How to Respond to Someone Who Is Projecting

What is projection?

Projection describes when someone attributes something in themselves to another person. People project when they don't want to acknowledge their flaws, insecurities, or feelings. Instead of working on themselves, they attribute these traits to other people. Projecting is an unconscious coping mechanism, so the person who is projecting might not even be aware that they're doing it. Though projecting is common, it can hurt people and damage relationships. If someone is repressing romantic feelings for someone else while they're in a relationship, they may accuse their partner of the doing same thing. They might lash out with something like, "You're cheating on me!" or "I know you like him." If someone is insecure about their career, they may accuse their friend of having a lackluster job. They might say, "You've been working at that job for years. Your career is going nowhere."

How to Deal with Someone Who Is Projecting

Set firm boundaries. When someone projects and accuses you of something untrue, kindly let them know that you don't agree. If they are lashing out, you might also let them know that you don't like to be spoken to that way. This will encourage the person to be accountable for their own behavior and may stop their protection in its tracks. It will also help you avoid taking what they're saying to heart and internalizing any unkind words. You might say, "I don't agree with that" or "That's not how I see it." If they're being unkind or lashing out, you could try, "I don't like being spoken to that way" or "I understand that you're upset, but I don't feel comfortable with the way you're speaking to me." Avoid defending yourself or believing what this person has said to you. Accepting their words as fact or jumping to prove them wrong might encourage them to keep projecting.

Cultivate self-awareness. You might be tempted to believe what this person is saying about you, especially if you trust or value their opinion. To counteract this, reflect on your actual behavior (not simply what this person is accusing you of). If this person is really projecting, you'll likely find that what they're saying isn't based in reality. Perhaps your parent is accusing you of being a failure. Look within yourself and remember all of your accomplishments. You might think to yourself, "I work hard and support my family. There's no way I could be a failure." Maybe your partner is accusing you of never being there for them. If you don't agree with this, think about all the ways you support your partner. You might think, "I cooked dinner and asked him how he was doing just 5 minutes ago."

Remind yourself that the behavior has nothing to do with you. When someone projects, you might feel hurt, confused, or angered by their behavior. This is completely understandable, but try your best not to take it personally. Remember that this person's projection is a reflection of how they see themselves (not you). It may help to repeat a reminder in your head when this person starts projecting. Try, "I didn't do anything wrong" or "They are projecting right now, and this has nothing to do with me."

Disengage from the conversation if they continue to project. If someone is stuck in this mindset, they may be unwilling to stop lashing out or talking down to you in that moment. If that's the case, you have every right to respectfully leave the conversation. This can help you protect yourself from any unkind behavior. It also shows this person that you intend to stick to your boundaries. You might say, "I'm sorry you're feeling this way, but I don't think I can continue this conversation" or "I don't think we're going to see eye to eye on this. I don't feel comfortable discussing this anymore."

Accept that this person might not change until they work on themselves. People who project might continue to do so until they commit to doing some internal work. People who regularly project might even be struggling with their mental health. Personality disorders, like Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder, can make someone more likely to project. People with these disorders may need support from a therapist to work on their behavior. Someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder might blame you for their own flaws. People with N.P.D. often feel an intense amount of guilt, shame, and insecurity. Instead of dealing this, they might try to make you feel that way. A person with Borderline Personality Disorder often struggles with a deep fear of abandonment. They may accuse you of wanting to leave them, even when you have no intention of doing that.

What to Do if You're Projecting

Work on your self-awareness to catch when you're projecting. It might be tough to admit your flaws or think about difficult subjects, but it's necessary so that you can heal and avoid lashing out at other people. Try to acknowledge your thoughts, insecurities, and shortcomings honestly. Then, take steps to work on them going forward so that you don't project these qualities onto coworkers, friends, and loved ones. Perhaps you can't stand one of your colleagues. Ask yourself why you're so upset by their behavior. You might find that they possess a flaw that you don't like about yourself. Maybe you're worried that your partner has lost their feelings for you. Before confronting them, look within yourself and think about how you feel about your partner. Have you recently been experiencing wavering feelings yourself? Ask yourself how you might make some positive changes going forward. If you frequently worry that people don't like you, for example, try to develop your self-esteem and boost your confidence.

Practice mindfulness. Mindfulness is a way to slow down your thought process so that you don't react immediately. Anytime you feel a strong emotion arise, especially regarding someone else's behavior, take a moment to acknowledge what you're feeling. Ask yourself where this feeling might be coming from and if there might be anything else influencing your thoughts. This will help you avoid lashing out at someone about something that has little to do with them. If you're suddenly overcome with insecurity and fear that your partner is going to leave you, take a moment to think about your feelings. You might ask yourself, "Is there anything my partner actually did to make me feel this way?" To practice mindfulness, sit comfortably in a chair with your feet on the ground, inhaling for 5 counts and exhaling for 5 counts. Focus only on your breathing, and start paying close attention to your senses (sight, sound, smell, touch, and taste). After reviewing all 5 senses, bring yourself back to your breath and just being aware.

Talk to a counselor or therapist if the problem persists. Getting help from a mental health professional is nothing to be ashamed of. If you struggle with projection and it's affecting your relationships, a therapist or counselor can give you some extra tools to help you manage your emotions more effectively. If you're interested, get a referral from your doctor or look online for a mental health professional in your area. If you're not able to afford a therapist or counselor right now, journaling might give you insight into your thoughts and help you avoid projecting.