Talking to and Coping with Parents Who Disapprove of Your Interracial Relationship

Talk to your parents before they meet your partner.

Prepare yourself for their reactions. Don’t bring your partner into a potentially hostile environment. If your parents don’t approve of your relationship, sit down and talk with them about their feelings and your expectations ahead of time. That way, you’ll get a sense of how they’ll react and whether you feel comfortable introducing your partner to them. It doesn’t have to be super complicated. Keep it simple and say, “Hi, mom and dad, can we talk?” or “Hey mom and dad, I need to talk with you guys. Can I come by this weekend?” It’s not fair to introduce your partner without getting an idea of how your parents are going to react first. You don’t want too potentially ruin their first meeting.

Be very direct when you talk to your parents.

Just come right out and say what you’re worried about. Talk about how much you love your partner and how you feel it’s important for them to meet each other. Let your parents know that it’s important that they treat you and your partner with kindness and respect. Try saying, “This is my boyfriend/girlfriend/fiancé, and I’m going to be with them. They’re very special to me, and I’d like you to meet them. But first, I need to know that you’re willing to be civil and respectful.” Don’t beat around the bush. Get it out in the open so you can talk to your parents about it. Be firm but kind about how you feel. Try not to alienate or isolate your parents. Talk about how important they are to you and how much you care about them.

Remind them of the values they taught you.

Tell them that the person you love shares those same values. Chances are your parents taught you to be kind and accepting of all people, regardless of their race or religion. Talk about how you’re only taking their advice. Make them see that their disapproval isn’t right or what they’ve always claimed to support. Tell them, “You always told me to love everybody equally. Well, that’s what I’m doing!” You could also say, “I thought you would be more open and accepting than this. That’s what you taught me to be as a kid.”

Address your parents’ concerns.

Challenge their thoughts, but validate their feelings. Your parents’ objections may not make sense to you, but they likely feel very real to them. Instead of shutting them down or flat-out telling them they’re wrong, hear them out. If you disagree with their concerns, gently explain why. For example, say something like, “I can see you’re worried that things will be hard for our future children, but those attitudes are changing. We can all play a part in making sure those prejudices become a thing of the past.” Some objections won’t be so easy to address or “fix.” For instance, if your parents genuinely believe that people of other races are inferior, you may have to accept that you won’t be able to have a rational conversation with them about the issue. Even if you can’t find common ground, you can still acknowledge your parents’ feelings. Say something like, “I know this is really upsetting to you, Mom, but I just don’t agree with you.”

Let your parents know you’re willing to sever ties.

Your parents need to know how serious you are about this issue. Tell your parents that if they aren’t willing to respect your relationship or your partner, you won’t put up with it. Say that you’re willing to distance yourself from them and their prejudice if that’s what it takes for you to be happy. Try saying, “I don’t want to cut you out of my life, but I will if you aren’t willing to respect my choices.” You could also try, “I don’t have any room for hate or prejudice in my family. If that’s what you choose, then I won’t be around you.” Reiterate how much you want them to be a part of your life. For instance, “I want you to be at my wedding and to see my children, your grandchildren. That can't happen if you don't accept my partner.”

Set some ground rules with your parents.

It’s vital to enforce strong boundaries. Sit down with your partner and decide what kinds of behaviors you are—or are not—willing to tolerate from your parents. Once you’ve defined your boundaries, explain them clearly to your parents. Be gentle, but firm—let them know what the consequences are if they violate your boundaries, and do your best to follow through. For example, say something like, “Dad, it’s very hurtful when you make jokes about my boyfriend’s hair. If you do that again, we’re going to have to end the call.” If you have specific concerns about how your parents are going to act, talk to them about it ahead of time. For instance, you could say, “We want to visit for spring break this year, but I need to know that you won’t try to argue with Abeerah about her religion.” You can also set limits for yourselves on how you’ll interact with your parents. For instance, if you find that things get tense when you’re around them for long periods of time, you might agree not to spend more than 1 day at their house.

Get comfortable with talking about race.

It’s likely going to come up often. Your parents may make some uncomfortable or awkward remarks from time to time. Intentional or not, try to be open to explaining cultural or ethnic differences to them. Don’t get upset or offended. Instead, use any time race comes up as an opportunity to educate your parents. For instance, if your partner is Middle Eastern and Muslim, and your parents are serving ham or other pork products, gently explain why eating pork isn’t okay for your partner. This doesn’t mean you can’t correct your parents if they’re wrong. If they have negative stereotypes about your partner’s race, call them out for it and explain how it’s not okay.

Don’t minimize your partner’s differences.

Share some of their cultural and ethnic differences with your parents. Welcome your partner into your family and allow your parents to learn more about them. Get your parents to try new things and teach them about some of your partner’s cultural differences so they can learn more about them and where they come from. For example, you could have your partner cook a meal or introduce your parents to some of the music and entertainment they enjoy if your parents haven’t experienced it before. It’ll be fun! Don’t force your partner to hide parts of their identity. Let them be themselves around your parents.

Be patient and willing to teach your parents.

It may take some time for them to come around. While you don’t have to abide by any prejudices that your parents may have, try to cut them some slack when it comes to learning new things about your partner. If they’re willing to try, give them credit for it! If your parents have never heard of some of your partner’s customs or culture, don’t get frustrated or upset with them. Instead, give them a chance to learn.

Talk to your partner about the issue.

Be honest with them about how your parents feel. Dealing with unaccepting family can be extremely difficult for both you and your partner, but it’s important to be upfront with them about it. Explain the issue, and be clear that you and your partner are on the same team. Let them know that it’s very important to you that they feel comfortable and safe. For instance, say something like, “My parents have some really old-fashioned ideas about people of different races and cultures, and they’re not very happy about us being together. But I want you to know that I love you and I’m on your side in this.” If you have concerns about how your parents will behave around your partner, let your partner know ahead of time. Come up with a plan for what you will do if things get out of hand. For example, “If they start to act disrespectful, we’ll leave right away.”

Take care of yourself and your partner.

Dealing with prejudice is stressful, especially from family. Even if everyone is trying their best, a situation like this is bound to get you and your partner down from time to time. Prioritize self-care and encourage your partner to do the same. Focus on strengthening your bonds as a couple by doing things together that you both find relaxing, fun, and meaningful. For example, you might take a yoga class together, go on walks as a couple every day, or collaborate on creative projects.

Build a strong support network.

Try to connect with other interracial couples. They’ll probably sympathize with what you’re going through, and may be able to offer helpful advice. If you don’t know anyone else in the same boat, search for interracial couples meetups and support groups in your area. Even if you don’t have other interracial couples to hang out with, make a point of surrounding yourselves with people who are supportive of your relationship.

Let your parents go if they refuse to respect your relationship.

If all else fails, prioritize your own happiness. Give your parents the opportunity to change and accept your relationship. If they choose not to do so, that’s on them. You don’t have to put up with their prejudice. Move on and be happy with your partner. Maybe in time, your parents will see the error in their ways. But until then, you don’t have to put up with their negativity.