How to Tell Your Parents About Your Long Distance Boyfriend

Preparing to Talk with Your Parents

Think about what you want from your conversation with them. Perhaps you want their approval, or maybe you need their advice on relationships in general. Considering this ahead of time will make it easier to communicate with them. Recognize your feelings and include them in the this conversation. For example, “Mom/Dad, I met this wonderful person who I want to tell you about. But I am afraid you might not approve.” Or: “I really like this guy, but he lives far away and I’m not sure how to tell him how much he means to me. Do you have any suggestions?”

Anticipate their questions and concerns. Your parents have your best interests at heart. They want you to be safe and happy in your relationships. It can be helpful to see things from their perspective too. Your parents will want to be sure that your boyfriend is who he claims to be and will not cause you harm. They will likely want to meet him as soon as possible, either in person or in an online video chat with you present. They will want to know how you communicate with your boyfriend: email, texting, video chat, or telephone. If your relationship has only been online, they may urge you to meet him in person as soon as possible to make sure your feelings are the same in person. Your parents may worry that you or your boyfriend may not commit to the relationship because of the distance.

Write a list of their possible concerns and your responses to them. This exercise can be useful for rehearsing for your talk with your parents. It can also help you avoid getting overly anxious or angry during the talk. Make two columns: one lists the concerns and questions they may have, and the other column lists your responses. Give yourself some time with this exercise, as ideas sometimes take days or weeks to come into your head. Talk to friends, family, and other trusted people for help if necessary.

Prepare a description of your boyfriend for your parents. They will be curious about any new friend or romantic partner their children meet. Talk about his age, where he lives, and his occupation. Describe his family: for example, his parents, siblings, and pets. If he has hobbies or a unique skill, your parents will enjoy hearing about them. Show them photos or screenshots of your boyfriend, as putting a face to a description is always fun and helpful. Tell your parents one or more things you really like about your boyfriend.

Ask advice from friends, family, or other trusted people. Sometimes it can be helpful to hear other people’s perspectives, especially if they are trained in counseling (e.g., therapist, priest, doctor). Be ready to hear a variety of opinions on LDR, both good and bad. Find a person or two who knows your parents and how to best talk to them about sensitive topics.

Telling Your Parents About Your Long-Distance Boyfriend

Have a casual conversation about LDR in general. This is a good way to see how they might react to your news. Knowing their opinions before telling them about your boyfriend helps you find the best strategy for bringing it up. “Mom/Dad, I read this interesting blog about long-distance relationships…what do you think about that kind of thing?” “I have a friend dating a guy in another state. I think it’s really cool, don’t you?” “When you were dating, did you ever meet anyone you liked who lived somewhere else? What did you do about it?”

Find a good time for the big talk. It’s not always easy to find the right moment for difficult conversations, but timing is very important. If your parents are tired at the end of the day, or otherwise distracted and hard to nail down, finding the time to talk can be a big hurdle. Going on a walk or drive with your parents can be good—not sitting face-to-face can sometimes relieve the tension. Arrange a time in advance if it’s especially hard to find private time with them. You know your parents well, so think about the most relaxed times in everyone’s day and plan ahead. Be sure to find a comfortable location for the talk—avoid noisy and crowded places like restaurants where you may be interrupted.

Bring up the conversation. This can be the hardest part: breaking the ice. Dropping the bomb suddenly can be difficult for everyone, so find a way to bring up the subject gently. Mention your new friend or pen pal and how much you like them. Tell them if you met online or in person, as this will likely influence their reaction. Be completely honest and open about how you met (online or in-person). Describe how long you’ve known each other, how you communicate, and what your plans are to introduce him to your parents. Explain how much you care about your boyfriend —allow them to see the situation through your eyes.

Try listening to your parents’ opinions. You may not always agree with them, but they are looking out for your best interests. Their wisdom was earned through their own relationships. Hear their thoughts and advice completely before you respond. Ask them to clear up anything you don’t understand. They will be more likely to listen to your viewpoints if you listen to theirs. Try asking them for advice, even if you don’t want or need it—they will be glad you asked and feel appreciated. If the conversation gets out of hand or becomes particularly emotional, take a break—giving each other time to breathe and consider each other’s opinions is a well-known method of conflict resolution.

Keep the conversation going as your LDR develops. Your parents may worry that an LDR will postpone your plans to attend school, find a job, or pursue certain interests, so it’s important to communicate with them regularly. Demonstrate your commitment to the relationship by discussing future plans with your boyfriend, and then your parents. Tell them the steps you and your boyfriend are taking to maintain the relationship (such as scheduled meetings or communication). Explain how your boyfriend may influence important areas of your life such as school, work, and hobbies.

Telling Your Parents About Your Long-Distance Online Relationship

Tell your parents you have developed a relationship with someone you never met in person (only online). This may be difficult, as safety will be your parents main worry. People can pose online as someone they are not, which is a genuine concern for you and your parents. Begin by telling them about a new “friend,” not boyfriend, to introduce the topic. Tell them why you chose to meet a potential boyfriend online instead of in-person contexts like a party.

Explain how you met. Your parents might not be familiar with the many forms of social media and ways of meeting people online. Show them the website, chat forum, Facebook page, or dating site where you met him.

Describe how you communicate with each other. Your parents understand that people get along differently in real life than through electronic communication or handwritten letters. Explain your favorite format of talking, be it letters, text messages, email, or video chat. Tell them how often you talk with each other. Make plans to talk to him by video if you haven’t already.

Reassure your parents that you are aware of the safety concerns of online friendships. Although you may feel like you really know this guy well from your e-communications, you parents might still worry about your safety and his reliability. It’s important to discuss their concerns and share your opinions too. Start making plans to introduce your friend to your parents. Offer to schedule a video chat with everyone present. Schedule a time you can talk to his parents, as this is equally important.

Introducing Your Parents to Your Long-Distance Boyfriend

Arrange for everyone to meet as the next step after telling your parents about your relationship. Your parents will be eager to meet him and ask questions themselves to get to know him better. Depending on whether your significant other is far away or within visiting distance, the meeting will be in-person or online through video chat. Tell your parents as much as possible about your boyfriend—and vice-versa—ahead of time so the conversation will feel more natural and relaxed.

Schedule an in-person meeting with everyone. It’s always tricky to juggle the schedules of multiple people, but start early. You could even add some fun to the task by creating electronic invitations. Find a relaxed and neutral setting to meet so no one feels uncomfortable. Make a list of questions ahead of time, in case your parents or your boyfriend get tongue-tied and the conversation stalls.

Set up a time for a video chat with everyone. This can be hard if your boyfriend lives in a different time zone than you, but it’s doable. Test out your video and microphone ahead of time to avoid delays. Plan to have the meeting take place in a quiet location like home or an office. Make a list of questions ahead of time, in case your parents or your boyfriend get tongue-tied and the conversation stalls.

Book more than one meeting. Don’t be surprised if your parents want to meet your boyfriend multiple times. They might need time to feel comfortable with him, especially if the meetings are online. Offer the next meetings yourself instead of waiting for your parents to ask. Include your siblings if you have any, once the first meeting with your parents takes place.