How to Deal With a Defiant Child

Communicating With Your Child

Set reasonable behavioral expectations. You should set expectations for your child’s behavior that are both consistent and clearly communicated. However, when you develop these expectations, consider your child’s behavioral skills and abilities at their age. For example, it may not be reasonable to ask your 8-year old to stay seated and quiet for several hours at a time. If you impose expectations for maturity that are beyond the child’s capacity, you set your rules up for failure. Recognize that the part of your child’s brain that controls impulses and emotions is constantly developing, even into adulthood. Ask yourself honestly what rules your child is capable of following so you are prepared to deal with the inevitable behavioral transgressions. Think about creating rules with the help of the child. This may provide them with more of an incentive to follow the rules since they had a say in making them. If your child has demonstrated that they are able to comply with certain behavioral expectations but does not do so consistently, this is likely an act of intentional defiance. Recognize these situations and impose discipline appropriately. Take time to explain your expectations to your child, free from other distractions like television or toys. You may even want to write them down and post them somewhere in house that they will see everyday as teachers often do in elementary classrooms.

Stay calm during a tantrum. Children throwing tantrums are often trying to provoke a reaction. Yelling, threatening, pleading with them to stop, or simply giving into their demands may or may not stop the tantrum in the short term but will not teach them to behavior maturely. Set an example by staying calm and staying firm on your position. Your child may continue their tantrum for a time but will likely eventually recognize that they are not getting their desired reaction, tire themselves out, and find more mature ways to get your attention in the future. Don't try to talk with or discipline your child while they're having a tantrum. Understand that tantrums are a natural childhood reaction to feelings of powerlessness. While your child will have to learn to deal with situations where they are not in control, you may be able to alleviate these situations by giving them a small amount of control. The best way to give your child a manageable amount of personal freedom is to give them acceptable options rather than imposing a single option. For example, if your child expresses a desire to dress themselves, lay out 2 or 3 acceptable clothing options and let them chose. You can do the same for meal options and recreational activities, among other things. Working with your child like this will make them feel empowered. If the tantrum occurs in public and you find it urgent to diffuse the situation, have a backup plan for pacifying them, such as giving them a lollipop or agreeing to do something they like later. It is not good to give in consistently so if you find their public behavior consistently problematic, arrange for homecare when you need to attend a public gathering.

Practice active listening. Children often feel powerless and unheard, leading to tantrums and defiant behavior. Let your child express themselves and react without judgment or evaluation. Instead, recognize the point they are making and repeat it back to them to express that you respect their feelings and are trying to genuinely understand them. This will not only demonstrate empathetic maturity to them but make it more likely that they will respect and understand your response. If, for example, your child does not want to go to school, instead of insisting or trying to convince them they do want to, ask them why, acknowledge their concerns, and try to suggest ways they can cope with them. After you’ve acknowledged their feelings, then express why they have to attend in simple and honest terms. Accepting your child’s feelings is not the same as agreeing or caving to them. Active listening is about demonstrating maturity and empathy so your child learns by example.

Reward good behavior. Providing a clear incentive for good behavior is just as important as deterring bad behavior. When your child does comply with your commands, you should, at a minimum, express gratitude and admiration for their good behavior. Better yet, provide small rewards like extra playtime, extra television time, or their favorite snack. On the other hand, avoid criticism and punishments as these are negative reinforcements. Focusing on what they are doing correct and offering praise is a better way to get them to continue the positive behavior. Positive reinforcement is just more effective.

Disciplining Your Child

Make a plan and stick to it. Think of reasonable punishments for specific problematic behaviors before you are confronted with defiance. This will remove emotion from your discipline and prevent you from seeming arbitrary. The more consistently your rules are applied, the more likely your child will adapt to them. EXPERT TIP Anna Elton, PhD, LMFT Anna Elton, PhD, LMFT Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Anna Elton, PhD, LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Clinical Sexologist, Speaker, and Author based in Florida. With over 15 years of experience, she works with individuals, couples, and families both nationally and internationally. Dr. Elton is an author and the founder of the non-profit “I Care We All Care". She is also the host of Life, Love, Etc., a bi-weekly relationship show reaching over 100,000 viewers per episode. Her clinical work and insights have been featured on PBS, FOX, ABC, and NBC, and she contributes regularly to Psychology Today through her blog Life, Love, Etc. She received a Ph.D in Clinical Sexology from MSTI, a Master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from UMass Boston, and a BS in Psychology from UMass Boston. Anna Elton, PhD, LMFT Anna Elton, PhD, LMFT Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Managing a defiant teenager requires a balance of structure, incentives, and consequences. Have clear, consistent rules and expectations. Teens need to understand the results of their actions, both positive and negative. This balance shapes behavior long-term, rather than just doling out punishments or rewards.

Set privileges that can be taken away. Offer your child a consistent privilege, such as the ability to buy a new toy every week or a set amount of internet time per day. Clearly articulate that these are privileges, not rights, and that they will be taken away when they act defiantly. Set a time limit for the removal of privileges, such as no internet (or computer in general) for one week. It’s important to express that the privilege needs to be earned back and if the defiant behavior continues, the timespan of the punishment will increase.

Use timeouts. For more severe bad behavior, use timeouts. Studies show that timeouts are the most effective form of negative reinforcement and can serve as an effective deterrent for intentional defiance when administered properly. Give your child a warning first and then a timeout if the bad behavior persists. Send your child to a room with no television, games or internet. Forcing them to stand in a corner or facing a wall can be used as an escalating factor if your initial timeouts aren’t working. If your child is under that age of 6, start by sitting with them during the timeouts and performing a positive activity like reading a book or doing a puzzle together. This will help them adjust to the idea of a cool-down period after a tantrum.

Don’t use violence. Spanking, slapping, or any other physical is more likely to develop hostility than correct the behavior of a defiant child. Even when done with mild force, physical discipline is strongly linked with childhood aggression, anti-social behavior, and mental health problems later in life.

Recognizing Deeper Issues

Look for patterns in defiance and demand refusal. Sometimes, this is a sign of unmet needs. Is the kid defiant in general, or are there specific things they're trying to avoid? Kids may act out when they're scared of something. If you know what they're avoiding, you can help support them so they don't have to face stressors alone. Kids with learning disabilities may act out or refuse to do learning activities that are too difficult. This is because it's stressful for them to struggle alone. The right support can make it easier. Kids with sensory processing disorder, including some kids with ADHD and autistic kids, may avoid overstimulating situations, such as crowded areas or loud activities. This is because everything feels more intense and they know it will be stressful. Helping meet their sensory needs, such as by giving them noise-canceling headphones and calming fidget toys, can help. Kids with anxiety disorders or phobias may avoid specific situations that scare them. Sometimes, this means acting out. Therapy may help untangle these anxieties and build coping skills.

Know the signs of Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD). If your child’s defiance is extreme and persistent, they may have Oppositional Defiant Disorder. You will need a diagnosis from a psychiatrist to confirm this and clinical talk therapy to treat it. The classic symptoms of ODD include consistently irritable mood, an extreme tendency toward argumentativeness, impulsivity, vindictiveness, and significant behavioral problems at school. ODD is often accompanied by antisocial behavior and self-harm. The symptoms of ODD generally begin to show before the age of 8. The symptoms should persist for a least six months before a diagnosis can be made.

Know the signs of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). ADHD is an increasingly common diagnosis for children with persistent behavioral problems. You will need a diagnosis from a psychiatrist to confirm this. There are a host of cognitive and talk therapies designed to treat ADHD as well as stimulate medications like Ritalin and Adderall. ADHD is typified by a persistent inability to stay focused. It can also be accompanied by hyperactivity, absent-mindedness, forgetfulness, mood swings, anxiety, and depression. Talk to your children regularly so you know what is going on in their lives. Acting out may be related to stress they are experiencing unrelated to the current situation. For example, maybe they are being bullied or are bored with what they are being taught. This can lead to behavior similar to ADHD.

Know the signs of trauma. Persistent defiance can be a sign of traumatic stress in children. The cause of trauma can be physical like abuse, bullying, or experiencing a car crash or more emotional like going through a parental divorce or the death of a family member. If your child is expressing bad behavior because of traumatic stress, you will likely need to see a therapist for more information about causes and treatment. A sharp change in behavior and mood after a potentially traumatic event is an obvious sign that it is linked to the event. Anti-social behavior, mood swings, and a loss of cognitive skills problem-solving are also warning signs that bad behavior is linked to trauma. Speaking to a therapist will help get to the real issues behind your child's behavior. Medications can just keep symptoms at bay.