Developing a Grateful Mindset
Bring up the subject of gratitude gently. Think about where your loved one is coming from before giving them advice about being grateful. Try to be sensitive and empathize with them. Let them know that you just want to help them notice the positive aspects of their life. For instance, they might be going through a rough spot, juggling a lot of responsibilities, or trying to cover up insecurities. Try saying, “I don't want you to think I'm judging you. It's easy to overlook the good things in life, especially if you have a lot going on. You have a lot to be grateful for, and I just want to help you recognize that.”
Explain that gratitude can improve their overall well-being. If you’re trying to convince a friend or relative to be more grateful, start by telling them how gratitude is linked to mental and physical health, and provides a variety of benefits, such as increasing mental strength, improving sleep, and increasing self-esteem. When you’re grateful, you acknowledge the connections you share with people, events, and things. Because of this, cultivating gratitude can deepen your relationships and help you recognize the world’s beauty and complexity. Tell them, “Gratitude can help you notice the good things in your life, but that doesn't mean you should overlook the bad. You can also appreciate the lessons you learned from hardships or the people that helped you overcome them.”
Recommend that they list things they usually take for granted. Paying attention is the key to cultivating gratitude. Ask your friend or relative to think about small aspects of their life that go unnoticed. If they need help, give them a few examples of easily overlooked things that you couldn’t live without. For instance, it’s easy to overlook things like having air to breathe, the feeling of the sun on a warm spring day, having food and shelter, and the sound of your favorite song or musical instrument. Try saying, “It’s really easy to get caught up and forget about basic things that make our lives worth living. When I’m feeling down, I try to think about how great it is that I can take a bubble bath at the end of a long day, or how much I love taking a drive and singing along to my favorite songs.”
Ask them to imagine losing someone or something they love. Tell your loved one that, while it might seem dark, contemplating life without the people and things you value most is a good way to deepen your sense of gratitude. Let them know that you get that it’s uncomfortable to think about losing a relative, pet, or home, but that it can help them focus on how these things bring them fulfillment. Cultivating gratitude isn’t just about listing everything that’s good in your life. The key is to acknowledge that your life wouldn’t be the same without the person or thing you appreciate.
Take them on a walk around their favorite park or nature trail. Ask them to name a nearby place that makes them happy, then take them there. Walk around, enjoy each other’s company, and take in nature’s sights, sounds, and smells. Experiencing nature can foster a sense of gratitude for the countless ways the planet sustains life. If they dislike the outdoors, you could take them to one of their favorite indoor locations. For instance, if they’re a foodie, go to a restaurant they’ve been dying to try. If they love art, spend an afternoon at a gallery or museum.
Give them tips about how to stay positive during a rough patch. It's hard to be grateful after a few bad days in a row. Remind your loved one that being grateful doesn’t mean they should ignore the challenges they face. If they're in a rut, let them know you understand that things seem bleak, but try to help them find bright spots. For example, they might say, “Everything seemed to go wrong today. I locked myself out of my house, made a major mistake at work, and broke my cell phone.” In response, you could say, “That was definitely rough, but at least you got through it! Good thing you gave your sister a spare key and she could help you. You can afford a new phone, and now you have an excuse to treat yourself. As for work, sure, you might need to learn from your slip-up, but I know you'll get past it.” If the person is not willing to see the reasons for gratitude in specific or small scale things, then encourage them to look at the big picture, such as the fact that they are alive and how that in itself is a gift.
Remind them of how they’ve overcome past hardships. Mention that, in a way, it’s possible to be grateful for hardships. Explain that hardships can help them recognize the positive aspects of their life. Ask them how an obstacle taught them a lesson, or ask about the people who helped them overcome hardship. For example, suppose they suffered an injury that resulted in a lifelong disability. They can be grateful that they survived the injury, appreciate their loved ones who help them with daily tasks, and have faith that adapting to their disability will make them a stronger person.
Trying Gratitude Exercises
Advise that they start each day with a gratitude meditation. Ask your friend or relative to set each day’s tone by reviewing the 2 or 3 things they appreciate most. Before they even get out of bed, they should stretch their arms out and breathe in as deeply as they can. As they stretch and breathe, they should concentrate on what or who makes them most grateful. Suggest that they think or say something like, “I am so fortunate to have people who love me, that I’ve slept in a warm bed, and that I didn’t go to bed hungry. No matter what happens today, my life is filled with goodness.” You might also recommend a gratitude app, such as Insight Timer, to help make it easier for the person to practice gratitude meditation.
Tell your loved one to write in a gratitude journal for 15 minutes a day. Ask them to set a time each day to write in their journal. Recommend they write in the evening, so they can reflect on their experiences that day. Additionally, note that the best time to write is when distractions are at a minimum. Let them know that they can use a pen and paper or electronic device. Tell them to use whichever method they prefer. They could make a list of 5 to 10 things they appreciate about their day, or they could write a paragraph-long reflection about a single event. Mention that specific descriptions, like “An old friend gave me a call today and it was wonderful to reconnect,” are more effective than vague ones, like “I’m grateful for my friends.”
Suggest that they keep a gratitude jar or box. They could start by decorating a box or large glass jar. Each day, they should write things that they’re grateful for on small strips of paper, then place the strips in the jar or box. As the jar fills up, it serves as a visual reminder of all the good things in their life. When they’re feeling down, suggest that they reach into the jar and read a few notes.
Mention that they can get creative with drawings and collages. If they’re more of a visual thinker, tell them that they can express their feelings in images instead of words. Suggest that they make a collage with photographs or drawings of the people, places, and things that make them happy. They could also make sketches of specific interactions that made them grateful, like their neighbor bringing them soup when they were sick, their plant that started blossoming, or of the the sun coming out after a week of clouds and rain.
Exchange regular gratitude notes with each other. You and your loved one could send each other a daily text or email expressing something you appreciate about the other. You could each save the notes in a file on your phone or computer, then read them when either of you needs a pick-me-up. If noting qualities that you appreciate about each other seems awkward, you could express your gratitude indirectly by reminiscing about your friendship. You could send each other regular “throwback” texts or emails, like, “Remember when we went to that concert and you got to go up on stage?” or “The funniest picture of us came up on my social media memories today. We’ve had so many great times!”
Expressing Gratitude to Others
Give examples of how they can thank people for small gestures. Let them know that there are plenty of little things they can thank people for every day. Tell them to say “Thank you” when someone holds the door for them, when they check out at stores or dine out, and when someone pays them a compliment. Suggest that they look the person in the eye and thank them sincerely instead of responding automatically to be polite.
Have them write thank-you notes to people they appreciate. Recommend that they write out a thank-you note by hand to someone who’s made a difference in their life. While it’s great to thank someone when they do something nice for you, a thank-you note doesn’t have to be about something recent or an action. They could just write about the person’s qualities and why they’re grateful to have that person in their life. For example, they could write to a friend, “You’re such a dedicated, hard-working person. You’ve always been such a great influence on me, and you inspire me to pursue my goals.”
Suggest that they deliver thank-you notes in person, if possible. Tell them that they should read their note to the person they’re thanking face-to-face whenever possible. It’s great to get a thank-you note in the mail, but it feels even better to hear someone thank you in person. For people that live far away, they could also read their note over the phone.
Tell them to thank their partner and close friends frequently. If they’re in a relationship, mention that thanking each other at least once a day can help couples strengthen their bond. Tell them to thank their partner for specific actions and to randomly thank them for being who they are. If they’re not in a relationship, let them know that expressing gratitude regularly can help strengthen friendships, too.
Encourage them to give small gifts to express their gratitude. You could also suggest that the person give small gifts to people who they are grateful for. They don’t need to do this all the time, but giving someone a small gift now and then is a great way to show appreciation for them. For example, they could give a coffee mug to a friend to thank them for helping them through a breakup. Or, they could give a small potted plant to a coworker for helping them to complete a project.
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