How to Accept Your Baby's Assigned Sex at Birth

Examining Your Gender Concerns and Expectations

Think about why you are having a hard time accepting your baby’s assigned sex at birth. The first step toward accepting your baby’s assigned sex at birth is to think about and identify why you are concerned about or disappointed in your baby’s assigned sex at birth. Personal beliefs, your cultural background, family pressure, and society’s expectations can all influence how you feel about your baby’s assigned sex at birth. While your feelings are personal and unique, here is a list of common reasons why people may have difficulty accepting their baby’s assigned sex at birth: Some cultures value one gender more than another, or place limitations and impose strict gender roles. Your family has expectations that your child should be a certain gender or behave a certain way. You may already have children of one gender, and hoped for your next baby to be the same gender or a different one. Sometimes a parent feels like they will be better able to relate or connect with one gender more than another. There is a perception that "gender" is easier or harder to parent. You hoped for a child who did not share your assigned sex at birth. You may feel like you faced gender discrimination and don’t want your child to face the same circumstances. You may feel like only boys can carry on your name or legacy. You planned for one gender, but your child turned out to be another. For example, an initial ultrasound may have indicated you would have a female baby, but you end up having a male baby. Concerns that one gender has a greater risk of inheriting a genetic disease or condition.

Ask yourself if your struggle to accept your baby’s assigned sex at birth is really about the baby’s assigned sex at birth or a fantasy about the baby’s assigned sex at birth. It’s natural for parents to think about the assigned sex at birth of their baby and envision how the baby will fit in the family and imagine what the baby will be like as a child, a teenager, and as an adult. So, when the baby’s assigned sex at birth turns out to be different from what you expected, experts say you are reacting more to the disruption in your dream or fantasy than you are to your baby. Don’t feel like your baby is a mistake or the wrong gender. Instead, embrace the new possibilities and create a new dream.

Avoid thinking that you will fail to connect with your baby because of their assigned sex at birth. Don’t make assumptions that one "gender" gets along with one parent more easily than another or can only take part in certain activities. A child will love and connect with parents who put in the time and effort to provide support. As a parent, your actions and words determine whether or not you will bond with your child.

Challenge yourself and your gender expectations. You can make a commitment to accepting your child’s assigned sex at birth and confront any negative gender assumptions you may have. For example, if there were things you looked forward to doing with a male or female baby, ask yourself if it’s really impossible to do these with a child of another assigned sex at birth. At the same time, you can also think about and celebrate the new opportunities you may have. For example, think about the special relationship that mothers and sons can have or fathers and daughters. Remember, a child can do anything when parents offer support, love, and encouragement.

Ask for medical advice if you are concerned about the child's assigned sex at birth increasing the risk of inheriting a disease. Many medical professionals can do testing before and after the baby is born to determine if they may be at risk for contracting a hereditary condition. Medical professionals can tell you if your concerns are valid, and they can also provide advice on how to prepare for and treat a child with this condition. Being prepared and confronting your fears is better than worrying and feeling hopeless.

Make a commitment to accepting your baby’s assigned sex at birth. If you make a commitment to accepting your baby’s gender, you’ll be better able to cope with your feelings and move forward. Think about the consequences of raising a child who feels unwanted and unloved because of their gender. He or she may suffer from low self-esteem, difficulty accepting themselves, problems connecting with others, and having successful relationships. To prevent this from occurring, you can start working through your gender disappointment.

Working Through Gender Disappointment

Acknowledge how you are feeling. Although assigned sex at birth disappointment might seem like a taboo topic, if you don’t admit how you are feeling, you are going to have a hard time moving past it and learning to accept your baby's assigned sex at birth. Here are a few suggestions to help you get started: Write a letter about how you feel. When you’re done, try tearing it up or burning the letter. This can help you like you are letting go of your disappointment and concerns. Keeping the letter around can act as a constant reminder of these feelings, and it won’t help you move forward. Talk with a friend or family member about what you are experiencing. The chances are high that they have dealt with a similar situation or know other people who have, and they might be able to offer some good advice on how to accept your baby’s assigned sex at birth.

Realize that you are not alone. You might worry that you are the only person struggling to accept your baby’s assigned sex at birth and that it means you will not be a good parent. Many people, however, admit that they have felt disappointed about the assigned sex at birth of their baby at different points in their lives. Here are a few ideas about how you can feel less isolated and alone: Many parenting magazines and websites offer ways to connect with people who may also be struggling to accept their baby’s assigned sex at birth. Consider joining a chat room or posting on an online bulletin board. You will feel less isolated, and may also be able to help someone else improve their situation. If you know other new mothers or fathers in your area who may be having a hard time accepting their baby’s gender, form a support group and establish regular meetings. You can also join an existing support group for expectant parents or new parents.

Be honest with your significant other about what you are feeling and thinking. You might feel reluctant to communicate with your significant other about your feelings for fear that he or she will be upset, angry, or hurt. However, attempting to hide your feelings will prevent you from working as a team to parent and raise your baby. Since you’ve probably spent some time examining your concerns, you can communicate with your significant other about why you are having a difficult time accepting your baby’s assigned sex at birth. Explain that this is something you are committed to resolving, and that you would value their support and advice. They may be able to help reassure you, and if you agree to work on the matter together, you’ll both feel less upset, anxious, and disappointed. Trying to disguise your disappointment isn’t a long-term solution, and your significant other may be more hurt if you wait to share your concerns.

Meet with a doctor, midwife, nurse, or counselor. Setting up a time to meet and talk with a midwife, doctor, nurse, or counselor about what you are going through is an important step in feeling better. They interact with many parents-to-be, and are experienced in offering emotional support and medical care for any problems that may arise. They will also be able to identify whether your assigned sex at birth disappointment might be caused by a medical condition such as postpartum depression. If you feel like your current medical professional is not supportive or understanding of your situation, consider working with someone else.

Remind yourself that this is your baby, regardless of their assigned sex at birth. Instead of focusing on how disappointed you feel or how hard it is to accept your baby’s assigned sex at birth, try thinking about how amazing and miraculous that you could have this child. Remind yourself that your baby needs your love, support, and acceptance, and this has nothing to do with assigned sex at birth. Keep in mind that every baby, whether male, female, or intersex has the same basic needs—food, sleep, attention, affection, and love. It can also be helpful to remember that assigned sex at birth is only one aspect of what makes your baby who they are. Instead of fixating on assigned sex at birth, think about the personality traits, physical features, and family background and history that make your baby unique and special.

Raise your child in a way that helps them overcome cultural prejudices related to assigned sex at birth. If your reason for not wanting a certain assigned sex at birth comes from cultural or social expectations, teach your child to accept themselves regardless of their gender. Instead of conforming to other people’s ideas about what your child can or can’t do, support your child in whatever they decide to do and teach them to challenge gender barriers and gender prejudice. For example, having a female child doesn’t mean you can’t play sports with them, fish with them, or bond with them. Avoid teaching your children that activities are off limits because of their assigned sex at birth. While you can share activities with your child regardless of their assigned sex at birth, it’s important not to force them to do things they aren’t interested in. This could jeopardize your relationship with your child, and make it difficult to accept his or her gender.

Give back. One way to help you cope with gender disappointment and accept your baby’s assigned sex at birth is to volunteer your time to work with children in your community. For example, if part of your dream of having a boy was to coach your son’s sports team, consider signing up to coach a team in your area. If you imagined yourself mentoring a daughter, you could volunteer to be a role model for young women in your community.

Bonding With Your Baby

Cuddle with your baby. Researchers have shown that cuddling with your baby increases the bonding chemistry between parents and newborns. As a result, cuddling may also help you accept your baby’s assigned sex at birth and improve your connection with your newborn. Touch your baby’s skin. Nuzzle the top of your baby’s head. Smell your baby. Look into your baby’s eyes.

Be involved in your baby’s care. Feeding, bathing, and changing diapers may seem like chores, but performing these activities will help you feel more responsible and closer to your baby.

Take your baby places. Go for a walk around the neighborhood with your baby in a stroller, take them to the grocery store, or walk around the mall. The more time you spend with your baby, the closer you will feel to them, and the time spent on these activities will promote assigned sex at birth acceptance. You will also encounter many people who admire and compliment your baby, which will make you feel even more like a proud parent.

Tell your baby you love them just the way they are. Even if you still feel disappointed that your baby’s assigned sex at birth is different from expected, tell your baby you love them just the way they are. It’s important for your baby to feel loved, but verbalizing acceptance will also help you feel more accepting.

Be patient. While television and movies often depict the bond between parents and babies as immediate, this isn’t always the case in real life. Be patient, and give yourself time to process all the changes in your life. Pregnancy and the initial months after the baby is born bring major physical and emotional changes. Sleep deprivation, hormone levels, and lifestyle shifts may make you feel disappointed, depressed, and like you are having a hard time accepting your baby’s assigned sex at birth. Pressuring yourself to bond with your baby may make you feel more anxious and disappointed, so take your time.

Expect your feelings to re-emerge. Although you may feel like you have come to terms with your baby’s assigned sex at birth and have successfully bonded with your child, it’s natural for your previous concerns and feelings to re-emerge occasionally. When this happens, don’t be hard on yourself. Sometimes, it can be helpful to think about what may have triggered your feelings. For example, did you see a baby in a store or hear someone talk about their baby that reminded you of how you initially felt?

Seek help. If you are struggling to bond with your new baby and accept your baby’s assigned sex at birth, it’s important to seek help and work with a mental-health professional. A trained psychologist, counselor, or therapist, can help you connect with your baby and learn to accept your baby’s assigned sex at birth.