Dealing with Loneliness
Be compassionate towards yourself. Always have self-love. This means treating yourself with love, respect, and kindness. Having a hard time? It may help to realize that you aren’t alone. Loneliness is something that everyone experiences at one time or another. Feeling lonely doesn’t mean you're flawed or weird. In fact, it’s what makes you human! Remember that feelings of loneliness are just that: feelings. They aren’t part of your identity. Think about how you would treat someone you care about if they were suffering. Now, treat yourself the same way. Start by speaking kindly to yourself, just as you would speak kindly to a loved one. Give yourself a gentle gesture, like a pat on the back or a hug. This might feel a little strange, but it can actually have a soothing effect.
Process your feelings of loneliness. Loneliness feels awful. However, it’s important to understand and address your feelings of loneliness instead of trying to suppress them. Take some time to sit with your feelings. Notice the lump in your throat, the tightness in your chest, and the empty feeling in your stomach. Then, you'll work to move past these feelings. If you feel the urge to cry when processing your feelings, then cry. There’s no shame in letting your emotions out--in fact, you’ll probably feel better after a good cry. Processing your feelings doesn't mean dwelling on them. Instead, taking time to understand your feelings can help you move beyond them.
Focus on your long term goals. If you’re feeling lonely, putting your energy into achieving your long term goals can help. Do you have a dream college? Focus on getting good grades and involving yourself in your school community. If you’ve always dreamed of traveling to Europe, create a plan for saving money. Write down your goals and your plan for achieving them. You’ll have a better chance of following through. Big goals can be daunting, so break them down into smaller, daily tasks. If you want to write a novel, set a goal of writing a few pages every day.
Spend time doing activities you enjoy. Having fun solo is completely possible--just take time out of your day to pursue the activities you enjoy. Maybe you love writing, hiking, or painting. Doing something you love can boost your mood and help you get to know yourself a little better. Try going to your favorite artist’s concert alone. Going to a concert alone may seem awkward, but once you get there, you won’t feel so lonely. After all, everyone there has at least one thing common—you all like the band or artist.
Make a YouTube video. If you're feeling lonely, making a YouTube video is the perfect way to reach out to the world and to share your thoughts and feelings with a variety of people. Whether you want to go on a funny rant, sing a song, or show off your juggling or makeup-application skills, you can connect with others all over the world with an engaging YouTube video. The YouTube community is full of potential friends! People may love your video and leave a kind comment, sparking a friendship. Or, you might make friends by watching and commenting on others' videos.
Start a blog. Starting your own blog is a great way to share your passion for a subject with the world, learn more about your subject, and to be part of a productive community that shares your interests. Find something you're passionate about, such as baseball, yoga, or fashion, and start writing! Many bloggers end up making a community of friends when others read their posts and connect with them. You don’t necessarily have to tell others about your blog, or even publish the posts if you don't want to.
Take an online class. Distract yourself by putting your energy into learning something new! Check out MIT's OpenCourseWare, or the free online courses offered by other universities. You may have already gotten your degree or chosen your major, but there are a ton of courses out there, in anything from microeconomics to Portuguese history, that can help you explore a fun subject that interests you. Taking an online class can also give some structure and meaning to your life. You may feel that your days are empty without friends, and this is a meaningful and productive way to fill that time.
Staying Positive
Pamper yourself. A good self-care regimen can boost your mood and help you relax. Take at least one day a week to do something just to make your body feel relaxed and nourished. Self-care can include anything that helps you nurture your mind, body, or spirit, such as eating healthy meals, exercising, getting enough sleep, or spending time in nature. You might also do pampering activities like getting a massage, doing a facial, polishing your nails, or getting a new haircut.
Practice positive self-talk. It’s easy to beat yourself up for having no friends. You might think, “I’m worthless” or “no one will ever like me.” These statements are not only false but counterproductive. Positive self-talk means talking kindly to yourself and countering negative thoughts with something positive. If you find yourself thinking “no one likes me,” consider your family members who think you’re the greatest! You might say to yourself, “Wait, that’s not true. I have an entire family full of people that love me.” Make a list of what makes you a great friend, such as always being there when people need you. Reread this list often when you start to feel unworthy.
Develop a positive outlook. It might be hard at first, but there's always good around you. It's easy to see all the bad things in the world, and to always be negative. Be thankful for something in the moment like the sunshine or your health. Start a gratitude journal in which you jot down three things that went well at the end of each day. After doing this for a while, you may start to notice that things aren’t as bad as you thought they were. Instead of focusing on your lonely thoughts focus on wishing others well! Try giving a big smile to the people you pass on the street. Maybe you’ll get a few back.
Keep a journal. Keeping a journal is a fantastic way to get in touch with your thoughts and to see how they affect your feelings and behavior. Keeping a daily journal also gives you some much-needed time to slow down and to reflect on your life and values. A journal is also a great place for you to write your goals for the future and to figure out a way to achieve them. Try rereading your journal every six months to get a sense of how you've grown and changed.
Exercise regularly. Staying physically active can help boost your mood and make you feel better about yourself. Being healthy will not only improve your mood and outlook, but it will make you more fit. Go outside, take a walk or just enjoy the sun and fresh air for a few minutes every day. You might also sign up for a class at your local gym or recreational center. Getting fit this way can help you meet some new friends!
Be kind. Kindness goes a long way. You may be feeling rejected and angry at the world, but that sort of attitude will only push others away. Try to be understanding, kind, and forgiving to the people you encounter from day to day. If you give off kindness and positivity, you’ll be more likely to attract other kind people into your life. Smile at strangers, hold the door for the elderly woman behind you, or help a kid find her missing soccer ball.
Getting Support
See a counselor. Sometimes, you need a little help working on yourself so that you can be open to new friendships. Excessive negative thoughts and feelings might signal an issue that requires professional help. Plus, if you have trouble socializing, it might indicate social anxiety, shyness, or some other issue. A counselor can help you work on these issues so you feel more confident making friends.
Spend time with your family. You may have some friends living right under the same roof--your family members! They can be great friends, even if you don't think of them that way. Spend some time hanging out with your parents or siblings, or check in on them as often as you can. You may not think that they're great resources or that they can help you through tough times, but they can. Start a fun, new tradition, like a weekly game night or a Friday movie night with pizza!
Get a pet. Though pets can't replace people, they are known to be loyal, incredible companions that can relieve stress and make your days more fulfilling. You can go to your local animal shelter and get a dog or cat. As a bonus, pets can actually help you make new friends! Your pet gives you an excuse to get outside and talk to fellow pet owners that you meet on the streets or in the park.
Finding Friends
Initiate conversations. There are probably tons of potential friends around you, but you may not know how to approach these people and get connected. After all, striking up a conversation can be pretty scary sometimes. However, don’t doubt yourself--you can do it! Take a deep breath, and ask a stranger a question about themselves or comment on your surroundings. A great rule-of-thumb is that people enjoy talking about themselves and their interests, so look for cues that can help you get them talking. For example, you’re in line at the grocery store and you see a teen in front of you who is playing on their smartphone. You might say, “You seem to be really good at that. What’s the goal of the game?” Try to ask an open-ended question that requires the person to give a detailed answer rather than just replaying “yes” or “no.” A great open-ended question is something like, “You said skiing is your favorite sport--what is it about skiing that you love?”
Put yourself in social situations. If you’re feeling lonely or insecure about your friend-making skills, you may be tempted to turn down invitations to parties or other activities. However, these events can be super valuable friend-making opportunities. Although you might be nervous, give yourself a pep talk and head to the office party or your cousin’s baby shower. It’s a risk that could be rewarded with new friends! Just seeing people around can help you like them more--this is called the mere exposure effect. Pick a social setting, like a coffee shop or a smoothie cafe, and hang out there. Who knows? You may become friends with the workers or the other regulars.
Be positive when interacting with others. People gravitate towards others who give off positive energy. Make sure you always speak kindly about other people. Nasty gossip, although sometimes entertaining, is not the way to make good friends. Also, don’t forget to smile! You’ll automatically appear friendlier and more likeable. People like other people who make them feel good, so be encouraging and give genuine compliments. You might say something like, “Wow, it’s amazing that you volunteer at the homeless shelter each week. I’m so impressed! Can you tell me more about that?”
Pursue your interests with others. Being around other people can improve your mood and outlook. If you've taken up a sport or hobby, go to club events, sporting meet-ups and competitions. At these events, you’ll be surrounded by people who share the same interests as you. Striking up a conversation will be easy--just start chatting about your shared interests! Don't be afraid to join a club for something you've never done before, like Improv or bowling. You may meet many other people who are equally inexperienced, and you can bond over the challenges you face and your funny mistakes. It’s fine to take it slowly if you're hesitant. Just don’t let your fear of rejection prevent you from connecting with awesome, like-minded people.
Find like-minded people online. Even if it takes a little while to find friends in your area, you can find many people online who share your thoughts, ideas, and passions. Online friendships are not as intimate as those in real life and usually won't solve loneliness completely. Nevertheless, they are still a good way to feel connected and pass the time. Just don't let your online friends keep you from making friends in person, and be careful about meeting up or connecting with any people you meet online.
Volunteer. Doing things that benefit your neighborhood, like community service projects, is a great way to meet people and give back along the way. Helping the less fortunate also allows you to step out of yourself and put things into perspective. You may find that you are even more grateful for what you have. Help adults and children learn to read at your local library, volunteer at your local soup kitchen, or help clean up a park in your community.
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