Examples of Abuse
Watch for your teacher yelling or calling you names. When you think of abuse, you might imagine someone hitting you or pushing you around. But people can also abuse others with their words. If your teacher yells or screams at you, calls you names, or says mean things to you, these are also forms of abuse. Think about whether your teacher says things that are hurtful or uses their voice to frighten or upset you. There’s a difference between a teacher being firm or raising their voice to be heard and being abusive. For example, when the class is being noisy, your teacher might loudly say “Quiet, please!” to get everyone’s attention, and that’s okay. On the other hand, it would be abusive if they were to scream “Shut up!” in an angry voice. Sometimes abusive people will say mean things and then say that they were “just joking” when you get upset. They might also tell you that you misunderstood or that they didn’t say what you thought they said. Verbal abuse can be just as harmful as physical abuse, and it’s never okay for someone to treat you this way. If your teacher says mean or abusive things to you, it’s not your fault.
Look out for hitting, grabbing, poking, or shoving. If your teacher uses physical touch to hurt or frighten you, that’s abuse. They should never push, poke, pinch, hit, or grab you. Even if it doesn’t hurt, your teacher shouldn’t touch you in ways that scare you or make you uncomfortable. If your teacher hits your desk, throws things, punches or kicks wall or objects, or raises their hand like they’re about to hit you, those are also abusive behaviors. Even if they aren’t actually hurting you, your teacher should never make you feel afraid or unsafe!
Ask yourself if your teacher ever makes you feel scared or embarrassed. Sometimes someone can hurt you without yelling or using their hands. Think about whether your teacher has ever done something to intentionally make you feel bad, frighten you, or shame you in front of your classmates. For example, if your teacher were to shove your books and pencils off your desk and then order you to pick them up, that would be an abusive action. You deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. It’s never okay for a teacher to embarrass you or shame you on purpose.
Get help right away if your teacher touches you inappropriately. An adult should never touch any private parts of your body or ask you to touch their private parts. Your teacher also shouldn’t ask you to keep secrets about the way they touch or talk to you. If they ever touch you in a way that makes you uncomfortable, tell someone right away. If this happens, don’t wait. Get away from your teacher as soon as possible and call for help immediately. Your teacher should never touch any part of your body that would be covered by a bathing suit or your underwear. It’s also abusive if a teacher speaks inappropriately about your body. For instance, it would be okay if they said, “You look so nice today!” or “That’s a pretty dress.” But it would be inappropriate if they said something like, “I love the way your legs look in those tights.”
Note whether your teacher ignores your needs. Sometimes abuse is about the things someone doesn’t do. Your teacher is supposed to look out for you and take care of you, and it’s their job to listen if you need help or something is wrong. If your teacher puts you at risk by not caring for your needs, this is a type of abuse called “neglect.” For example, your teacher should never: Ignore you if you say you’re hurt or feeling sick Refuse to let you go to the bathroom or see the school nurse Keep you from drinking water if you’re thirsty or prevent you from leaving the classroom for lunch Refuse to help you or believe you if someone else is hurting or bullying you Constantly pass over you or ignore you when you try to ask questions or speak up in class
Getting Help
Tell your parents or another teacher right away. If your teacher is abusing you or other kids in your class, don’t wait—tell someone immediately! This can be really hard to do, but it’s the best way to protect yourself and your classmates. Talk to someone you trust, like your parents or another relative, another teacher, the principal, your coach, or the school counselor. If your teacher has seriously hurt you or someone else, call 911 or your local emergency number as soon as it’s safe to do so. Try saying something like, “Mom, I have to talk to you about something important. My teacher has been yelling at me and the other kids almost every day. Sometimes she gets in our faces and acts like she’s going to hurt us.” Keep telling people if the first person doesn’t listen to you. The more people you talk to, the more likely it is that someone will be willing to help. Even if your teacher threatens you or asks you not to tell anyone, it’s very important to let other adults know what’s going on. Remember, telling someone might help not only you, but other kids who are getting hurt.
Keep a record of the things your teacher does. Any time your teacher does something abusive, write it down. Make sure you write down the details of what happened as well as the time and place. If anyone else was there and saw it happen, write that down, too. For example, you might write something like, “Mrs. Johnson called me ‘fat’ in front of Lily and Olivia when I asked for a snack break during second period on Tuesday.” Keeping a record will help you keep track of what your teacher has been doing, and will also make it easier for you to get help. You can use your notes to show other adults that there’s a pattern of bad behavior. If you’ve written down the names of other people who saw the behavior, then other adults can ask them about what happened. They might be more likely to listen if other people can back you up.
Explain clearly what your teacher has been doing. Sometimes, adults might not understand that what you are talking about is really abuse. Make sure you give lots of specific details about what’s been happening so that they will have a clear picture of what your teacher is doing. For example, don’t just say to your parents, “My teacher is mean.” They might assume that your teacher is just strict or expects you to do a lot of work. Instead, say specific things, like, “Sometimes Mr. Walsh throws things and calls the kids ‘stupid.’” It can be really frustrating to feel like someone doesn’t believe you or isn’t taking you seriously, but don’t give up. Give as many examples as you can. You can even show the adult your notes, if you’ve been keeping a record.
Get other kids in your class to back you up if you can. If your teacher is abusive to you, there’s a good chance they’re picking on other kids, too. Most students in a school are aware of which teachers are the bullies. Ask around among your classmates and see if any of them are willing to go with you to report the problem to an adult who can help. For example, you and some of the other kids could go see the principal or the school counselor as a group, or you could write a letter with some examples of your teacher’s behavior and have your classmates sign it. Getting help or reporting your teacher’s behavior can feel less scary if you’re not doing it alone! Adults at your school might also be more willing to listen if lots of students speak up instead of just one.
Call a help hotline if nobody will listen to you. If you can’t get help from any of the adults around you, or if you’re too scared to talk about what’s happening, there are other ways to get help. Try calling a helpline, such as the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline (1-800-422-4453). You can also text HOME to the crisis text line at 741741 if you’re in the U.S. or Canada. You can reach them at 85258 if you’re in the U.K. or 086 1800 280 in Ireland. A counselor at a helpline can give you advice about how to get help or help you deal with your feelings about the abuse.
Helping Your Child as a Parent
Document any incidents your child tells you about. If you know or suspect that your child is being abused in school, it’s crucial to create a paper trail. Write down as many details as you can about what’s been happening, including the date, time, and the names of any people involved. It can be immensely frustrating to and scary to see your child being bullied by a teacher over a long period of time, but you may need to document the behavior for a while (e.g., a couple of months) in order to demonstrate a pattern of abuse. Schools that ignore or deny documented incidents of abuse put themselves at greater risk of legal liability. Keeping records may cause the administration to take you more seriously—and will also help you build a better case against the school, if it comes to that.
Research local laws on abuse and bullying so you know what violates the law. Different countries, states, and jurisdictions have varying laws and policies about how teachers can treat students in the classroom. If a teacher has been abusing your child, look up local laws as well as your district’s policies on teacher behavior. This will help you point to specific laws or rules that the teacher is breaking if you have to go to the school administration. You can explore laws and regulations about bullying by state on the U.S. government’s Stop Bullying website: https://www.stopbullying.gov/resources/laws.
Look for other parents and kids at the school who can back you up. If a teacher is abusing your child, there’s a chance that other kids in the class have witnessed it or experienced the abuse themselves. Check in with other parents and students in your child’s class to find out what’s going on. This is a good way to gather more evidence and build a support network of other witnesses in case you need to make a formal complaint. For example, you might call up another classroom parent and say, “Hey, has Jordan had any complaints about how Mr. Stone acts in class?” If your child has a playdate with a classmate or you participate in the class carpool, take the opportunity to chat with the other kids about what’s going on. You could casually say, “So, how are you guys liking fourth grade?” or “What’s Mrs. Simmons like?”
Try talking to the teacher if their behavior doesn’t seem too extreme. If you think that there’s a chance that you can reason with your child’s teacher or have a productive discussion about their behavior, try that first. Call or email them and let them know that you have some concerns and would like to have a meeting. Although you might be really angry, avoid being threatening or too confrontational. Explain clearly and calmly what’s your child has been saying—using your child’s words, if possible—and ask for clarification about what’s happening. For example, you might say something like, “Ethan’s been coming home upset from school most days for the past few weeks, and I’m just trying to understand what’s going on. Yesterday, he said that the two of you had a confrontation and that you yelled at him and called him a bad name. I’m hoping we can talk about this and figure out a solution.” Keep in mind that an abusive teacher might deny or minimize your child’s complaints, or twist the truth to make themselves look better. It’s important to take what your child says seriously, especially if it’s been an ongoing pattern.Warning: Skip this step if you’re concerned that the teacher is physically or sexually abusing your child. In a situation where your child is in serious danger, go to an administrator or contact law enforcement immediately.
Approach the school administration with your concerns if necessary. If talking to your child’s teacher doesn’t get you anywhere, or if the abuse is severe, go up the chain of command. For example, try talking to the principal, the school social worker, or the head of your school’s PTA. If that doesn’t work, you can try going to a district-level administrator. Prepare ahead of time before you talk to anyone high up on the chain of command. You’ll have a better case if you can tell them that you tried talking to the teacher first and if you have good documentation of the teacher’s behavior. You can also try getting other parents with similar complaints to go with you. School administrators might be more likely to listen to a group of concerned parents than an individual.
Contact the local press if the school doesn’t take you seriously. When other approaches don’t work, bad press can sometimes force a school to take action. Let the school administration know that you will call a local newspaper or TV station and tell them what’s been happening. You can also take to social media with your story. Make a public post on Facebook or Twitter about what happened, and ask your friends to share it.
Remove your child from the class if the administration won’t take action. In some cases, you might have to have your child transferred to another classroom, or even to a new school. Explain clearly to the principal that you are prepared to withdraw your child if they won’t transfer them to another class. Transferring your child to a new school or classroom can be hard, especially if they have friends in their current classes. However, sometimes it’s the best solution if your child is suffering and the school refuses to take action.
Let your child know that you are there for them. Dealing with an abusive teacher can leave a child feeling powerless, scared, betrayed, or sad. While you’re working on resolving the situation, give them as much emotional support as possible. If they need to talk about it, be there to listen with kindness and compassion. Don’t say things like, “It’s not so bad,” or “Just be positive.” Instead, let your child know that you recognize how difficult their situation is. You could say, “I know this is hard, honey, but we’ll get through it. I’m here for you whenever you need to talk.” It’s always important for children to have a positive and loving home environment, and even more so if they don’t feel safe and supported at school. Spend quality time with your child, do fun and enriching activities with them, and encourage them to spend time with friends and do activities they enjoy. Some kids may feel ashamed or blame themselves for what’s happening. Assure your child that abuse is never okay, and that their teacher’s behavior is not their fault.
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