How to Start a Conversation with Your Girlfriend

Starting Daily Conversations

Choose a time to talk without interruptions or distractions. Take some time every day to have a conversation with your girlfriend. Whether you have a phone or face-to-face conversation, try to find a daily time to dedicate your full attention to each other. Avoid checking your phone, surfing the web, or watching television when having a conversation with your girlfriend. Keep in mind distractions aren’t only technological. For example, if either of you need time to zone out after school or work, give each other some space before starting an extended conversation.

Ask open-ended questions about her day’s small details. Avoid questions that call for simple yes or no answers. Ask her about her day, and try to show your sincere interest in learning about her life’s little details. Ask her things like, “What did you do at work (or school) today? How did your presentation go? What’s the most unique thing that happened to you today?” Learning small, even trivial details about someone lays the foundation of an intimate connection. Asking your girlfriend about her job can be a great way to start a conversation. People usually enjoy talking (or venting) about work.

Try not to come off as insincere or intrusive. Try to let your curiosity carry the conversation instead of just asking questions about things that you already know. Further, asking detailed questions doesn’t have to come off as nosy or intrusive. Don’t ask her questions in a way that seems rehearsed or paranoid. Make your intentions clear if she seems annoyed or asks, “Why do you want to know?” Say, “I’m not checking up on you or trying to nag, I just want to learn more about you.”

Respond with clear interest or support. Make eye contact and nod to show you’re listening with interest. When she talks about something or asks you a question, don’t respond with something like “Uh-huh,” or “Yeah whatever.” Listen to what she says, ask a follow-up question, tell her you support a decision she made, or share something about yourself that conveys you relate to her point. Expressing your interest and support, or “turning toward” your girlfriend, is crucial to maintaining a good relationship.

Share details about your experiences. Keep the conversation balanced by talking about yourself, too. Try not to deliberately change the subject when you talk about yourself, but show her that you can identity with her experiences. Bringing up a relevant experience you shared together is a great way to strengthen your conversation. For example, if she says something negative, like that she got splashed by a car while walking down a sidewalk, you could say, “Oh man, I’m sorry, babe. Remember when we got caught in that downpour the first time we walked to the park in your neighborhood? We got so soaked, but I always laugh whenever I think about us holding hands and running to get out of the rain!”

Be supportive of your girlfriend. If she talks about topics that are emotionally charged, make sure to be supportive of her and any difficult things that she brings up. For example, if she tells you about a fight she had with her best friend, then listen to her and let her know you are there for her. Try saying something like, “That’s awful! I am sorry you had to go through that. What can I do to help?”

Having Deep Conversations

Warm up with small talk. Starting a meaningful talk with forced conversation starters is awkward and could make your girlfriend feel like you’re putting her on the spot. Try to engage her in small talk, and let the conversation naturally progress into deeper topics. For example, you might start off by just talking about your days at school or work. You could then go deeper by asking her, “If you could change anything about your day, what would it be?”

Ask her about her dreams and future plans. Getting to know how your girlfriend thinks about the future will help you both get a feel for your relationship’s longevity. Early on in a relationship, understanding her hopes and dreams will help you get to know her better. As your relationship matures, knowing each other’s future plans will help you decide if you’re compatible in the long run. Ask her things like, “Where do you see yourself in five years? What’s your dream job? Do you want a family someday? How many kids do you see yourself having?” Think about your own answers to these questions, and share them openly and honestly with your girlfriend. Don’t interrogate her. Try to keep the conversation two-sided and be willing to share answers to your own questions as well.

Talk about your relationship. Have regular conversations about your relationship and share your respective feelings about its status. Start conversations by asking your girlfriend questions about how your relationship has progressed over time. Ask each other, “What was the first thing that convinced you we should start dating? What are the biggest changes in me that you’ve noticed since we started dating? What are my strengths and weaknesses as a partner? Where can I improve?”

Keep the tone calm when you discuss your relationship. Try to keep a detached, calm tone when conversations about your relationship get deep. If you identify areas where you can both be better partners, keep an open mind and don’t take things personally. Focus on building a stronger relationship instead of criticizing each other. If you want to tell your girlfriend about something she does that bothers you say, "Please don't think I'm just being critical for the sake of it. I care about you and our relationship, and I just want us build the best partnership possible." If your girlfriend lets you know about something you can work on, take responsibility for it and, if necessary, ask for more information about how can you be a better partner.

Use your body language to convey your interest. Maintaining eye contact and nodding at appropriate moments are basic and essential ways of conveying your interest and attention. Try to keep your body relaxed, but don’t slouch so much that you seem bored or disinterested. You should keep your arms and legs uncrossed, face the other person, and sit or stand at the same level so neither of you looks down on the other. Good eye contact will also help you come across as more confident and attractive. Don't forget to smile every once in a while if it feels right for the conversation. Just don't overdo it—smiling too much can come across as insincere.

Starting Difficult Conversations

Avoid putting off tough topics. It might seem easier just to let things work themselves out and put off having a difficult conversation. However, avoiding a tough topic just makes things worse. Instead, ask her to set aside time to talk about an issue. Say, “Hey, I know you’re upset about what I did the other day. I’d really appreciate it if we could take some time to talk about it.” Keep in mind that putting off these difficult issues will only make matters worse over time and end up slowly poisoning the relationship. Tell her, “I want to have a calm, open conversation about the issues we’ve been having,” or “There’s something I need to talk to you about, and I hope you’ll keep an open mind.”

Work on sharing your feelings openly. Try to recognize when you stonewall, or when you resist opening up to your girlfriend. Try to think about your reasons, and explain them to her. Tell her, “I know I’ve been closing myself off to you. I’ve been reflecting on why, and I think it’s a defense mechanism. I’ve always been the type to put up walls and I hope you can be patient with me as I work through this.”

Avoid pressuring her if she resists opening up to you. If she’s not opening up to you, try not to take it personally. Be empathetic instead of giving up or putting her on the spot. Be detached and understanding if she’s closed herself off to you. Say, “I don’t want to force you to talk about your feelings or put too much pressure on you. But I hope we can get to a point that you trust me with your emotions. I promise we can talk openly and calmly with each other about anything.”

Share your goals and intentions clearly and honestly. When you start a difficult conversation, try not to shy around the topic. Whether you want to talk about becoming more intimate or have to work through a problem, share your intentions clearly and confidently from the start. For example, say, “I’d like to talk about taking our relationship to the next step. How do you feel about intimacy and being physical with each other? Do you have any expectations about timing?” Ask her, “Can we talk about when we hung out with your friends last night? I felt really left out. I don’t want to keep you from socializing, but maybe you can help me relate to your friends more when we hang out with them?”