ll always ask you before I post a photo of you on social media. Can we agree to both ask permission before posting?” “I’m not comfortable sending those types of messages, and I’m also uncomfortable with getting texts like that.” As the relationship gets more serious, set boundaries about technology and personal passwords: “I don’t want to share my phone password, but if you want to change the music, I’ll unlock it for you.”

Speak openly about financial preferences.

Dating shouldn’t cause either of you monetary stress! When dates start to get pricey, talk to your partner about alternatives, or let your partner know ahead of time that you’re on a budget. If your partner asks to borrow money, or continually asks you to pay, don’t hesitate to say no and have a conversation about keeping your finances in check. It might feel a little awkward at first, but your partner might be right on the same page. Check in with your feelings. How do you feel about paying versus splitting the bill? For example: “Instead of alternating who pays, how about we just pay separately?” or “Dinner’s on me tonight. Does 7PM work?” Speak up and suggest an alternative if something’s too expensive: “Hey, that trip sounds a little out of my budget. Could we do a day trip instead?” Say no to loaning money: “I really care about you, but as a general rule, I don’t loan money to friends or people I’m dating. Is there another way I can help you?”

Hold onto your own opinions and thoughts.

Your intellectual boundaries protect your beliefs, choices, and even your goals. They make you a unique, special, independent person. To set intellectual boundaries, get in touch with your future dreams, opinions, and values, and promise yourself that you won’t let your partner influence or persuade you to act in a way that isn’t true to those thoughts. Separate your opinions from your partners. Practice saying, “I have a different perspective on that.”

Decide when you want to be emotionally vulnerable.

You get to choose when and how you’d like to share your feelings. Emotional boundaries have to do with how we take care of ourselves, express what we feel, and process things. For instance, you might feel really pressured to say “I love you” if he says it first. But you don’t have to say those words if you’re not ready. Here are some questions to ask yourself as you build emotional boundaries: “When am I ready to say ‘I love you?’” “Do I share my feelings easily or do I need more time before I open up? How can I communicate that to my partner?” “Do I expect my partner to be there for me when I’m going through a tough time?”

Know your limits for offering emotional support.

It’s not your responsibility to act as your partner’s therapist. This is an incredibly tough situation to be in, but it’s important to take care of yourself. If your partner is struggling with their job, home life, or mental health, you can still help him without taking on a huge burden. Empathize with your partner and redirect him towards professional help. It’s really easy to feel guilty in this situation, but encouraging your partner to talk to a counselor or therapist will actually help him more in the long-run. “It’s really hard for me to hear you talk about yourself that way. Could I go with you to a counselor so you can get some help working through this?” “I’m here for you, but I don’t know if just talking to me is going to be enough. What would you think about seeing a therapist?”

Talk about your comfort zone for physical intimacy.

Tell your partner what you’re okay with and what makes you uncomfortable. Remember that you and your partner both need to ask for (and receive) clear verbal consent before you do anything sexual. You don’t need to do anything physical in order to have a real relationship, and you don’t owe your partner anything when it comes to your body. Let him know your boundaries in advance: “I’m down to come over tonight for dinner, but I won’t be sleeping over.” Reinforce your boundaries with a serious tone of voice and eye contact if he starts to cross them: “I feel uncomfortable with that right now. Please stop.” Tell your partner what you do want: “I’d like to go back to just kissing.” You can change your boundaries at any time: “I’m not in the mood to cuddle right now. I love you, but I just need a little space.” Your boundaries can change depending on location: “I’d rather we kiss in private and not do PDA.”

Communicate your boundaries as early as possible.

Prevent uncomfortable situations by starting the relationship with clear expectations. For instance, one of the first boundaries you set might be defining what you expect and what you want out of the relationship. But a discussion on boundaries doesn’t have to be just a one-time thing. Check out these other examples of when to set boundaries to prevent issues from popping up: Before you go on your first date (or within the first couple of dates), clarify what you’re looking for: “I’m looking to date casually and have fun” or “I want to be really honest. I’m looking for something serious right now.” Before you start being physically intimate, describe what makes you comfortable and uncomfortable: “I’d like it if we could… In general, I’m not comfortable with…” Even though it’s easier to set boundaries early, remember you have the right to set them whenever something makes you uncomfortable.

Be clear when you talk about your boundaries.

Use specific language to describe where you draw the line. Give him examples of behavior or situations where your boundaries apply. It might feel a little awkward to be super specific, but remember your partner wants to understand how to treat you! Honesty will ultimately strengthen your relationship. Talk face-to-face to avoid misunderstandings. Note when boundaries apply: “On the first date, I prefer to drive myself there. Thanks for the offer!” Provide examples of behavior that crosses a line: “I don’t like when people swear at me or yell at me. In those situations, I like to take time for both of us to calm down.” Describe behavior that you do want: “I saw you sent me a lot of messages this morning while I was in a meeting. I want to talk to you, but the best way to get a hold of me is just to drop one message. I’ll respond as soon as I can!”

Use “I” statements when you explain what you need.

“I” statements prevent your partner from feeling attacked. After all, boundaries are about empowering you to ask for what you need to feel safe. As you use “I” statements, avoid over-explaining and just state what you need. As long as your boundaries are about protecting yourself and not controlling your partner, however you feel is valid! “I would like it if…” “I feel upset when…” “I’d prefer…” “I’m not in the mood for that right now. I’d like…”

State your boundaries without apologizing.

Don’t feel guilty for setting boundaries. Treat your boundaries as a form of self-love and self-respect. It’s easy to feel afraid of confrontation or rejection when you say “no” or create rules, but know that your wants and needs matter just as much as your partner’s. Push past any embarrassment or guilt and be assertive about what you want. Start with small boundaries if it feels too hard to speak up. For instance, just try saying “no” to one thing: “I’m not feeling Thai food tonight. I’d love to check out that Caribbean place, though.”

Enforce your personal rules with consequences.

Discuss what will happen if your partner crosses a line. Tell your partner you’ll call him out on the behavior, leave the room, or take some time to yourself. By creating a consequence for violating boundaries, you make sure that people will respect the rules you set and not let others take advantage of you. Be kind but firm for small boundary issues: “Hey, remember when I told you I’d let you know if the texting got to be too much? I’m feeling overwhelmed by all the notifications.” Take a timeout if your partner crosses an emotional boundary: “It upsets me when you say that about my family. I’m going to take a walk to cool down and then let’s talk about this.” Don’t feel guilty for standing up for yourself with bigger boundary issues: “I feel extremely uncomfortable when you pressure me to do that. I’m going to head home.”