How to Deal with a Condescending Boss

Keep your cool.

Try not to react negatively. Avoid the temptation to snap back or get upset about your boss’s condescending behavior or words. Whatever you do, don’t storm off or get angry. Instead, focus on staying as calm as you can. Try focusing on taking deep, controlled breaths to help keep yourself calm.

Smile and respond with something positive.

Kill them with kindness. Flash a bright big smile on your face and answer their rudeness with a pleasant response. Just your positive energy could be enough to get them to actually cause them to reassess their behavior. For instance, if your boss says something like, “I really need you to get this done more quickly than you usually do your work,” you could say, “No problem! I’ll make it my number one priority.” Try not to come off as sarcastic. Just focus on being positive and relaxed.

Share in their frustration.

Validating their feelings can help neutralize a bad situation. Show your boss that you understand that their condescending behavior is really just a result of the stress and frustration of work. Help pull them out of their bad mood by telling them that you get how frustrating something is. They may realize that you’re actually on their side and it might put them in a better mood. You could say, “Yeah, I totally get it how frustrating this is” or “Trust me, I get why this is so stressful.”

Focus on solving the problem at hand.

Try offering solutions to whatever may be causing their behavior. Show your boss that you’re engaged and working to find potential solutions to whatever issue or problem you’re discussing with them. Redirect their negative energy away from you by pointing to things you can try to resolve the issue. They’ll refocus on the current task instead of continuing to be condescending towards you. For example, if your boss tells you, “I don’t think you bothered to send the client information about the project,” you could say, “I’ll double-check and send it over to them right now if they haven’t received it.” If your boss directs their frustration about a company-wide problem towards you, redirect it with something like, “I see how that’s a problem. Maybe we could make it a new policy so everyone is on the same page.”

Take a step back to evaluate their behavior.

Consider whether or not your boss meant to be condescending. Some people are just naturally more abrupt or impatient than others. Take a second to think about whether your boss is actually being condescending or if it’s possible that maybe you just perceived it that way. Try to look at things objectively and without emotion. It’s possible you misinterpreted what they said or did. If your boss sends you an email that says, “I need this now not later this week” it really could just be that they’re in a rush and just need something quickly. Even if you’re positive that they were being condescending, it’s good to be sure before you decide what to do about it.

Imagine things from their perspective.

Put yourself in their shoes to understand why they might be upset. Try to think about what they’ve been dealing with at work. Think about what pressures they may under. It may not excuse it, but it could help you understand why they’re behaving in a way that feels condescending to you. Having some perspective can also make it easier for you to control your emotions and avoid getting upset by their words or actions.

Try to interact face-to-face if you can.

It can help prevent any miscommunication or misinterpretation. Tone and intention can easily get lost in emails, Slack messages, or any other form of text communication you may use at work. Try to discuss work matters in person with your boss as much as you can. That way, you can get a better reading on how they’re saying something and whether or not they’re actually being condescending. If your boss sends you an email that you think might have a condescending tone, try following up with them about it in their office the get a better idea of whether or not it was intentional.

Pay attention to your boss.

Try not to clam up or you could come off as disengaged. Don’t just sit there and take it if your boss is being condescending towards you. It could make it look like you aren’t paying attention or taking them seriously. Look at them when they’re talking and respond to them if they’re asking you questions. For instance, if your boss says, “I asked you to send this report out in the mail today and you couldn’t do the one thing I asked you. Did you not hear me? Do you not care?” you could say, “No, I heard you, I just wasn’t able to get to it.” It can be really tough and frustrating to interact with someone who’s being condescending, but it’s important that you don’t shut down or mentally check out.

Stand up for yourself.

Give them a little bit of pushback but don’t go too far. If your boss is being actively condescending to you, don’t just grunt and bear it. Respond to their questions and try to explain yourself. If you disagree with something they’re saying, tell them. Don’t get rude or get into an argument, but don’t be afraid to hold your ground. If your boss says, “I just don’t understand how you couldn’t get this done. Is it too complicated for you?” you could say, “No, it’s not too complicated, I just may not have fully understood exactly what you wanted.” If your boss was wrong about something and says, “You haven’t finished the project? Why can’t you ever get anything done on time?” you could say, “You said you needed it by next Friday, so I thought I had more time.”

Talk to them about it in private.

It’s possible they may not even realize they’re doing it. If your boss has been consistently condescending, ask them for a meeting. Think about some recent examples of your boss’s condescending behavior or comments. Have them fresh in your mind so you can bring them up when you talk to them. Tell them, their behavior makes you feel uncomfortable and has affected you and your work performance and ask them to stop. To ask for a meeting, try saying, “Can we have a quick chat in your office when you get a chance?” You could practice saying, “It really made me feel bad when you put me down in front of the entire staff at the last meeting.” You could also say, “I want to do my work well, but if you’re condescending, it makes it harder for me to focus.” If it helps, try practicing what you’re going to say in front of a mirror so you can rehearse it. EXPERT TIP Frank Blaney Frank Blaney Conflict Resolution Specialist Frank Blaney is a Certified Qigong and Tai Chi Instructor with over 15 years of teaching experience. Passionate about making Qigong more accessible to people, Frank is the author of "Qigong: The Quick & Easy Start-Up Guide." He also holds a 2nd Degree Black Belt in Jujitsu and trains executives and staff of corporations, NGOs, and communities in self-care, personal performance and conflict resolution. He holds an MA in Negotiation, Conflict Resolution, and Peacebuilding from California State University Dominguez Hills. Frank Blaney Frank Blaney Conflict Resolution Specialist Remember that people will treat us how we allow them to treat us. Rather than approaching the conversation in a combative way, use the conversation as an opportunity to educate your boss about how you prefer to be addressed in a professional environment. Do it in a gentle and respectful way, using "I" statements.

Document your boss’s behavior.

It may come in handy if you have to file a complaint. If you’ve got a really difficult boss who is regularly condescending towards you, start writing down every instance that it happens. Keep a running document of things they say to you in person and keep a file of any comments you have in writing.

Go to HR if it gets too serious.

Explain how your boss’s behavior is affecting your work. If talking to your boss doesn’t do anything to change their behavior, it may be time to go talk to a manager or a human resources representative. But, keep in mind that HR is more focused on protecting the company than they are you as an employee. So be ready with evidence of your boss’s condescending behavior so you have irrefutable proof. Going to HR may seem extreme, but if you’ve tried everything else, it may be your only option.