What is lust?
Lust is when one person sexualizes another person. When you want someone sexually, you might say that you lust after them. But because lust is a physical impulse, it can cause people to objectify one another. This can be totally fine if the two people are on the same page, but it gets a little tricky if one person catches the feels and the other doesn't. If you're in lust, you see your partner as perfect—not because they are, but because you're projecting your ideal onto them. Essentially, you're physically attracted to the person and have decided that they're going to be your ideal partner (even if that doesn't reflect who they are in reality). It's totally possible for lust to turn into love, but only if you're willing to put your projections and your superficial images aside and get to know each other as people.
Signs He's "in Lust"
He wants the relationship to progress quickly. Did he claim he was falling in love with you on the second date? Maybe he proposed you move in with him after you'd known each other for a few weeks. Whatever the scenario, if it seems like he's in the driver's seat of your relationship and mashing the accelerator to the floor, that's likely lust. Because his feelings are pretty fantasy-driven, he wants to get everything he can out of the relationship before reality comes crashing in again. He might even be telling you that he loves you, or that he's in love with you—but when you think about it, you'll realize he barely even knows you. Cantarella notes that "love grows over time, when you spend time with someone and get to know them and form a bond with them and... share experiences with them. Less is really based on sexual attraction." If you're not taking the time to build those connections slowly, it's likely more about lust than love.
He only wants to see you to have sex. Lust is based solely on physical attraction, so when he's spending time with you he wants to be making the most of that physical chemistry. He may make excuses if you ask him out on a more public outing or want to meet up for a more platonic reason. For example, you might ask if he wants to go to pub trivia with you and your friends since one of your team members is sick, and he might claim that he already has plans. But later that night, he wants to come over to have sex. Jay notes that "if it's just physical, it is probably lust, especially if you have nothing else in common and have different life goals."
He doesn't plan or talk about the future with you. Lust is focused on the present, not the past or the future. If he's in lust, he's primarily interested in what the two of you have right now, not what you might have in the future. He's also likely not making any plans with you because he's just not certain if you'll still be a part of each other's lives in the long term. According to Jay, "lust usually lasts 3-6 months. It's short term and you have to see if you still have the same feelings with time." Cantarella agrees that if your relationship is based primarily on sexual attraction and "you don't share the same goals, the same values, the same relationship vision," sexual attraction will only keep the relationship going for so long.
He doesn't introduce you to his family or friends. When it's just lust, he likely doesn't consider it a priority to integrate you into the rest of his life. He's likely not really thinking about being involved with you much outside the bedroom, so he's not interested in what his friends or family might think of you. If you're interested in meeting his friends and family or getting to know him better outside the bedroom, this is something you might bring up. For example, you might say, "We've definitely been having some good times, but I'm curious to see what you're like sometime when your clothes stay on. What if we got some friends together to go to the baseball game next week?"
He reaches out at the last minute rather than planning dates. When you really care about someone, you want to talk to them all the time, even if you're not necessarily planning to meet up. When he's just in lust, though, you typically won't hear from him unless he's free at a specific time and wants to hang out with you. You typically won't hear from him otherwise and if you say that you're busy he'll likely stop texting you. You won't hear from him again until he's trying to hook up again.
He isn't curious about your life. His attraction to you is physical and may not extend much beyond that. He doesn't really ask you any questions about your background or interests. He also might zone out or try to change the subject if you start talking about some aspect of your life other than him, such as your family. If he does listen to things you tell him about your life, he won't ask questions and might not even remember that you told him later—both of which can be signs of disinterest. Keep in mind this doesn't mean that he's not interested in you at all. It just means that he's currently more interested in this ideal he's projected onto you than in who you really are underneath that.
He withholds information about his life. A man who is only infatuated or in lust with you is going to present you with a carefully curated version of himself. He shares with you all of his favorite things about himself, all of the things he's proud of, but he's not going to tell you anything about him that makes him feel ashamed or embarrassed. Those things would burst the bubble of his fantasy. If you're curious about his life and want to get to know him better, get the ball rolling by asking him questions and see how he responds. You might open the door to a deeper connection.
He isn't interested in discussing emotions with you. When he's in lust, he prefers to keep your relationship as a fantasy—that means real feelings don't have any place. He likely feels that the relationship is perfect just the way it is, so there's no need to muddy things up with complex emotional issues. This includes not only how you feel about him but also how you feel in general. For example, he might stop texting you if you tell him that you had a bad day and are feeling really frustrated.
He won't compromise when you argue. If he only cares about his physical attraction to you, he's only going to be interested in things at a surface level—and on the surface, everything looks perfect. A man in lust isn't likely to be interested in meeting your needs outside the bedroom. When the two of you get into disagreements, he might not see it as that big of a deal. If he's focused on lust, he'll see any disagreement as a distraction from the sexual attraction he really wants to experience.
He doesn't respect your boundaries. In a healthy relationship built on love, you would both set boundaries and respect each other's boundaries. If he's just in lust, though, he likely won't think twice about pushing your boundaries because he's more interested in what the two of you can do together right now, not what you might be building for the future. Not respecting your boundaries is a red flag and potentially a big deal, especially if you want to build a deeper relationship with him. Even if it's only lust, make sure you enforce your boundaries and don't let him get away with something you wouldn't allow someone else to get away with.
Is lust a bad thing?
No, lust in and of itself isn't a bad thing. In a lot of ways, humans are hard-wired to lust after each other. When you see someone whose physical appearance you find attractive, it's only natural to fantasize about what it would be like to be with them. And even when you've been in a relationship with someone for a while, you might suddenly see them in a different light and feel those lusty stirrings again. Lust, also known as sexual attraction or sexual desire, can be expressed in either a healthy or an unhealthy way. When lust is expressed in a healthy way, it can help form a connection and enhance existing relationships. When lust is expressed in an unhealthy way, it can lead to addictive and destructive behaviors, such as having sex without protection or having sex with strangers.
Lust vs. Love
Lust is a sexual connection while love is an emotional one. This is a simple way to break down the difference, although there's likely more going on depending on the people involved and the surrounding circumstances. In many ways, the signs of love are the opposite of the signs of lust. For example: If he's in lust, he doesn't ask about your life. If he's in love, he's deeply curious and wants to know everything about your life. If he's in lust, he doesn't introduce you to his family and friends. But if he's in love, he's excited for you to meet them and hopes that they'll love you as much as he does. If he's in lust, he's more interested in sex than anything else. If he's in love, he wants to spend time getting to know you outside of the bedroom as well.
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