Learning How to Communicate More Effectively
Rehearse what you want to say before you say it. There's no way to change your parents' minds if you don't at least attempt to explain your thoughts on the matter. If you believe that your parents are treating your unfairly, you should be prepared to present your case. Before you talk to them, write down exactly what topics you want to cover. Do you want your parents to let you go to the homecoming dance with your friends? Make a list of the best reasons you should be allowed to do so. Do you want to start wearing makeup? Prepare a detailed argument for why you are ready. If you can't come up with any good reasons, don't expect your parents to find your case believable. Choose carefully the words you want to use to open the conversation. Don't start off with an accusation, such as, “Mom, you never let me do anything fun! That needs to change.” Instead, try to say something such as, "Mom, I know you're afraid to let me go into public without you being there, but I'd like to go to a movie with my friends on Friday night. I was wondering if there was anything I could do to earn more freedom." Approach the situation with humility and respect, and your parents will be more likely to listen to what you have to say.
Plan to bargain. It might seem strange to negotiate with your parents, but you need to provide them with some incentive to consider your ideas. Is there anything you can offer to your parents in exchange for them loosening their rules? If they won't allow you to see a movie with your friends on Friday, you could promise to vacuum the house on Saturday if they'll permit to you to go. Think about what tasks your parents hate doing. Could you do them? If so, you might have an excellent bargaining chip. Be ready to negotiate what your punishment should be if you fail to hold up your end of the bargain. If you tell your parents you'll be home at 10:00 p.m., and you come home at 10:45, what should the repercussions be? If you say you'll wash the dishes for a week but stop after three days, how should you be penalized? Come up with some possible punishments before you approach your parents with your offer. Show them that you can take responsibility for your actions. Offer a compromise. If you aren't allowed to go to a movie that starts at 9:30 p.m., maybe you could see the 6:30 p.m. showing instead. If they don't want you to go to a party at a friend's house, promise to text them every 30 minutes. It would be annoying, but at least you're getting a chance to prove yourself. Be careful not to go into this conversation as if it's a negotiation between equals. Ultimately, you're not in control of this situation, and you will have to abide by whatever your parents decide. You don't hold the power in this situation, and you don't want to seem demanding and arrogant. Pick words that will communicate the appropriate tone. Don't say, "Mom, I'll vacuum the house on Saturday morning, but you're going to have to let me go to the movie on Friday night." Instead, you could say "Mom, I'd really like to go to the movie Friday night. I know you hate vacuuming the house, so would you consider letting me go if I promise to do it Saturday morning?" If you can propose to do something that will make their lives easier, you're giving them an incentive to consider your offer.
Stay calm and maintain your composure. If you want to be treated like an adult, you need to be able to communicate like one. Try to approach your parents in a calm and thoughtful manner. Approach them when they are relaxed – perhaps after dinner – and politely tell them that you'd like to talk. Once you have their attention, explain why you feel as if the limits being placed on you are unfair. When your parents offer their reasons for setting limits on you, remain composed and cordial while maintaining your position. If you lose your temper or storm out of the room, you'll just be giving your parents reasons to believe that you're not mature enough to handle more freedom.
Accept the fact that you might not change their minds. Chances are, if your parents have placed heavy restrictions on you, they're not going to immediately change their minds after one conversation. You might have to settle for giving them something to think about later. Remember, you don't have to win this argument to make your point. At this stage, you want your parents to think about what you're saying and to be happy that you could approach them in a considerate manner, even if they don't agree. Be prepared for your parents to react badly. Given that you are questioning their parenting skills, they might even get angry that you had the audacity to confront them. Especially if your parents refuse to budge, you should handle this situation with maturity and poise. In doing so, you might impress them and cause them to question whether they are being too strict.
Earning Your Parents' Trust
Follow the rules. It's natural to test your boundaries when you're a teenager, but breaking your parents' rules isn't going to convince them that you're ready for more responsibility. Even if your parents' rules seem silly or overly restrictive, those rules will likely stay in place or become even stricter if you can't follow them. If you can show them that you respect their rules, they might be more likely to trust you to handle more freedom. Communicate to your parents that you understand that they love you and only want what's best for you. Once your parents see that you appreciate their concern for you, they'll be more likely to listen to your explanations for why you believe you can handle more responsibility. You could say, "I know you only want to keep me safe, but I'm hoping we can figure out a way where I could be safe and still get to do some things with my friends. Can we talk about it?"
Show respect and have a good attitude, even if your parents' rules don't change. Don't be a brooding, angry teen. If you create a tense and angry environment at home, your parents probably won't want to reward your behavior by changing their rules. Be a pleasant and easy-going person, and your parents will be more likely to consider things from your perspective. Don't try to wear your parents down by making their lives miserable. They'll resent you, and you won't respect them when they cave in. It's natural that you'll feel frustrated and angry from time to time. When you do, try to express yourself in a calm and reasonable manner instead of rolling your eyes or stomping out of the room. Don't make sarcastic comments about how their rules are "stupid" or "unfair" or how you wish they'd be more like your friends' parents.
Be persistent. Don't give up the first time your parents refuse to change their rules. Instead, set your mind on proving to them that you can handle more responsibility by keeping their rules and continuing to make well thought-out, careful arguments. Be clear about the fact that you still wish your parents would relax their rules. When your parents won't allow you to do something that you think you should be permitted to do, reassure them that you will follow their rules because you respect them. But also remind them that you still believe you could handle more freedom and that you're trying to earn their trust. While you shouldn't constantly complain about their overprotective behavior, you also shouldn't hide your feelings. Instead, make a plan to revisit the topic once every few weeks. Mark down a date on a calendar, and keep track of the days since the last time you had a serious discussion with your parents. Once you've made progress in being respectful and following their rules, you will have a track record that you can point to in proving that you deserve more freedom. As always, be very tactful in how you approach your parents. For instance, instead of saying "I've done a good job following your rules. Now it's time for you to change them for me," you should say something such as, "I was wondering if we could talk. I've been doing my best to respect your rules, but I still feel as if I'd like to have a little more freedom. Is there anything I can do to earn your trust?"
Don't be secretive. Remember, your parents' worst fear is that you'll put yourself in a dangerous situation where they won't be able to protect you. You don't want to give them reasons to believe that you'll abuse their trust if they allow you to make more of your own decisions. If you go through life hiding things from them, they're only going to assume that you'll also hide your motives from them. If you give your parents the impression that you have a secret life that you don't want them to know about, that will only increase their anxieties about what you'll do once you're away from them. You should try to keep the lines of communication as open as possible. It's not wrong to keep some things private, of course. You're allowed to keep some thoughts to yourself. But you shouldn't give them the impression that you're living one life at home and another when you're away from them.
Don't lie. If you say you're going to the mall after school, don't end up at a friend's house with no explanation. If you say you're going to a friend's house to study for an exam, don't spend the evening watching Netflix at a different friend's house. If your parents can't trust your word, they won't trust you to keep any promises that you make to them. It's hard to argue that you deserve more responsibility if you already struggle to keep the rules that you've been given. Be honest with them. Even if you mess up and do something that you know will make them angry, they'll be happy that you respect them enough to acknowledge your mistake. If you lie and cover it up, they'll expect you to do that in the future, as well.
Changing How You Think About Your Situation.
Talk to a family friend or trusted adult. Emotions run high when you're a teenager, and you might not perceive your situation correctly. As hard as it is to consider, it's possible that your parents are actually treating your fairly and with the right amount of caution. Do you have a trusted aunt, uncle or grandparent with whom you could discuss your situation? Do you think your high school guidance counselor could offer you some advice? If you don't feel like you could talk to other adults because you're afraid they'd end up siding with your parents and agreeing that you currently have the correct limits placed on you, that might indicate that your parents actually are being fair. If that's the case, you need to be honest with yourself.
Keep a journal and write about your feelings toward your parents' rules. You'll feel better after writing down your thoughts without fear of offending anyone, and you'll be able to reread your journal over time to see how well you are following your parents' rules and behaving in a mature manner. Your journal will provide a written history of how you and your parents are negotiating your rules. If you are truly following their guidelines and behaving as they want you to, you will be able to show them that you've kept your word. This will allow you to produce evidence for your argument and help you prove that they can trust you with more freedom.
Think about the rules from your parents' perspective. Consider why the rules are in place and what your parents believe those rules are accomplishing.< If you had a teenaged daughter, would you allow her to go to a party at a friend's house with no adults around? Would you allow your 14-year-old daughter to go on dates with no adult supervision? Your parents were once the age you are now, and it's very possible that they got away with behavior that they don't want you to repeat. If you can't see any reason for the rules, ask your parents to explain them. For instance, you could say, "I know you want to keep me safe, but I was wondering why you think allowing me to go to a movie on a Friday night would be putting me in a dangerous situation." They might have reasons that they've never mentioned to you or that you haven't considered, and you might be able to ease some of their fears. For example, if you want to attend a movie with a group of friends but your parents are afraid someone might pose a threat to you, you could say "I understand your fears, but I would be with a group of girls my age, and we'd be in public the whole time. If anyone was threatening us, we'd call for help and leave that situation." Remember that your parents have a reason for their rules. Even if their rules seem unreasonable, your parents put them in place because they want to protect you, and the reason they want to protect you is because they love you. Someday you might thank them for it.
Don't forget that this situation is only temporary. You'll be out on your own eventually, and you'll be free to get a job, get a place of your own and make your own rules. Even if your parents' are placing ridiculous limitations on your behavior, you will be an adult soon. If you have no choice but to suffer through this period of your life, you can use this time as an opportunity to learn discipline and patience.
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