How to Be Tolerant to People's Opinions

Look for common ground in your positions.

It’s rare for two people to have totally incompatible worldviews. No matter how much you think you disagree with another person’s position, there’s usually at least some premise or element you both agree on. Identifying, acknowledging, and respecting that fact will go a really long way to helping you accept an opposing viewpoint. If your coworker thinks that your project isn’t ready, and you absolutely think it is, you might say, “Look, we both want the project to be successful, right? Here’s why I think it’s ready…” If you’re arguing with someone from a different political party, you might say, “Can we at least accept that we both want the best for the country? I think we’re on the same page there.” Identifying common ground keeps you from seeing the other person as your enemy. If you share a common concern or interest, they can’t really be your opposition. 

Pretend you’re the other person.

A shift in perspective can dramatically alter your response. Literally imagine yourself being in the other person’s shoes. Picture yourself making the same claim they are right now. This little thought exercise is often all it takes to get a fresh perspective, and thinking about something from a new angle can help you understand how someone is thinking. If you understand where they’re coming from, you’ll be more tolerant of them. If this is hard for you, tell the other person! There’s nothing wrong with saying (in a respectful manner) something like, “I’m really struggling to understand where you’re coming from. Can you walk me through how you arrived at this position?” There’s nothing intolerant about that.

Ask a lot of questions.

Curiosity leads to understanding and this prevents confusion. Not only is this a good way to explore nuance, but it’s a sign of respect. Follow up questions indicate you want to understand the other person’s perspective. This will keep you from making assumptions about someone’s belief, which is exceptionally important when it comes to tolerating others. For example, if someone says, “I believe everyone deserves a tax break,” you might ask, “So you think that taxes are too high?” or, “Do you mean literally every single citizen?” If someone claims that they’re not in favor of making a video for your group project at school, you might ask, “Do you think we’ll get a better grade if we do a play instead?” or, “Do you think it’s going to be too time-consuming to make a movie for the project?”

Acknowledge you’re having an emotional reaction.

As soon as you feel a harsh reaction bubbling up, catch yourself. It’s a lot harder to be tolerant in the face of an opinion you don’t like if you aren’t monitoring your feelings. When you feel yourself getting activated in the face of a belief that makes you uncomfortable or angry, pause, and say, “This is making me angry” in your head. By paying attention to your feelings, you’ll avoid lashing out before you can process what’s happening. This can be very hard to do in the heat of the moment if you’re discussing a particularly heavy topic. Just do your best to monitor what’s happening inside of you—the more aware you are, the easier it will be to respond logically, not emotionally. Being tolerant does not mean “not disagreeing.” It’s totally fine to have differing viewpoints, but it’s not okay to put someone down for who they are, or totally shut someone down for having an alternative perspective.

Listen carefully when people express themselves.

Pause before you respond so you can totally process their position. A lot of people start preparing a retort before the other person has even finished talking, which makes it easy to miss important information. Track each word coming out of the other person’s mouth. Then, take a deep breath to collect your thoughts before formulating your response. It’s easy to just pick up on a keyword at the beginning of an opinion and extrapolate from there. Someone might say, “I don’t think the president…” and that might be all you hear if you like president! Their position may be more nuanced than that though, so don’t jump the gun.

Work through your reaction logically.

Intolerance can be deeply illogical, so explore your response. If you feel yourself teetering close to the edge of a super emotional, intolerant response and a short pause isn’t enough, you might say, “Give me a minute to think about that.” Take as much time as you need and try to poke holes in your reaction and diagnose why you’re having such a strong response. It’s possible that you’re lashing out because you feel completely misunderstood. Maybe you just need to rephrase your opinion? You might feel kind of activated because you have an illogical belief about the person you’re speaking to. Maybe you don’t understand their position? If you’ve got an underlying bias about the other person, the stereotype in your mind might make you come off as intolerant. In these cases, focusing on the argument or opinion alone can help.

Respond to the idea, not the person.

Try to separate the who someone is from what they say. The difference between “I don’t like you” and “I don’t like your idea” is monumental. If you want to feel and appear more tolerant, avoid attacking people—address their ideas instead. This way, you can redirect all of the frustration you have with someone’s position directly towards their position. Use “I” language when you share your opinion, and stay away from the pronoun “you” whenever possible. Think of the difference between, “I think it’s important to protect the environment,” and “You don’t care about the planet.” One is a statement of belief. The other is an indictment against a person. Never criticize another person for who they are as a person. Their race, age, nationality, and religion aren’t up for debate.

Remind yourself you aren’t under attack.

A difference of opinions is not an indictment against you as a person. When you believe something, it’s easy to feel like you are an extension of that thing. If someone disagrees with you, try not to treat your opinion like it’s who you are as a person. It is extremely unlikely that someone is putting you down just for seeing something a different way. This can be especially difficult if you ever discuss contentious topics, like race, religion, gender, or politics. When you have these conversations, try to cushion your responses to people with phrases like, “I mean no disrespect here” and, “This is just my personal belief.”

Hang out with people who aren’t like you.

Exposure to other people can help you build your tolerance over time. It’s hard to be tolerant of someone if you’re never around anyone like them. Try to interact with people from different backgrounds as often as possible. Being around different kinds of people will expose you to different perspectives and ideas, and there’s a lot of research to suggest that these experiences are essential if you want to be a tolerant person. The same way you build a tolerance to something like medicine, alcohol, or caffeine over time, you can build a tolerance to different opinions. If everyone you hang out with looks like you, sounds like you, and believes the same things you do, you’ll never get the practice you need being around a variety of different perspectives.

Continue to learn as much as you can.

Educating yourself will open your mind and make it easier to be tolerant. The more you learn about other belief systems, the easier it will be to process your feelings in the face of those belief systems. Watch video essays on different subjects, or pick up introductory books about topics you don’t know a ton about so that you can learn more. No bad has ever come from being more educated on a subject! For example, if you have a natural distrust of people who say they’re feminists, you might watch videos about what feminists actually believe, or read books written by key feminist authors. It might be uncomfortable to imagine now, but maybe you’ll agree with them. Even simply watching movies about people you tend to not be very tolerant of can make a huge difference.

Relax and destress in your spare time.

If you react strongly to opinions, finding other outlets may help. The less stress you carry around with you, the easier it will be to deal with people who tend to frustrate you. Try meditating in your spare time. Alternatively, you might do yoga, or start waking up an hour early to read and drink tea. Whatever you can do to calm your body and mind may make it easier to deal with folks who voice opinions you find frustrating. This may seem like kind of an odd connection, but people often react sharply just because they’re on edge. If you’re just generally kind of stressed out all of the time, it can make you come off as intolerant.

Travel more often to places you’ve never been.

Exposing yourself to new cultures may make you more empathetic. If you never go outside of your comfort zone, you won’t be exposed to new opinions, people, and traditions. The more experiences you have with other cultures, the more flexible you may be in your own worldview. This can make you more empathetic of other people, which will make tolerance a lot easier to embody for you. If you live in a rural or suburban area, even a weekend trip to the nearest big city can help. Cities tend to generally be very diverse, tolerant places!

Be kind to yourself and give it time.

Becoming more tolerant can take a lot of time, so don’t get down on yourself. If you struggle with accepting the opinions of others, you’re probably a very passionate person. It’s hard to cool those passions down, and it’s going to take a lot of time to change. That’s okay! It doesn’t make you a bad person; so long as you’re doing your best to tolerate other people's opinions, you have something to be proud of.