Reconciling with Your Boyfriend After a Fight
Give him time and space. If you just got in a fight with your boyfriend, then you’re probably desperate to patch things up immediately. However, if he seems genuinely mad at you, then you may need to back off for a while. Though you don’t want to wait forever to try to get back in his good graces, you should give him at least a few days until he seems to soften toward you and is more eager to talk. Even though you’re in a rush, if you try to talk to him too soon, it may just lead to another fight or to more misunderstandings. If he completely ignores you and gives you the cold shoulder when you approach him, then he’s not ready yet. Don’t force it. Once he’s open to at least making eye contact and talking to you, then he may be willing to talk.
Find the right time and place to talk when he’s ready. Once enough time has passed and your boyfriend seems to have softened towards you and is more willing to talk, then you should find a quiet place where you can be alone to have a meaningful conversation. Make sure you pick a good time when he isn’t stressed about something else and looks willing to talk. Having the right timing can help everything go by more smoothly. Let him know that you want to have a talk with him instead of catching him off guard and surprising him with the conversation. Even if he’s not looking forward to it, he’d rather have a heads up than to be surprised. Wherever you are, make sure it’s not easy for you to be interrupted by your friends.
Apologize — and mean it. If you feel like you really messed up, then you need to be open about it. Don’t just say, “I’m sorry that you’re mad because I…” and put the blame on him for overreacting. Instead, look him in the eyes, speak slowly, put away all distractions and say, “I’m truly sorry for what I did.” You can go into it and explain exactly how you feel and why you really messed up, and how much it hurts you to know that you hurt him. It depends on what you feel and what you’re willing to feel. Of course, if he’s the one who wronged you, you should avoid apologizing just to make things blow over, and should really think about whether you want him in your life instead.
Listen to him if he wants to talk. If you’ve said your part and he was willing to listen, then you should listen carefully when he tells you how he’s feeling. You can look into his eyes, stop fidgeting, and really hear what he has to say. You may be surprised by exactly how he’s feeling. Avoid interrupting him to argue with him while he’s talking, or acting like you don’t agree with a word he’s saying. Let him know that you care enough to listen first. Even if you feel like he’s misrepresenting what happened, it’s good to hear his side of the story. Once he tells you his part, you can both talk about what happened more and work to reach an agreement and to make up. If you really do listen, then you may even see that your boyfriend has more to his side of the story than you thought. You may even realize that you hurt him in a way that you didn’t intend at all.
Give him some affection. If you’ve made up with your boyfriend, congrats! You can now move on with your lives — as long as you work not to repeat your mistakes. Give him a hug or a kiss, and just get physically close with him to seal the deal. Just make sure that he’s genuinely over it and that you’re not making him uncomfortable. It goes without saying that you shouldn’t use affection — kisses or more — to try to win him over when he’s angry, because that won’t be a good long-term solution. Once you’re on your way to making up, some physical affection is important for continuing your bond. Even just a pat on the hand, a squeeze on the shoulder, or a kiss on the cheek can go a long way in helping you reconnect.
Tell him how much you care about him. Once you’re on your way back to being loving and affectionate, then you and your boyfriend can begin to grow more intimate again. Don’t be afraid to let him know how much he means to you, how upset you were when he was angry, and how happy you are that he’s back in your life. Be honest about how much he means to you and even think about elaborating to show him how much you love his sense of humor, his intelligence, or other aspects of his personality. Don’t suck up to him or tell him you’re crazy in love with him if you’re not. Be honest about how you really feel about him. Let him know how sad your life has been since your fight, and how hard it is to get through the daily grind without him.
Make a romantic gesture. Don’t think that romance is meant for the boys! Girls can be romantic just as well as boys can, and you can find a romantic gesture that makes your boyfriend swoon. Make him a mixed CD, get him tickets to see his favorite band, write him a letter about how much he means to you, or take him out on a surprise date. These gestures can help your boyfriend see how much you hate fighting and how much he means to you. Of course, it’s not about how much money you spend on him, and money won’t ever fix your romantic problems, but about the thought and effort that counts.
Do something he’s always wanted to do. Another thing you can do to get your boyfriend back in your good graces is to do something new and exciting that he’s always wanted to do. Maybe he’s always wanted to try rock climbing; go to a gym and check it out if that sounds like something you’d like. Maybe he wants to go to a baseball game with you; go with him and don’t complain about it if you’re not that into sports. Maybe there’s just a new restaurant he’s been talking about — surprise him with a reservation. The most important thing is that you’re able to come up with the idea on your own. This will show that you pay attention to what he cares about. Again, just make sure he’s really ready to reconcile before you plan an elaborate surprise activity, or your plans may fall flat.
Tread lightly for a while. After you and your boyfriend have made up, you should be a little bit extra cautious around him. Try not to bring up sensitive subjects, especially not the subject that started the fight, and try to keep things peaceful, light, and fun. You shouldn’t completely act like a different person who only wants to appease him, but you should be mindful when you speak and try to avoid starting a fight again as much as you can. If you’re eager to move your relationship forward, give it a bit of time before you mention saying “I love you” for the first time, moving in together, taking a trip together, or doing anything else to take the next step.
Don’t try too hard. It’s important to reconcile with your boyfriend, but even trying to make it up to someone has its limits. If you keep trying to talk to him again and again, showering him with love letters, or just calling him all the time to check in or asking if he loves you, then you’re going to bring more insecurity to your relationship, and you’ll make it harder for you both to heal after your argument. Instead, take it slow and trust that your relationship will strengthen over time. If he’s forgiven you but still needs some space, give it time and he’ll come to you when he’s ready.
Reconciling with a Guy Friend After a Fight
Don’t gossip about him to other friends. When one of your guy friends is mad at you, you may be tempted to tell your other friends about it. However, you should avoid talking about it, unless you’re genuinely looking for advice on how to fix the situation. If you’re bad mouthing the guy or saying negative things about him when he’s not around, then it’s likely that he’ll find out and that he’ll be more angry with you than ever. In fact, it’s far better that you say good things about the guy “behind his back” so that he’ll be more inclined to forgive you if it gets back to him.
Be honest about what happened. It can be hard for guys to be honest with each other, but if you want to move forward in your friendship, then honesty really is the best policy. Let him know what caused the fight to begin with and what you wish you had done differently. Being honest and open with him in this moment will lead him to respect you more and will make him much more likely to trust you and to want to be friends again. Let him know how you really feel and what you want to gain from the conversation. Don’t play it cool just because you’re afraid of showing your true feelings.
Apologize and make up if you’re both ready. Tell the guy that you’ve felt terrible about the fight, that you hate being in conflict with him, and that you really appreciate his friendship and couldn’t imagine your life without it. If you really made a mistake, then it’s time to fess up and tell him what you did and how you feel so you can both move on from it. Just come out with it. Say, “I’m really sorry that I hurt your feelings. I really regret it.” Don’t give him a half-hearted apology just so you can both move on; show him that you really mean it.
Hug it out. If you and your guy friend are tight, then there’s nothing wrong with giving him a hug. If you’ve both genuinely made up and are excited about being friends again, just give him a tight bear hug to let him know how much he really means to you. Guys aren’t as verbal about how much they appreciate their friendships, so if you’re shy when it comes to talking about it, you should tell him how you feel as much as you can and then give him a big hug to cement the deal. If you’ve never hugged him before, you may be nervous about it, but it won’t be a big deal if you just act like it’s perfectly normal.
Give him an extra bit of kindness afterwards. After you’ve reconciled, you can be a little bit extra nice to your guy friend without making it obvious that you’re trying to suck up to him so you’ll be back in his good graces. Do a small favor for him, like picking up coffee, if he needs it, or help him cram for an exam or prepare for a job interview. You can also just make sure to treat him with a bit more care and respect, and avoid offending him or making careless comments. If you can think of something he’s been wanting to do, like going to a certain concert or movie, invite him to come along with you.
Don’t let it happen again. If you really want to prove that you learned your lesson, then you should be careful, moving forward. Avoid getting into fights with the guy, and more importantly, avoid doing whatever you did to cause the fight to begin with. Pay closer attention to how you act and learn to read the guy’s body language and facial expressions to know when he’s getting upset or uncomfortable, and try to keep this from happening. If you just keep doing the same old thing and fighting again, then you’ll never have a fulfilling friendship. If you really care about your guy friend, then you should be willing to change your ways.
Knowing What Not to Do Under Any Circumstances
Don’t apologize over text or online. One thing you should avoid is apologizing to the guy over text, Facebook, email, or any other way that doesn’t require you to be there in person. Making the effort in person shows that you actually care and that you’re not a coward. Of course, if there are special circumstances, like you and the guy are hundreds of miles apart, then a phone call may be best, but you should stay strong and apologize in person to show he’s worth the effort. If you apologize online or over text, then the guy will think you don’t really care enough to put in the time and effort. If you don’t apologize in person, then the guy may not even respond.
Don’t ask him if he’s still mad a million times. This is never a good tactic. Sure, you may be anxious to know whether or not the guy is mad at you, but asking him if that’s the case time and time again is guaranteed to make things worse. Though you may think that asking him a lot will make him move on faster, it’ll actually make it take longer for him to get over it because he’ll be getting a constant reminder of what happened. The truth is, when he really stops being mad, then you’ll instinctively know it. Asking a million times won’t change a thing.
Don’t give the fake apology. If you really want the guy to stop being mad at you, then don’t give him the lame apology where you make it clear that you’re only apologizing so he’d stop being mad at you. Don’t say, “I guess I should apologize,” or say “I’m sorry” in a passive aggressive way. Instead, make it clear that you’re sincere in your feelings and in your regrets. If you apologize while clearly not meaning it, that won’t get you anywhere. Make eye contact, turn your body toward the guy, and let him see how much pain you’re in when you apologize. Don’t make excuses for your behavior, either. Own up to whatever happened.
Don’t pick the wrong time to have a conversation. Another thing you should avoid is trying to hash things out with the guy at the wrong time. Don’t try to talk to him before he has something important to do, like to pitch in a baseball game, go on a job interview, or take a test. Make sure you talk to him when he seems not stressed and approachable. You should also avoid asking if he’s mad in front of others; if you’re not making the effort to talk to him one-on-one, it shows a lack of seriousness. If you’re asking the guy during a bad time, then he’ll already be annoyed that you didn’t put more thought into when to have the conversation, so you’ll be starting off on the wrong foot.
Don’t try to fix things too soon. Of course we all hate knowing that someone is mad at us. That said, if the guy is really fuming, then you shouldn’t try to reconcile with him that same day. Give him a few days, or maybe even a few weeks, to cool off before you feel like you can talk and be friends again. If you try to talk to him right away, then he won’t be ready to listen and will get more and more annoyed — and angry. It can be hard to be patient in these situations, but you have to learn to do just that. Find a way to keep yourself occupied until the guy is ready to talk. In the meantime, you can even focus on exactly what you wanted to say to him.
Comments
0 comment