How to Deal With Your Husband's Jealousy of Your Friendships

Communicating Openly

Accept the need for your friendships. It can be too easy to discard old friendships in favor of your husband. But both partners in a marriage need to continue to cultivate and maintain friendships beyond the one you share together. Friends are an important outlet for confiding in, for boosting your confidence, and for the ability to say things without reprisal. Don't give that up. There always needs to be a balance between your marriage and your outside relationships. If you focus too much on your spouse, you end up getting tunnel vision and isolating yourself from others. A great balance is being able to cultivate relationships with your family and friends.

Explore the balance between your husband and your friends. Think about whether you have been spending more time with your friends than with him. He might be upset because you do have a better relationship with your friends than you do with him and share more of yourself with longtime friends than with your husband. Try to approach the issue from his perspective.

Talk to your husband openly and honestly. He may be feeling threatened by the closeness you seem to experience with your friends. Reassure him that your friends not taking his place but are another source of balance in your life.Ask yourself if anything has changed in your situation. Have you or your husband changed jobs? Have you moved? How is your life different than an earlier time when your husband might not have felt so jealous? Think about how life changes affect both you and your partner. "I know you’ve been feeling upset about all the time I spend with my friends, but you knew I had close friends when you married me. They aren’t you -- they’re just another link to my college years.” "Why do you think you’re getting so upset about the time I spend with my friends? I love to spend time with you, but my time with them is special, too. They have supported me through so much.” "Do you want to come out with me and my buddies and see what we do? I haven’t invited you because I thought you wouldn’t like it, but I’m happy to have you come so you can see you’re not missing out.” Remember—when someone acts possessive, it has a lot more to do with them and their levels of insecurity than it has to do with you.

Discuss the underlying issues. If your husband is newly jealous of you and your friends, you need to find out why. If nothing for you has changed, what is going on in his life that might have caused this? "It never used to bother you when I went out on Thursdays. What happened?” "I’m worried about you being jealous of me going out with my friends. You always told me I should go, but now I feel like you’ve changed your mind. What caused that, do you think?” "I am wondering if you’re upset about this because of losing your job. What can I do to help?” "Is there anything going on with your own friends that might be upsetting you?" No one is born being bad, manipulative, or possessive. All of these things are learned behaviors that develop over time and through lived experience. This doesn't necessarily mean that the way they act has to do with their childhood, but it does have everything to do with their prior experiences and relationships.

Ask your husband for his ideas. If he has given much thought to it, you could discuss it when you’re talking about the jealousy. If not, he might want a few days to come up with some thoughts about how to resolve his discomfort. Make it clear that you are not going to give up your time with friends, you just want to do it in a way that is more acceptable to him as your husband. You could also make some suggestions of changes. While you’re out with your friends, he could go out with his friends and you could meet up at the end of the evening. Ask him to plan a night out or weekend adventure for the two of you to reconnect.

Schedule time with care. Make time to spend with your husband and time to spend with your friends. Make sure that when you and your husband make time for each other, you’re both ready to be free and relaxed. If a friend has an emergency or needs your support during your special time together, talk to your husband and ask him if it is okay if you reschedule your time.

Finding Support

Keep in touch with your friends. Even though your husband is having trouble with your relationship with your friends, don’t let your relationship with them suffer. Refrain from talking too much about your husband and his jealousy of your friendship -- they will certainly be in contact with him in the future, and it could be uncomfortable for everyone. Just explain that you’re trying to figure out a way for you to continue being a good friend and wife and that sometimes it’s complicated.

Talk to a therapist or counselor together if he won’t communicate. If your husband refuses to talk to you about his feelings, it might be time to suggest couples’ counseling. Because it’s a neutral environment with a trained mediator, he might be more inclined to let you know what he’s feeling. Sometimes he might not know what he’s feeling, and talking to a therapist can help. Counseling is definitely a good idea if his behavior is making you anxious, worried, overwhelmed, or isolated.

Discuss your feelings with a therapist or counselor. If your husband refuses to talk to a counselor or therapist with you, it might be a good idea to book an appointment yourself. You need help sorting through your feelings and trying to understand why your husband is acting as he does. Because it’s partly tied to your friendships, this is not a time to talk these issues over with your friends -- you need someone outside the situation.

Recognizing and Dealing With Abuse

Consider whether your husband’s jealousy is about control. Sometimes jealousy can be a sign of a larger issue in your relationship. Ask yourself whether your husband wants you to spend less time with your friends just so that he can keep an eye on you and keep you away from your support network. Does he check up on you all the time? Does he try to limit your access to your family as well? These may be signs of attempts to control you and can be signs of an abusive spouse.

Talk to your husband about your concerns. If he continues to act in the same controlling manner, let him know that you are unwilling to tolerate the behavior. If it becomes necessary, you might need to tell him that you are considering leaving because you don’t feel safe and appreciated in the relationship. Excessive control is a marker of abuse in a relationship -- no one should have to tolerate it. Explain that his words, responses, and/or interactions are uncomfortable, and remind him that you're your own individual. You should be able to move through life without someone telling you what you should and shouldn't do and where you should or shouldn't go.

Prepare to leave if he won’t change. Only he can stop being jealous and controlling. If he refuses to stop his behavior, leaving is often the only choice. It might spur him to get help and attempt to deal with his problem. If he does not deal with the problem, realize that you might need to leave him for good.