How to Get a Narcissist to Respect You

Recognize that you can’t force them to respect you.

Ultimately, only they are responsible for their behavior. Whether they have clinical NPD or are just very self-absorbed, if they struggle to understand where you’re coming from or have empathy for you, a reciprocal relationship based on mutual trust and respect may be very difficult to achieve. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t enforce boundaries with them, but realize that they are the only ones who can change their behavior. Talk therapy may be able to help them develop social and emotional skills over time.

Show them that you’re high value.

Narcissistic people appreciate things or qualities that they want. If they don't think you have value, they may shut you down or blatantly disrespect you. The closest you can get to earning their respect is to show them that you're more capable, more skilled, or more valuable than they are. For instance, they may be drawn to people who have social status, valuable possessions, high-end jobs, or an exceptional appearance. You could remind them that you just got a promotion, or highlight how many followers you have on social media.

Be confident and self-assured.

If they see you as "less than" them, show them they're wrong. They may put you down, but you can let them see that you value yourself, and that's all that matters. Do things that make you feel empowered or repeat kind mantras that help you work through challenges with the narcissist. For instance, you might tell yourself, "I have really great social skills. It's easy for me to talk with others," or, "I have a real gift when it comes to caring for others."

Respect yourself.

Show them the way you expect to be treated. It's easy to start believing what someone who puts you down tells you, but they may be purposely trying to lower your self-esteem to make them feel better about themselves. Stop these feelings of low self-worth by repeating positive mantras like: "I'm in charge of my own life." "I don't need their approval or permission." "I deserve to be treated with respect." "I am worthy of love and kindness."

Treat them with respect.

Rude or disrespectful behavior might be what the person wants. Instead of getting angry and giving the person a taste of their own medicine, rise above the urge. Count to 10, take deep breaths, or visualize something peaceful. Then, speak kindly and use a calm tone. Don't try to upset them; instead, show them the behavior you wish you could see from them. If you're defensive or you try to embarrass them, it could cause more pushback or arguments. If you don't think you can react to the person in a level-headed way, take a break and just don't respond. They might stop trying to upset you.

Keep emotional distance.

Narcissistic people likely won't fulfill your needs, so protect yourself. If you're in a relationship with the person, realize they may not view relationships the same way you do. They may just want someone who makes them feel good about themselves, and may not have much interest in meeting your emotional needs. If this is your partner, acknowledge their limitations and put as much space between you as possible. Then, decide if the relationship is fulfilling your needs. If you're dealing with a narcissistic co-worker or friend, limit how much you confide in them. Better yet, keep the relationship professional or friendly without sharing your deeper feelings. Know that it’s very possible to have a fulfilling relationship with a narcissistic person—it just takes a lot of time and patience, as well as your partner’s willingness to work on themselves.

Maintain your independence.

Keep control of your financial and life choices so you can leave if you need to. If you feel like this person makes every decision or governs your life, don't wait around for their respect. Take steps to put yourself back in control. By making your own decisions, you'll find that you aren't as concerned about earning their respect. For instance, do you have career goals? Maybe it's time to sign up for classes or get some interviews. If you're in a relationship with the person, ensure that you have a separate bank account so you can take care of yourself if need be.

Set boundaries with them.

Express your boundaries so the person knows what behavior you expect. Spend time identifying what you want from the relationship and what behaviors are unacceptable to you. Include consequences, so they know what to expect if they disregard your boundaries. Possible boundaries could be: "I'm going to walk away if you can't stop yelling." "I won't keep talking with you if you keep insulting me or calling me names." "I will not put up with disrespect behind my back. If you have a problem with me, let's talk."

Stand firm when it comes to your needs.

Be willing to stick to your boundaries if the person violates them. Chances are, they'll respect you less if you allow them to disregard your boundaries. Instead, call out their behavior in a calm impersonal way. Then, follow through with the consequence, so the person knows that you demand respect. For instance, they may try to get into an argument or defend their actions, but don't let them. Take a deep breath and walk away so they realize that you're not going to give them what they want.

Spend time around people who do respect you.

Remind yourself that your support system is there for you emotionally. If this person is controlling, they may try to isolate you from your friends or family. Make a point of meeting up with people you trust and love, so you have the care and attention you need. It's natural to feel upset, frustrated, or confused when dealing with a narcissistic person. It might help you to talk with a therapist. They can give you coping and communication tips that can make you feel more empowered in the relationship.

End the relationship if you feel like it’s toxic.

It might be time to end things if the relationship is negatively affecting your health. If your mental health is suffering and you realize your relationship with the person is toxic, prioritize your well-being. This can be especially hard if they're a close friend, relative, or even your spouse, but you deserve to be in healthy, supportive relationships. It's probably time to end the relationship if you feel threatened, manipulated, controlled, or if the conversations are becoming more heated. If you're being emotionally or verbally abused, prioritize your safety—don't hesitate to contact a domestic abuse hotline like 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 911.