What Does It Mean to Have Emotional Permanence?

• Emotional permanence is the ability to trust that loved ones still care about you even when they aren’t actively showing you affection or are not physically present.
• Signs of a lack of emotional permanence include constantly seeking out reassurance from loved ones and having a hard time being alone.
• Practicing mindfulness, journaling about your emotions, and working with a therapist can help you address the symptoms of emotional impermanence.

What is emotional permanence?

Emotional permanence involves trusting in the constancy of others' emotions. It is the ability to trust that others still care about you even when they are not physically present, or when they aren’t actively showing you affection. If you have a strong sense of emotional permanence, you do not experience distress when you spend time apart from loved ones because you trust that they care for you, even when you are physically separated.

Emotional Permanence in Connection to Object Permanence and Object Constancy

Emotional permanence is similar to object permanence. Object permanence is a cognitive ability that children acquire in the sensorimotor stage of development (ages 0-2). When a child has object permanence, they understand that an object still exists even when it is hidden. For example, if a parent hides a toy under a blanket, the child knows to look under the blanket to retrieve it. Just as object permanence involves trusting in the existence of a toy even when it’s hidden, emotional permanence involves trusting in the constancy of another person’s feelings, even when that person isn't present. Object permanence was first identified by Jean Piaget, a Swiss psychologist who made important breakthroughs in the study of early child development.

Emotional permanence is also related to object constancy. Object constancy is the ability to maintain an emotional connection with someone even when you’re experiencing anger, frustration, or disappointment. This skill develops when a child is around 2-3 years old, and it helps them cope with separation from their parent. In adulthood, object constancy helps you remain close to loved ones even when you’re having a disagreement. Object constancy is similar to emotional permanence because both involve trusting in the constancy of your connection with another person, even when you are experiencing difficult feelings or physical separation. People with borderline personality disorder (BPD) and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) tend to struggle with object constancy, though not all people who struggle with object constancy have BPD or NPD.

Signs of Emotional Impermanence

You struggle with spending time apart from loved ones. If you lack emotional permanence, you have a hard time trusting in others’ affection for you when they aren’t physically present. You might even experience feelings of abandonment or rejection when you can’t get in contact with someone you care about. Because of this, it’s likely difficult for you to spend time apart from friends, family, or romantic partners.

You feel a constant need for reassurance from loved ones. A lack of emotional permanence causes doubt about the consistency of others’ feelings. Because of this, you might seek out excessive reassurance or validation from others when they aren’t physically present or actively showing you affection. For example, if your significant other is out of town, you could feel the need to constantly text or call them to gain reassurance that they still love you.

You struggle with emotional regulation and fluctuate between extremes. If you lack emotional permanence, you likely swing between intense emotional highs and lows. For example, you might feel happy, excited, and loving when you’re spending time with someone you care about, but as soon as they aren’t present, you might feel sad, hopeless, or abandoned.

How to Develop Emotional Permanence

Practice mindfulness. Practicing mindfulness involves focusing on the present moment and cultivating awareness of your sensations and surroundings. It also involves observing your thoughts, emotions, and experiences without judging or reacting to them, which can help you avoid destructive habits or emotional responses. Try out mindfulness meditation to get started with a mindful lifestyle. This style of meditation can reduce stress and help you deal with anxious or depressed feelings. Sit down in a quiet place and focus on what you’re experiencing. Feel the flow of your breath, and let any thoughts that come up pass without judgment.

Work on regulating your emotions. If you’re struggling to manage your emotions, start by identifying and naming them. Ask yourself if your feelings are appropriate given the circumstances, or if they might be a heightened emotional response stemming from a lack of emotional permanence. Reflecting on these questions can help you better understand your emotions and identify emotional patterns so that you can address them. Writing out your feelings can help you challenge the negative emotions you experience when your loved ones aren’t present. For example, you might write: “I’m feeling abandoned because my significant other told me they aren’t free to hang out this weekend.”

Learn to enjoy alone time. Incorporating fun “me time” into your schedule can help you develop more positive feelings about spending time alone. For example, you could pamper yourself with a weekly self-care night. Or, if you love the outdoors, you could commit to doing a weekly solo hike. During your scheduled alone time, try not to seek out reassurance from loved ones over text or by phone. This may be tough to do at first, but it can be incredibly rewarding in the end!

Work with a therapist. Research shows that a lack of emotional permanence can stem from traumatic experiences in early development, and these deep-rooted experiences can be hard to work through on your own. A licensed therapist can help you make sense of these tough emotions and provide you with the support you need. Ask a trusted friend or family member for a referral if they work with a therapist, or check out online directories to choose the right therapist for you.