Talking to Your Parents About Their Fighting
Decide if you want to talk to your parents about their fights. In most cases, talking to your parents about how their fighting is upsetting you is a good thing. It's possible that your parents don't know that you can hear their arguments, or they may not realize how upset you are. They might think that their fights are no big deal, and haven't thought about it from your perspective. When you're deciding, it might help to write down the impact that the fights are having on you. Do some journaling so that you can get a clearer understanding of your own emotions before trying to articulate them to another person or to your parents in this situation.
Choose the right time to talk to your parents. As much as you want their fighting to stop immediately, it's best if you stay away (if possible) during your parents' fight. Wait until they've calmed down, and tell them that you want to talk about something that's been bothering you. Analyze the situation and try to understand if it would be better to talk to them together or separately. Both options have their pros and cons, and the best option will depend entirely on your family dynamics. Talking to your parents separately can backfire, depending on who you talk to first, as the other parent might feel like you're taking sides.
Describe to your parents how things seem to you. You are making a mature decision to talk to your parents about how their fighting is affecting you, which is great! To increase the chances of having a good conversation with the outcome you are hoping for, you need to try to communicate effectively. You should begin by explaining to your parents what you observe from your perspective. For example, “Mom and Dad, it seems like you have been having a lot of fights lately, especially in the mornings when we're all getting ready.”
Tell your parents what you think. Because you want your parents to understand things from your perspective, it can be a good idea to let them know what you think about the situation, even if what you think is that you are totally confused. For example, you could follow up by saying “I'm not really sure why there have been so many fights lately. Maybe it's because you guys have been working extra shifts or because you have to bring me to school early for band practice.”
Explain how you feel. Be honest about how you are feeling, and hopefully your parents will listen, be able to reassure you, and will decide to change their behavior. For example, you can continue the conversation by saying “Anyway, it's been pretty stressful. I'm worried that you're mad because of me, and I'm worried that you're going to split up.”
Tell your parents what you want. Don't forget to tell your parents what you want. Of course you may really just want them to stop fighting altogether, but that might be unrealistic. You can, however, ask them to try keep you out of it, or to do their best to argue in private.
Write out what you want to say in advance. If you are nervous about remembering everything you want to say to your parents, or if you're worried that you'll be really emotional, it might help you to write things out before you talk to them. Make sure that your message includes all of the steps outlined above (about telling them how things seem to you, etc.), and then rehearse it.
Consider writing your parents a letter instead. While it's probably best for you to try to talk to your parents face-to-face, if you are too nervous, then writing them a letter may also help. This could give them time to digest what you're telling them and talk it over together. If you write your parents, you still want to communicate effectively, so think about the steps we explained above so that you know what to include your letter.
Listen to your parents' explanations. Hopefully, your parents will be willing to talk to you about what's been going on between them and can explain why they've been fighting. If they are opening to talking, do your best to listen to them without interrupting. With luck, you guys can all begin to work it out, and may be able to come up with a plan about how to handle stress, disagreements and fights in the future.
Talk to someone you trust about your parents' fighting. If you're not sure about whether or not you should talk to your parents, if you're not sure what you should say to them when you do talk to them, or if you've talked to them but nothing has changed, you should try to find a trusted adult to talk to. Pick someone who cares about you, who you can trust, and who look out for you. Think about going to a relative, a school counselor, your favorite teacher, or your religious leader for advice.
Be open to going to family therapy. It's possible that your parents may suggest that the family goes to counseling or therapy. They may decide to do this after you've talked to them, but even if you haven't gotten around to that, they may realize on their own that their fighting is getting out of control and suggest counseling. You may not like the sound of this at all, especially if you are shy or private or are just worried that it will be boring. Remember though that it's a good sign! If your parents suggest you all go to counseling, it means that they care about trying to keep the family safe and happy. If you're the one suggesting family therapy, try to make some research beforehand to present them with professional options, since it will be easier for them to choose a therapist this way.
Knowing What To Do When Your Parents are Having a Fight
Try not to eavesdrop when your parents argue. Because you don't know everything about why your parents are arguing, and because you might easily misunderstand something you overhear, it's probably best if you try not to listen in on their fight. Eavesdropping while your parents are fighting will probably just upset you more, when there's a good chance that they will soon work it out.
Find a calmer place. If at all possible, you should try to go somewhere away from where your parents are fighting so that you can relax and let them work it out. For example, you can go to your room and read a book or play a video game, or go play just try to keep being occupied outside the conversation
Try to find a way to escape the fight even if you can't leave. You may not always be able to go to another room or go outside when you're parents start to argue. For example, a lot of parents get stressed out and argue during long car trips. If this happens, you can still try to find a way to tune them out. For example, put your ear-buds in and listen to some relaxing or fun music, or try to focus on a magazine or book.
Know when to call the Emergency Services. If you don't feel safe when your parents are fighting, if your parents are threatening each other with physical violence, or if someone else is getting hurt, it's very important that you get to a safe place and that you call for help. You may be worried that your parents will be mad at you for involving the police, but remember that it's always better to be safe than sorry, and that it is not your fault that the police were called—it is their fault (totally and completely) for having put you in that difficult position.
Learning About Fighting
Understand that it's normal for parents to fight. Maybe your parents have started yelling at each other in the next room, or maybe they've been ignoring each other for days. Either way, you know that they're really mad at each other, and it may have you really stressed out. However, it's important for you to understand that it's normal and sometimes even healthy for parents to disagree and argue with one another. If your parents don't fight all the time, and if neither of them seems particularly worried, you may not need to worry too much yourself about their occasional argument.
Understand why parents fight. Even though your parents are older and are supposedly wise and mature, they are still people. We all get tired, stressed, or have bad days, and it's possible that your parents are fighting today for these reasons. Chances are, they'll both start to feel better soon and will make up.
Understand that it's not necessarily bad that you know your parents are fighting. Family health experts nearly always recommend that parents don't fight in front of their children (you don't need to know all of the details of their adult lives and worries). Even so, it's important that kids know that their parents do have arguments from time to time. One of your parents' jobs is to teach you that disagreement is something we can't avoid, even with the people we love, and to teach you how to deal with it. If your parents hide all of their disagreements from you, it may be harder for you to learn how handle those sorts of situations when you are in a relationship. Hopefully your parents let you know that they're not mad at each other once they're done fighting and that they've worked it out. If they always forget to tell you this, and you have to watch them nervously to figure out if everything is ok again, you may want to have a talk with them.
Understand that your parents don't necessarily mean everything they say when they're fighting. Sometimes when we're mad, we say things that we don't mean or that we later regret. You've probably fought with your brother or sister, or with one of your friends and said something terrible like “I can't stand you!” or “I never want to play with you again!” Once you cooled down, you probably had to apologize and explain that you didn't mean those hurtful things. While we want our parents to always act perfectly, they will also sometimes say hurtful things to each other that deep down they really don't mean. Hopefully, they will also apologize soon after the fight.
Know that it's not your fault that your parents are fighting. Parents can fight about all sorts of things, from work, money issues, and even about stuff that seems to be about you. For example, they might be fighting about money when you know they just had to write a big check for your swim team expenses. You may be thinking that if you hadn't asked to join the team they wouldn't be fighting at all. While it's easier to blame yourself and it's hard not to think that it's your fault, it's very important that you understand that it is never your fault that your parents are fighting. Your parents have made a grown-up decision to have this argument, and it's their fault that they aren't handling it well. Remember that even though a fight might seem like it's only about one thing (you) it might actually be about a lot of other things that have nothing to do with you.
Understand that fighting doesn't necessarily mean that your parents will split up. It's possible that if your parents fight a lot, they may eventually get divorced. Remember that if that does happen, it won't be your fault. However, you also need to remember that fighting is normal between people who love each other. A fight doesn't mean that your parents don't love each other (or you), and even having several fights doesn't mean that your parents will get divorced.
Know that it's ok to feel upset. Even if you understand that fighting is normal, you may still feel sad, stressed, worried, anxious, or even angry. Your emotions might feel strange to you, but it's ok for you to feel them.
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