Taking Time Apart
Give your ex-girlfriend space, and respect her decisions. As difficult as it is to see your ex with another partner, you need to respect her personal boundaries. Give her space and take some time to build your confidence, make personal changes related to your breakup, and gain a fresh perspective. The best ways to show that you truly care about her are to respect her choices and to allow her to find happiness. For now, that might not be with you. In time, you might both be in a position to rekindle your romance. It’s best not to try to get back together if she’s seeing someone else. However, even if you don’t want to wait until she’s single, you should still take time to build your confidence and clear your mind.
Assess the reasons for your breakup. Think about the events leading up to the breakup, and try to objectively evaluate what caused it. Reflecting on the breakup can help you identify the changes you might need to make to rebuild the relationship. Alternatively, you might realize that you broke up for a good reason and that, despite the pain, it’s for the best. Ask yourself, “Were there any warning signs? Did we seem to grow apart over time, or was the breakup sudden? What role did I play, and what changes can I make so we wouldn't fall into the same pattern if we got back together?” Additionally, be honest with yourself about your compatibility with her. Upon reflection, you might find that fundamental differences between you and your ex led to the breakup. For instance, she might not want children, but that’s a deal breaker for you.
Make a list of things you need to improve. If you want to win your ex back, you’ll need to show how you’ve addressed the ways that you contributed to the breakup. Even if you aren’t able to rekindle the relationship, making personal changes can help you be a better partner in future relationships. Holding yourself accountable doesn’t necessarily mean you’re entirely responsible for the breakup. Don’t look for ways to blame yourself or dwell on what you could have done. Just focus on finding opportunities to become a more fulfilled person. For example, perhaps you prioritized work over your ex-girlfriend. Meaningful changes might include pursuing interests unrelated to work and taking better care of your physical and mental health. If you cheated on her, seeing a counselor to explore the underlying reasons you were unfaithful could show that you’re serious about self-improvement.
Pursue activities and goals that will build your self-esteem. You’ll have a better shot at winning back your ex if you approach her from a confident position. She’s more likely to respond positively if you’re feeling good about yourself than if you desperately plead and beg. Building your self-esteem is also great for your overall well-being and can help you cope with the breakup. For instance, activities like running or cycling can improve your physical and mental health. Outdoing your best times and distances can also build your confidence. Clubs and classes related to your interests can help you become more social. Meeting new people can also give you a fresh, more optimistic perspective. Professional accomplishments can enhance your self-esteem, so try to pursue goals at work or school.
Try casually dating other people, but be honest about your situation. Going on dates can help you realize that there are other fish in the sea. If you're more optimistic, you might have a clearer understanding of whether you truly want to reignite your relationship with your ex. Let your dates know in advance that you’re just seeing people casually and just went through a breakup. You wouldn’t want to string someone along and make them think you’re open to a serious relationship.
Ask yourself why you want to get back together with your ex. As you work on gaining a better perspective, assess why you want your ex back. Try to figure out whether these reasons are consistent, or if they diminish as you heal from the breakup. Try writing in a journal about your progress, and read back your entries over the following weeks. Ask yourself, “Do I still want to try to fix things, even after gaining a broader perspective? Is it possible that I wanted her back because of my grief, or because I wanted to hold onto a sense of comfort?” Breakups are tough, and missing someone doesn’t always mean you should get back together. Before trying to rekindle your relationship, be honest with yourself, and try to figure out if you and your ex are truly right for each other. It can be hard to look at a relationship objectively after a painful breakup. If you’re not sure you’re thinking clearly about the relationship, ask a close friend or relative for feedback.
Rekindling the Relationship
Approach her after you’ve cleared your mind and made some changes. Confidence is attractive, and you probably won't have much luck if you desperately beg or plead. Instead, get in touch with her when you’re feeling good about yourself and your place in life. Additionally, if your ex is going to give any consideration to working it out, she needs to know that you’re serious about fixing things. You need to show her that you’re holding yourself accountable for your end of the breakup, and that takes time. For instance, if you broke up because she thought you were irresponsible, try to win her back after you can show that you’re working on your shortcomings. You might have gotten a better job, paid off some debt, or started keeping your house cleaner.
Ask her to meet for a coffee or tea. While you can call or text to let her know you’d like to meet, you should wait to express your feelings until you can meet face-to-face. A casual, relaxed setting can help put you both at ease, so meet up at a coffee shop, grab a tea, or take a stroll around a quiet park. Try to be friendly, casual, and lighthearted when you ask her to meet. You could say, “Hey, I hope all is well! You’ve been on my mind lately, and I was hoping we could talk. I understand if your first response is to say ‘No way,’ but I’d really appreciate it if we could grab a coffee and chat.” If you’re old enough to drink alcohol, avoid meeting for cocktails. You might feel like alcohol will help you calm down, but it's best to stay sharp and focused. If she doesn’t want to meet, accept that you can’t force her to do something she doesn’t want to do. Respect her choice, and try to move forward.
Look your best when you see her. You want her to find you attractive, so show up well-groomed and well-dressed. Take a shower, make sure you smell nice, and wear neat clothes instead of showing up unwashed, with messy hair, and in sweatpants. Choose clothes and hygiene products that you know she finds attractive. Maybe you had an outfit that she always complimented, or a cologne or perfume that she loved. Looking your best can show her that you’re confident, in a good state of mind, and are taking care of yourself.
Start by apologizing for your wrongdoings. Say specifically what you’re sorry for, and don’t make excuses or say things like, “I’m sorry that you feel this way”. Acknowledge where you went wrong using sincere language, and don’t make a joke of it. For instance, you might say, “I am so sorry that I blew you off for work and put my own ambitions ahead of your needs. I didn’t give you the respect you deserve, and I took you for granted.” Focus on holding yourself accountable instead of pointing out ways that she went wrong. She might follow your lead and apologize for her own shortcomings, but don't force the issue. If you think she’s entirely to blame and you have nothing to apologize for, trying to get back together might not be a good idea.
Show her how you’ve changed, instead of making empty promises. In addition to acknowledging where you went wrong, you need to demonstrate that you’re moving in the right direction. Explain how you’ve made changes and that you’re committed to continuing to improve yourself. If she’s still in a relationship, try saying, “We had problems when we were together, but I’ve made concrete changes. I respect your choices, and I understand if Sam makes you happy. However, I believe we’re right for each other, and I hope you’ll consider trying to make it work with me.” Additionally, flowers or chocolates might help later on but, especially at this early stage, self-improvement is more important than gifts. You don’t want her to think you're just trying to buy her affection.
Let her know you want to embark on a new relationship. After demonstrating your commitment to change, explain that you’re serious about not falling into the same patterns. Emphasize that you want to build a new relationship. Empty promises won’t get you anywhere, so it’s essential that you’ve actually made improvements. For instance, say, “I’ve had time to realize how irresponsible I was. You deserve someone who has a better handle on things, and I want to be that person for my own good and for you. I’ve made some real progress, and I’m dedicated to staying on track.”
Renew your relationship slowly. If she responds positively, let her know that you want to move slowly so history doesn't repeat itself. Instead of picking up where you left off before the breakup, build a friendship, go on dates, and work on fixing the issues that divided you. There’s no set time, but it might take several weeks or months to work out your differences. Proceeding slowly and gradually is better in the long run, and will help you build a stable foundation for round 2 of your relationship.
Get help moving forward from a couples therapist. A couples counselor is especially helpful if you’re working through a divorce or separation, have children, or are dealing with significant breaches of trust, such as infidelity. A professional can offer an objective perspective and help you overcome underlying issues in your relationship.
Accepting the End of the Relationship
Allow yourself to grieve instead of rushing the healing process. If you tried to rekindle the relationship without success, you have, in a way, experienced 2 breakups. Give yourself permission to feel sadness, anger, and frustration. It might be painful, but things will get better in time. It’s okay to take some time to cry and wallow. Expressing your grief is part of the healing process, so let it happen. It might take weeks or months but, little by little, you’ll begin to move forward.
Lean on your trusted friends and relatives. Venting your emotions to your loved ones can help you recover. Call a loved one to get your feelings off of your chest, or hang out with friends and family to get your mind off of things. Call a loved one and say, “I’m having a hard time getting over Jane. I really thought we could work it out, and I don’t see why she won’t try to fix things. Do you have time to meet up or come over? I could really use a friend right now.”
Stay active by exercising and taking up hobbies. Exercise is a key part of self-care, and it’s important to keep up your physical and mental health during the grieving process. Additionally, exercise releases hormones that help improve your mood, and it might help you vent emotions like sadness or anger. Go for a run or bike ride after work or school, swim laps, or join a gym. Group exercise programs and yoga or martial arts classes are also great ways to stay social.
Challenge yourself to stop fantasizing about the relationship. If you tried without success to patch things up, continuing to hold onto hope will just worsen the pain. As difficult as it is, acknowledge that the relationship is over and that it’s time to move on with your life. It’s perfectly normal to still love your ex, even if you have to accept that she doesn’t want to be with you. Do your best to maintain a positive mindset and wish her happiness, even if it’s not with you.
Seize the opportunity to build resilience. You’ve gone through one of the hardest breakup situations out there. Think to yourself, “Well, if I can get through this, I can get through anything.” With each passing week, you’ll feel a little better, and the experience will make you a stronger person and better partner in future relationships.
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