Evaluating Interactions
Think about how often you're criticized. Everyone has areas they need to improve upon. You may have bad habits that annoy your partner. However, there's a difference between expressing irritation and being outright critical. An overly critical, even mean, partner is a sign you're not in a good relationship. Does your partner frequently put you down? Are you mocked for your intelligence, personality, or physical appearance? Do you feel like you can't do anything right? Your partner may, for example, say something like, "God, I knew you'd screw that up. You're so bad at these things" when you get directions wrong. You may hear these comments a lot throughout the day.
Consider who you turn to for emotional support. In a healthy relationship, you should be able to feel like you can lean on the other person for emotional support. In an unhealthy relationship, however, the other person may be cold or uncaring to your needs. When you've had a bad day, think about who you would call. You may feel comfortable going to your partner first. He or she may always know what to say or do to make you feel better. However, your first inclination may be to reach out to someone else. You may, for example, find yourself leaning more frequently on a friend or family member. Your partner may be dismissive of your problems, or treat you like a burden. If you're hesitant to ask your partner for emotional support, you may be in a bad relationship.
Evaluate the level of trust. Do you feel like you can trust your partner? If not, the relationship may be bad. Has your partner struggled in the past with something like infidelity? Did your partner cross other boundaries, like borrowing money and not returning it? If you don't feel like you can trust your partner, you may be in a bad relationship. For example, you may not trust your partner to handle expenses. If they borrow money from you, you may distrust whether you'll ever get the money back. You may also not trust your partner's loyalty. You may be suspicious of whether or not they will be faithful. They may have had issues with fidelity in the past.
Be honest about whether you feel controlled. In a healthy relationship, your partner will want you to have your own life and independent interests. In a bad relationship, your partner will constantly seek control. Be honest with yourself. Do you feel like your partner attempts to control you? Control can come in many forms. Your partner may dictate how you dress and act or may try to control how you spend your time. Your partner may dislike it when you spend time engaging in hobbies or going out with friends. A controlling partner will want you all to themselves. If you spend an evening reading, for example, your partner may berate you later. He or she may say something like, "You know, you worked all day and then you just read all night. I'm not sure why you need to read when you could have spent some time with me."
Recognize how much support you receive. Do you feel like your partner is excited for your successes? Do they seem indifferent, or even hostile, when good things happen to you? In a negative relationship, your partner will be threatened by your success instead of happy for you. They will see your dreams, goals, and aspirations as competition for their attention. Your partner may put down your attempts to grow and change. Instead of encouraging you, your partner has only negative things to say about you taking steps towards a more successful future. For example, say you're an aspiring writer. You join a book club to meet more writers in your area. Your partner says something like, "You know, it's really petty of you to try and impress other writers. You should rely on the quality of your work and not what important friends you have."
Watch for manipulative behaviors. If you are in a bad relationship, then there may be some manipulation going on. This is when someone does things to try to get you to do what they want or vice versa. Some common manipulative behaviors include: Giving you the silent treatment or pretending not to know what you are talking about. Trying to overwhelm you with facts and statistics. Yelling or screaming at you or talking over you. Pressuring you to make decisions without letting you think about them. Ridiculing you or belittling you. Judging you or criticizing you. Blaming you for their unhappiness or for other problems.
Considering Your Feelings
Evaluate your own sense of identity. In a healthy relationship, you and your partner have separate identities. You may have different friends groups and different interests. You should be able to retain your own relationships, hobbies, and interests in a healthy relationship. In a bad relationship, your partner will be threatened or angered by this. They may insist on doing hobbies with you, even hobbies you would rather do alone. They may discourage you from seeing friends they don't like, or talking too much to your family. If you're beginning to feel your identity is entirely wrapped up in your partner, this is a problem. In a bad relationship, you end up losing your sense of self.
Check on your own energy levels. How do you feel when you spend time with your partner? Does their drama tend to affect you personally? Do you leave their place feeling drained rather than energized? In a healthy relationship, you and your partner should bring one another up. You should feel happy and energetic around your partner. If the reverse is true, you may be in a bad relationship.
Monitor your sense of guilt. In a bad relationship, you'll be made to feel guilty frequently. You may feel like your partner's unhappiness or outbursts are your fault. Be honest with yourself. How often do you feel guilty in this relationship? Do you feel you need to stay due to guilt? Does your partner rely on you to the point you feel you're taking care of them? If guilt is a major emotion in your relationship, it may be a bad sign. If you're staying because your partner makes you feel guilty for not being around, this is probably a bad relationship.
Be realistic about the future. Can you really see a future with this person? Some relationships are not made to last. It's okay if you're casually dating someone you don't want a serious future with. However, if this is a serious relationship, you want to consider the future. Do you think this person would be a good parent? If you want kids, and you worry about this person's competency as a mother or father, you may be in a bad relationship. Think long and hard about the type of life you want. Is this person compatible with that life? If not, this may not be a good relationship to pursue.
Meditate on your feelings during good times. In a bad relationship, you may not enjoy the good times. Even when things are going well, and you should be having fun, you're on edge. This is often because your partner is easy to set off, and you're worried they will start drama at any moment. For example, you go out to brunch with friends. Your partner complains about the menu for a moment, starts to get hostile, but calms down. The rest of brunch is fine and everyone seems to be having fun. Even though everything is fine, you're worried. You keep thinking about the issue with the menu. You can't enjoy the good time, because there's part of you that's worried the issue will resurface later.
Decide if you feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable with your partner is an important part of a good relationship. If you do not trust your partner enough to share your personal thoughts and feelings with them, then it might not be a good relationship. For example, if you withhold information about your hopes, fears, and dreams because you do not trust your partner to be kind and understanding, then you might be in a bad relationship.
Leaving a Negative Relationship
End things clearly. You do not want to end a bad relationship ambiguously. If you make the decision to end things, do so face-to-face. Tell your partner you want out of the relationship, leaving no room for confusion. Say something direct like, "I don't think we should see each other romantically anymore." Then, let your partner know what boundaries you need. For example, can you remain friends? If so, will you need space initially? Make it clear how much contact you want. Can you stay friends on social media? Can you still text on occasion? These are all things you need to decide moving forward.
Identify why you were drawn to the relationship. If you have had bad relationship before, this is particularly important. For you, are there any perks to bad relationships? Is there a reason you're habitually drawn to the wrong people? A bad relationship may fill a void in your life. For example, maybe your mother was distant. You unconsciously seek out people like your mother, but find they are just as distant and difficult. Try to identify any underlying needs that are being fulfilled by bad relationship. Work on getting away from these kinds of romances in the future.
Seek out support. When ending a bad relationship, you'll be left vulnerable. Seek the support of loved ones. Reach out to friends and family members. Let them know you're going through a rough patch and would appreciate some support. Call friends when you're having a bad day. You can also send out text messages asking for support. People who care about you will be willing to help you cope with your emotions. It can be hard to ask for support, but just start with a simple request. For example, "Hey, I'm really struggling with this breakup. Mind if I vent to you?"
Make a plan to stay out of the relationship. Many people often go back to bad relationships. You may feel a sense of comfort and safety from a relationship, even a bad one. Have an action plan in place. If you feel tempted to, say, call or text your ex, think of something to do instead. You could call a friend, watch television, go for a walk, or engage in a hobby. Figure out many ways to keep busy. Fill your life with distractions from a bad relationship so you won't be tempted to go back.
Comments
0 comment