Making Time for Each Other
Make time for romance. Though “date night” may sound forced, you and your special someone should aim to have a date night at least once a week, if not more often. You don’t have to call it “date night” if that sounds too cheesy, but you should make a goal to spend some quality time together without anyone else around at least one night a week. You can do this same thing during date night, such as cooking dinner together and then going to the movies, or spice it up and do something new every time. If you’re staying in, maintain a romantic atmosphere by lighting some candles and playing some soft music. Whatever you do, make sure you have time to really talk during your special time together. You won’t be able to talk much if you’re just going to a loud concert together. Learn to say no to others during “date night.” Your girlfriends may be begging you to come out to the bars, but if you’ve scheduled a date night, tell them you can’t make it and make plans for next week. Things will break down if “date night” is the thing you’re always willing to give up. You should always look nice, tell each other how much you love each other, and compliment each other throughout the night.
Make love at least once a week. You don’t have to plug this into your calendar, and hopefully you won’t have to, but you should make a conscious effort to make love at least one a week, no matter how tired you feel after work, or how much you have going on that week. Making love is a way to maintain your intimacy and to grow closer to your partner. You should also spend some time just cuddling and kissing each other, so you don’t feel like you’re just checking “sex” off of your to-do list.
Make time to talk. Though your schedules may get crazy, you need to make a concerted effort to talk to each other every day, no matter how much work you have to do. You can set aside time to talk during dinner, or to talk over the phone if your loved one is away. Make a habit of knowing what your loved one’s day was like. Though you don’t have to bore each other with every little detail of your lives, you should become comfortable with each other’s routines. If you’re spending a week apart, set aside at least fifteen minutes a day to catch up and to remind your loved one how much you love and miss him. When you do talk, there should be no distractions. You’re not really talking if you’re also watching the game or checking your phones.
Maintaining Strong Communication
Be honest with each other. Honesty is the key to any long-lasting relationship. To keep your relationship strong, you should be able to be open and honest with your special someone. You should be able to share your most intimate thoughts and feelings with your loved one, or you’re not really communicating. Don’t be afraid to tell your loved one if they disappointed you. Being honest about your feelings will help you work through the problem, and is far better than being passive aggressive if you’re upset about something. Share your feelings with your loved one. If you’re really upset about something that happened at work or something your mother said, then don’t keep it all inside. Know when not to say something. Though honesty is almost always the best policy, you don’t have to share every little feeling with your loved one. For example, if you don’t like his new shirt or think one of his new friends is kind of annoying, you may want to keep it to yourself. Time your honesty. If you want to open up about something important, make sure you do it when your loved one has time to talk and is relatively unstressed. Your news will be better received if he has time to listen.
Learn to compromise. In any strong relationship, being happy should be more important than being right. If you want your relationship to last, then you should learn how to make decisions with your loved one, and to find a way for both of you to be happy with the decisions, or to take turns giving in to each other. Here’s how to do it: When you’re making a decision, have your loved one rate how important it is to him on a scale of 1 to 10, and then state how important it is to you. Then talk about why it’s so important to both of you, and what you can do to make it matter less. Be thoughtful. When the two of you are making a decision, take the time to discuss the pros and cons and what you can do to meet halfway. Take turns giving in on small decisions. If you picked the restaurant for date night, let your girl pick the movie. Make sure both people are compromising. It’s not a compromise if your girl is always giving in to what you want in the end because you’re more persistent.
Learn to say you’re sorry. This is an important point. If you want to be in a long-lasting relationship, then you absolutely have to learn how to say you’re sorry from time to time. When it comes to a relationship, admitting you’re sorry is much more important than being stubborn. Learn to apologize if you’ve done something wrong. It may take you some time to realize that you made a mistake, but once you do, say that you’re sorry for what you’ve done. Make sure you mean it. Be sincere and make eye contact. It won’t mean anything if you’re just saying you’re sorry because you have to. Learn to accept your loved one’s apology. If he truly means it, then you should stop sticking to your guns, accept the apology, and move on.
Tell your loved one how much he means to you. Don’t ever forget to say “I love you” and take your feelings for granted. You should tell your loved one that you love him every single day—multiple times a day, if you can. Remember that there’s a difference between “love you” and “I love you”—you should really mean it when you say it. Always compliment your loved one. Tell her how great she looks in her new dress or how much you love her smile. Always thank your loved one. Don’t take his/her favors and kind actions for granted. Always tell your loved one how special he/she is. Don’t ever forget to make him feel unique.
Keeping Moving Forward
Find new interests to pursue together. A relationship is like a shark—if it doesn’t move forward, it dies. You should find ways of keeping your relationship fresh so your love doesn’t become just a part of your routine. One way of doing this is to find new interests that you can pursue together, so you have something to be excited about as well as a shared passion. Take a weekly dance class together. This will give you some great exercise and will increase your passion for each other. Find a new hobby together. Try taking a painting or ceramics class, or find a new love for sailing. Take a class together. Try learning a new language or taking a history class together. Train for a race together. This is a great way to get closer, whether you’re training for a 5K or a marathon. Do anything out of your comfort zones. Try hiking, mountain biking, or even ice skating. Doing something completely unfamiliar will bring you closer together. EXPERT TIP Chloe Carmichael, PhD Chloe Carmichael, PhD Licensed Clinical Psychologist Chloe Carmichael, PhD is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist who runs a private practice in New York City. With over a decade of psychological consulting experience, Dr. Chloe specializes in relationship issues, stress management, self esteem, and career coaching. She has also instructed undergraduate courses at Long Island University and has served as adjunct faculty at the City University of New York. Dr. Chloe completed her PhD in Clinical Psychology at Long Island University in Brooklyn, New York and her clinical training at Lenox Hill Hospital and Kings County Hospital. She is accredited by the American Psychological Association and is the author of “Nervous Energy: Harness the Power of Your Anxiety” and “Dr. Chloe's 10 Commandments of Dating.” Chloe Carmichael, PhD Chloe Carmichael, PhD Licensed Clinical Psychologist Opposites may attract initially, but can face unique challenges. The adage about complementary opposites holds insight; differences draw interest, while similarities cement bonds. Contrasting personality strengths can mutually fill gaps, making partners feel well-rounded and complete. But without work to bridge divisions, communication gaps or misalignments in lifestyle may emerge over time. Addressing differences with empathy and compromise enables a couple to celebrate each person’s unique value.
Keep it fresh in the bedroom. If you want to maintain a healthy relationship, then you have to maintain a healthy sex life. Though your lovemaking may not be what it was in the beginning after five years together, you should still try new things in the bedroom so you’re still excited about making love with your partner and that everything you do still feels like an adventure. Make love in new positions. Don’t do the same old thing you’ve been doing, even if it works. You can even look up new positions together, which will be great for foreplay. Make love in new places. Don’t always go for the bedroom—try the couch, the kitchen table, or even check in to a hotel in the middle of the day. Try going to a sex store to pick up some kinky items to bring into bed.
Take trip to a new place together. Though a vacation isn’t a good long-term solution to any relationship problems, taking a trip together can help take you out of your same old perspective and appreciate your love in a new way. Plus, planning a trip together will give you something new to look forward to. Plan the trip you’ve always wanted to take. If you’ve both been talking about going to Paris together for the last seven years and you have the funds for it, it’s time to make your dreams a reality. Take a short day trip. Even driving an hour out to spend a day in the woods or the beach can make your relationship feel fresher. Take a second honeymoon. If you’re already married and had a honeymoon, take another honeymoon to commemorate your love.
Making Tolerance Second Nature
Understand contextual behavior. Chances are that along with chemistry, you met your partner at a time that was conducive to your union. You may have been young with a strong sex drive, on a holiday, or shared a strong emotional experience together. This is an example of a positive contextual influence that improved your relationship.
Accept contextual behavior. Accept the fact that negative contextual influences are unavoidable. When a person goes through a stressful period, a period of ill health, professional failure, or has other sources of anxiety then he or she could act in a way that is not consistent with the behavior of the person you know and love.
Identify contextual behavior. If your partner is unsympathetic with you in a testing time, such as just following labor, being fired at work, or after a death in the family, then consider that it maybe not be him or her, but the situation that produces those words. Treat contextual influences like the weather. There is nothing you can do about them, other than to tolerate them.
Forgive contextual behavior. Forget and forgive a person's behavior in difficult times. The human mind naturally favors negative experiences over positive ones. Grudges for what your partner said carelessly add up over time, and are a sure way of making a relationship sour. Differentiating contextual behavior from personal behavior is an art that can help create healthy, lifelong relationships.
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