Address the issue calmly and politely.
The goal is to better your relationship instead of arguing. It’s perfectly fine to feel a bit frustrated when you’re not getting the attention you want, but try to talk about it calmly. Note that you’re not trying to start an argument or “be right” about the issue, but instead mention that you want to have a respectful discussion to improve your communication and be stronger as a couple. For example, you might say, “I care more about feeling good in our relationship more than winning an argument,” or “I just want to talk about how I’ve felt lately without getting into a disagreement.” If you already feel the tensions rising, try saying something like, “I need a minute to cool down, but I’d like to talk about how I’m feeling in a little while.”
Say what you want directly.
Clearly stating what’s bothering you helps prevent miscommunication. Your boyfriend can’t read your mind, so the only way he’ll know there’s an issue is if you bring it up. Let him know exactly how you’re feeling as soon as you feel it so you can address it right away. For example, you might say, “I feel like I haven’t gotten as much attention as I need,” or “I feel that I’ve put more effort into our relationship lately.” If you feel like you’re not getting as much affection, you might say something like, “I wish we could have a little more intimacy,” or, “I miss when we would message cute things to each other all day.” Stay away from using words like “always” or “never” when you’re talking about the issue since it can make you sound harsher. For example, instead of saying, “You always see your friends instead of me,” you could say, “I’ve noticed you seeing your friends more than me lately.”
Use “I” statements.
Focus on how you’re feeling rather than blaming your BF. Criticizing your boyfriend for not paying attention to you might make him get more defensive. Instead, talk about how his actions affect you. You can still use the word “you” when you reference what he did, but always be sure to mention how you felt because of it so it doesn’t sound as accusatory. For example, avoid saying something like, “You don’t listen to me when I’m talking.” Instead, say, “I don’t feel like I’m being heard when I talk about things that are important to me.” As another example, instead of saying, “You never cuddle with me anymore,” you could say, “I’m sad that we aren’t as physically close as we used to be.” If you’re not texting as often as you used to, you might try saying, “I wish we could text back and forth like when we first started dating.”
Explain how specific situations affect your feelings.
Follow the format, “When you do X in situation Y, I feel Z.” When you phrase your sentences like this, it gives your boyfriend the details of what caused the issue and what he can do to make it better. Try to be as specific with your statements as you can when you’re explaining to him so there aren’t any miscommunications. For example, you could say something like, “When you come home and take a few minutes before saying hi to me, I feel like I’m a second thought.” As another example, you might say, “When you go out with your friends without asking if I want to come with you, I feel like I’m not as important as them.” If he isn’t texting you back, you could say, “When I send you a message and it takes a few hours to respond, I feel like I’m being ignored.” While this may seem like you’re blaming him at first, you’re just talking about how his actions made you feel.
Make one request at a time.
Work on gradual changes so your boyfriend isn’t overwhelmed. Even if there are a lot of things your guy can do to improve, pick one thing that’s the most important to address right away. You can always bring up any other changes you want later once he follows through with your first request. For example, you might say something like, “I think I’ll feel better if you ask me to hang out on the weekend before making plans with your friends.” As another example, you might try, “I’d love it if you could take over planning a few more of our dates so we can balance it out.” If you want to be more physically intimate, you could say, “I really want to make some time where we can cuddle and be affectionate every day.” Some people have a harder time adjusting to changes than others, so be patient with your boyfriend. As long as you see him putting in the effort, he’s doing the best he can.
Ask him if his needs are met.
Your boyfriend might not give you attention if he feels unfulfilled. While you’re chatting, find out if there’s anything that your BF feels is missing from the relationship. Give him a chance to open up and explain what would make him the happiest with you. Actively listen to what he’s saying so you can see any areas where you can improve too. For example, you might say, “Now that I’ve told you what I need, is there something more you need from me?” As another example, you could say something like, “How can I help you feel better in our relationship too?”
Compromise on a solution.
Work together to figure out what will work best to grow your connection. It’s pretty rare that you’re going to get exactly what you ask for, so talk over the options with your BF. Try to find something that makes both of you feel happy and satisfied. Check in with each other regularly so you can stay updated on what’s working and what isn’t. For example, you might compromise that your boyfriend can have a night or two each week to spend with friends without asking you. As another example, if you want more physical affection, you might decide to schedule times every day where you can be close and cuddly without any other distractions.
Write your thoughts in a note if you have trouble talking.
Changing how you communicate might impact him more. If you aren’t able to resolve the topic when you’re talking in person, write down what you need from your BF. Tell him what’s bothering you just like you would say it in person, and add a suggestion of what he can do to help you feel better. Leave the note for him to read and address on his own time. Your boyfriend may try talking to you in person again or write another letter back.
Show gratitude for what he already does.
Thanking your BF lets him know that you appreciate his attention. Take a second to recognize all of the things that your boyfriend already does for you that may go unnoticed. The next time he puts effort towards giving you attention or affection, let him know how much you appreciate it. Since he’ll love to see that you’re happy, he may continue doing those things for you. For example, you might say something like, “I really appreciate you spending time with me tonight,” or “Thanks so much for getting these flowers for me. It means the world to me!” You could also say something like, “It meant a lot when you asked to spend time with me tonight,” or “Thank you for checking up on me even though you’re with your friends.
Give him more attention to receive more attention.
Lead by example for what you want and expect from him. You may make a point to say hi to him as soon as he gets home, talk about how his day was, or cuddle up close to him when you’re feeling affectionate. When he sees that you’re putting in the extra effort, he may get the hint that you want him to reciprocate. For example, if you notice that your boyfriend has had a rough day, you could give him a massage and ask him what you can do to help him relax. If he still doesn’t recognize that you want him to do the same thing for you, then you
Schedule times where you can connect.
Find some one-on-one time so he can focus more on you. Ask your guy when he has some free time in his schedule so you can make plans together. While planning a date night is always a good option, you could even just sit and talk to each other without any distractions so you can deepen your bond. Try to fit time to reconnect and give your undivided attention to each other into your regular routine so you don’t have to worry about it. Ask your boyfriend to plan some dates or one-on-one times so you’re not the one always pulling it together.
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