Creating a Welcoming Environment
Introduce yourself by the name you would like the child to use. Your welcome begins as soon as the caseworker walks into the home with the foster child. Use a soft, friendly voice to greet the caseworker and the child. Introduce yourself by the name you would like the child to use when referring to you. Do not insist the child call you “Mom” or “Dad,” as this will be confusing to the child. Instead, add a “Miss” or “Mister” to your first name, such as “Mrs. Sandra” or “Mr. Keith.” You may also offer the child a few options on how to address you. Doing this will give the child the power to choose and make his or her own decision. If there are other members of the household, you should introduce them as well or allow each person to introduce themselves. The child should not be expected to call other members of the household “sister” or “brother.” Instead, use first names.
Take the child on a tour of the house, including their new room. You should then take the child on a tour of the house, from the kitchen to the living room to the upstairs bedrooms. You should also make sure the child’s new room is ready and set up. Keep their room or area of a room simple and clean, providing a bed, a bedside table, and a bureau or closet. You may also set up a desk in the room, if available. Include fresh bedding on the bed and keep the walls bare. Tell they child they can decorate the walls how they sees fit and make the room their own. You may include a personal detail based on information you received previously about the child. Maybe the caseworker shared that the child loves a certain sports team or is a big reader. You may then include a poster of the child’s favorite sports team or a stack of books in their room. You may also include a night light for the child, especially if the child is younger. Some foster children have a hard time sleeping in the dark in a new space.
Give the child a welcome book. To really make the child feel welcome, you may create a “welcome to your new home” book. The book could include photographs of your family and brief biographical information about your family. Try to make the book feel welcoming and specific to the child by including the child’s name in the book. You may also include photographs of each room in the house, including information on what the foster child can and cannot do in each room. You can include a list of the house rules in the book so the child can read them on their own. This can be a good way to set boundaries and rules for the child early.
Provide a welcome basket for the child. Another option is to create a welcome basket for the child. The basket could be filled with new clothing, books, small toys, and photograph frames. These items could help the child to feel welcome and comfortable in your home. Giving the child a basket of items also gives them a chance to claim items that are their own in their new home. This can feel empowering for the child and give them a sense of ownership. The empty photograph frames are a good option as they give the child a chance to frame any pictures they may have of their biological family or any close friends. Over time, the child may also decide to put a photograph of you and your family in the frame.
Have comfort foods ready to offer the child. The smell of freshly baked cookies or pizza warming in the oven can be a real comfort for a child in a new environment. Have a tray of cookies on hand or pop pizzas in the oven while you give the child a tour so they will be ready by the time the tour is done. Comfort food can really ease the stress of being in a new environment for the child. Try to share a meal with the child and the family on the first night. Encourage everyone who lives in the house to come to the dinner or meal. This will help the child to feel comfortable and give them a sense of the routines in the house.
Prepare familiar meals for the child. Eating meals may be a big routine in your home and it can be a good way to reinforce bonding and comfort with the child. You may need to teach the child table manners and healthy eating gradually so they can adapt. Do this by first sticking to the diet the child is used to and prepare comfort foods. This may mean making fast food or processed foods for the first week so the child can feel comfortable and less nervous at the table. Over time, you can start to teach the child to choose healthier food options. You can also reinforce table manners and etiquette at the table. Do not rush and be patient, as the child may need time to get used to these expectations.
Setting Rules and Boundaries
Share the house rules and expectations. Try to sit down with the child and establish the house rules on the first day. Lay out your top five No-No’s in your home so the child is aware of your expectations. For example, your first rule may be to give everyone in the house privacy and not touch or talk about other people’s bodies in inappropriate ways. You may also have a rule where no one hits or speaks unkindly to anyone in the house. You may say, “In this house, we talk to each other with respect and kindness. We listen and we do not interrupt.” You may also ask the child for their own set of expectations and rules. If some of their rules do not align with yours, gently explain that in your home, this is how it is done.
Warn the child before you enforce your expectations. Avoid discussing consequences with the child until an incident occurs. Try to deal with the incident by reminding the child of your expectations and by giving out a warning. You may then enforce the consequences if the child disobeys you even after you have given the warning. Do not hit or spank the child, as this can be triggering for the child. Try to treat the child as you would any other children in your home. Be firm and reinforce consequences for bad behavior, but be reasonable and never be violent with the child.
Give the child house chores to do. Make the child feel part of the family by giving them house chores during their first week in the home. These could be simple, easy chores like wiping the table after a meal or helping to wash the dishes. This will show the child that they have the same responsibilities as everyone else in the house and make them feel like an active member of the family. You may also ask the child if they feel comfortable doing certain house chores. Give the child options and allow them to choose from two to three chores. This will give her or him the ability to decide what they feel most comfortable doing in their new environment.
Discuss the child’s school options. You should also sit down with the child and discuss their schooling. Most foster children will be required to enroll in school right away as it helps them adjust. You may ask the child if they will be okay going to the same school as the other children and if they had any special interests or needs at their previous school. You may also gently let the child know that they have to attend school and work hard in school to be a member of the household. Most foster children qualify for special benefits and assistance at school, depending on the school and state or area.
Ask for the child’s input in family activities and plans. You can also make the child feel welcome by asking for input on upcoming family trips or activities. This will help them feel like they have a voice in the house. Doing this can also allow you to get to know the child better, as they may suggest a surprising and interesting family activity or plan. Get them involved in the decision making in the home so they feels their opinion matters.
Maintaining a Healthy Relationship with the Child
Do not expect the child to fit in right away. Remember that the child is likely frightened, uncomfortable, and confused when they walk into your home. They may also be angry or upset at being in a new environment. It is important that you are patient and understanding with the child. Give the child time to get used to the routines and habits of their new home. Over time, they should start to feel like they belong. As the child's new guardian, you may also need to reinforce feelings of welcome and comfort toward the child on a daily basis. You are building a relationship with the child over time, so focus on being understanding and considerate of the child’s needs.
Support the child if they are required to go to therapy. Most foster children will need to attend weekly therapy sessions with a therapist as part of their foster care. You may have the option of having school based therapy for the child or home based therapy. School based therapy happens at school, where the child is pulled out of class or lunch once a week for a therapy session. Home based therapy requires the therapist to visit the child once a week at home. Both options allow you to save time by not having to commute every week for the child’s sessions. It also gives you more time to spend with the child and more time for the child to spend with the family. If home based or school based therapy is not an option, you may have to take the child to therapy sessions at a facility or a therapy office. You should make a plan with the child so the therapy day is in their schedule. Try not to miss any of these appointments and bring the child to the sessions on time, as this will show that you are supporting the child's need for therapy.
Focus on creating positive memories with the child. Perhaps one of the biggest ways you can foster comfort and welcome is to focus on building memories that are positive for the child. You may take photographs of the child spending time with the family and with you. You may also document big moments in the child’s life, such as their first day at their new school or their first family outing. Doing this will help to build a long term relationship with the child that is positive and sustaining.
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