How to Tell Your Mom You Are Bisexual

Finding the Right Words

Write down how you are feeling. You may be processing many different emotions. Writing out your ideas, feelings, beliefs, and sexuality may help you organize your thoughts before your conversation. Try answering the following questions to help you iron out what you feel and how you want to approach your mom: How comfortable are you with your sexuality? Are you still coming to terms with it? Are you still questioning your bisexuality, or are you secure with it? Do you think your mom can help support you emotionally? How so? How do you feel about coming out to your mom? Are you scared, anxious, or worried at all? If so, why? Do you want your mom to know about your romantic life? Do you feel comfortable telling her if you have a partner of the same gender? Do you feel as though your love life is none of her business?

Decide how you will tell your mother. Serious conversations are best done face to face, but if you live far away from your mother, this may be difficult. Consider the best way to break the news to your mom. Take her feelings into consideration. How might she want to deal with this news? A phone or video call can make this big conversation more personal and intimate. Choose a time when you know your mom is not busy. Just before or after dinner time is usually a good time. If you are worried about your mom's reaction or if you think that it will be too difficult to say what you want to say, you can write a letter or email to your mom. Write the same things that you would say in person. If you can, try to meet her in person to tell her.

Practice talking in the mirror or to a friend. Before you have the talk with your mother, you may find it helpful to practice. Ask a friend to pretend to be your mother. If you do not feel comfortable discussing your sexuality with anyone, you can talk to yourself in a mirror. Practice starting the conversation, and rehearse what you want to say to your mom. If you're writing a letter, you can ask someone to read over it and give you advice. If this is too personal, however, you can just send it to your mother.

Find a support group. There are many LGBT groups that provide mental and emotional support as you prepare to tell your parents. Others who have come out can tell you their stories, and they may be able to prepare you for the talk. You can look for local chapters of: A campus or school LGBT group GLAAD The Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Center Human Rights Campaign Gay Straight Alliance

Prepare for her reaction. While you cannot predict exactly how your mom might react, you may be able to mentally plan for different outcomes. Think about your mom’s beliefs towards bisexual people. You can ask yourself: Does she agree with bisexuality? Do you think she will be accepting or angry about you coming out? Is she familiar with what bisexuality is? Will she be confused by your coming out? Do you think she will dismiss or ignore your feelings? Does she have religious or moral beliefs that disagree with bisexuality? If you are financially dependent on your parents and you believe that there is a real risk they will throw you out, you may want to consider waiting to tell your mom until you are independent. This includes situations where you no longer live with your parents but rely on them for tuition, rent, or other living costs.

Remember that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being bisexual. Bisexual people can be successful and happy people, just like people of all other orientations. They make up a valuable and lovable part of the world. Bisexuality is more common than you'd think, and it's as valid as any other orientation. No matter how your mom reacts, you can be a successful and valuable member of society.

Approaching Your Mother

Locate a safe place. If you are having this conversation with your mother in person, you should find a safe place where you can escape if things go poorly. This should be a place where you can stay for a few days if you need to. Ask a friend if you can stay over at their place. You might also contact your local LGBT support group, and see if any of the members are willing to take you in if things take a turn for the worse. You may want to pack a bag ahead of time. You can even leave it at the safe place before you have the talk if you are very worried. If you are in crisis before or after the talk, you can call the Trevor Project helpline at 1-866-488-7386.

Choose a day when your mom will have time to listen. You do not want your mom to be busy or stressed when you speak to her, nor do you want to be rushed during your talk. Pick a time when the two of you can be alone. Do not choose a busy time or celebration such as a birthday party, holiday dinner, funeral, or family reunion. Some good times might include: At dinner During chores On a day off During a long car ride

Test her reaction. If you're unsure if she'll be accepting, you can ease her into the subject. You might bring up a book or movie where the character was bisexual, and see how she reacts. If there is a news article about the LGBT community, you can read it to her and ask her what she thinks about it. This can help you figure out how accepting your mom will be of your sexual orientation. You can say, “I was reading this piece about LGBT organizations. They say that people are being bullied for being bisexual. What do you think?” If your mother uses homophobic slurs or reacts with anger against LGBT people, you may want to reconsider coming out to her. Evaluate your safety before continuing the conversation. If your mom demonstrates open-mindedness or support of LGBT people, this may be a good time to tell her.

Talking About Your Sexuality

Start the conversation. When starting the conversation, use a gentle but relaxed tone. If you sound somber or scared, your mom might think that you are telling her bad news, and she will react accordingly. Let her know that you want to talk, and ask her if she has a few minutes to discuss something with you. You can say, “I want to tell you something about myself. For a while I’ve been thinking about my sexuality, and I’ve realized that I’m bisexual.” You might also say, “Can we talk? There’s something I need to tell you." If you are doing this over the phone, make sure that she is at home or in a private place where she can have a potentially long conversation. You might want to say, "Hey mom, do you have a few minutes to talk about something?" If she is busy, say, "I'll call you later then. Everything is fine; I just need to talk."

State why you are telling her. Your mother may not understand why you need to have such a serious conversation. She may brush off your concerns or try to end the conversation early. In some rare cases, she might think that you are trying to hurt her personally by telling her this. Even if she reacts lovingly, she may still be uncertain about why you need to have this talk. You might want to tell her: "You may have already figured this out, but I don’t want to feel like I’m keeping secrets from you. You know me better than anyone, and I want you to know this too." "I know this may not seem like a big deal, but not telling you would make it one!" "I know you care about me, but I'm scared of being rejected by my family. I need to know that you accept me and love me as I am." If you are struggling with your sexuality or if you are being bullied, you should let your mother know. State, “This is part of who I am, and I understand that. But others do not accept me, and that is difficult. I hope you can support me, Mom, because I love you, and I need your help right now.”

Explain bisexuality. Not everyone knows what it means to be bisexual. Some people may believe that you can only be gay or straight. If your mom has questions, it may not mean that she is doubting you. She just may be confused and trying to come to terms with what you are telling her. If you mom asks what bisexuality is, you can say, “I’m attracted to both men and women.” She may ask if you’re gay or straight. You can say, “Neither. I’m attracted to both genders.” You might explain that sexuality exists on a spectrum. If your mom asks if bisexuality is the same thing as polyamory or having multiple partners, you should say, “No. It’s different. I can be bisexual and still only have one partner.”

Assure her that you’re serious. Some people may respond to your bisexuality by trying to tell you that you’re “going through a phase” or that you are uncertain and experimenting with your sexuality. If your mom says the same things, you will have to assert that you are sure about your sexuality. You can say: “I understand why you might think that, but this is a real thing. I am bisexual, and it is not going to change.” ”I’m telling you now because I’m certain that I am bisexual.” “I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. I’m not experimenting. I’m just attracted to both genders.”

Answer her questions. Your mom may have questions for you regarding your sexuality and relationships. How you answer these questions is up to you. Do not feel pressured to tell your mom about any relationships or sexual partners if you do not want to share. If you do answer her questions, try to be patient and avoid becoming defensive. In a calm voice, simply state how you feel. If she asks if you are being safe in your relationships, you might want to reassure her by saying, “Yes. I’m using the same protection in all of my relationships.” If you do not want to tell her about past or current partners, you can say something general and vague, such as, “I have had relationships with different people” or “I’m not telling you I have a boyfriend or girlfriend. I just want you to know what I’m feeling.” If you are currently seeing a same-gender partner, you might say something like, “Yes, I am seeing someone. And yes, they’re the same gender as I am.” Your mom may think that your bisexuality means that you will not have children. If you do want kids someday, you can say, “I can still have children. Either I’ll do it the traditional way, or I can adopt. I can even do in vitro fertilization.”

Tell her you’re at peace with your sexuality. Your mom may be concerned about your mental health or welfare. The most important thing you can tell her is that you’re secure and satisfied with your sexuality. Let her know that coming out to her makes you happy and that you hope she can accept you. You can say, “I know this might be difficult to hear. It was difficult for me to say. But it’s who I am, and I’m so happy that I can finally accept this part of me.” You might also say, “The moment I accepted that I was bisexual, I felt as though a burden was lifted. I feel so much more comfortable with my identity now.”

Handling Your Mother’s Reaction

Stay calm while she reacts. Some parents are more accepting than others. Some will want to get a rainbow cake to celebrate you coming out. Others will smile and say "okay" and nothing more. Some may respond with sadness or anger. Try to get a sense of how your mom is feeling so that you can respond positively. Sometimes the reason that parents seem angry, worried or upset is that they only want the best life for their child. Typically, members of the LGBT community have a harder time because of ignorance and bullying. You can say, “I don't look forward to discrimination, but it would hurt me even more to hide who I am. I don’t want to keep secrets from my own family.” Your mom may act distant or dismissive at first. This does not necessarily mean that she is not accepting of your sexuality. She may be surprised, startled, confused, or uncertain how to act. It’s possible that once she's had time to absorb the information, she'll show you more love and acceptance. If your mom reacts well, she may want to start an entire talk on your sexuality. If this makes you uncomfortable, let her know. You can say, “Thanks for looking out for me, Mom. I’m so happy you’re accepting. I just don’t think I’m ready to start talking about my love life yet.” If your mom reacts angrily, you can try to calmly tell her, “I know this is upsetting, but this is who I am, and it’s not going to change.” If she threatens you, find your way to a safe place.

Provide your mom with supportive materials. You should direct your mom to a book, website, or community organization that gives her information and support on bisexuality. Your mom may need someone to help talk her through your sexuality. If your mom is worried about your safety or mental health, these resources can help her support you in a healthy way. PFLAG, a family and ally organisation, is a great place to start for your mom. She can find other parents of bisexual people to get the support you both may need. If your mom is Catholic, Dignity USA can help her reconcile her faith with your sexuality. Other Christians can find support through the Gay Christian Network. If your mom is Muslim, you might contact Muslims for Progressive Values for support.

Give her time to process it. Your mom may not be sure how to react right away, especially if the revelation came as a surprise to her. Allow her to take some time and space to think over what you told her. You might want to revisit the topic in a week or two. You can say, “If you need some time to process this, I understand. Please let me know when you are ready to talk.”

Take some space if you need it. If your mom reacted badly, take some quiet time to calm yourself and re-affirm your identity. Try listening to comforting music, texting an accepting friend, or venting on an LGBT-friendly forum. You can tell her, “Maybe we need some space from each other until we can both calm down.” If she criticizes you, say "I'm hurt that you cannot accept my sexuality, and I need some space to cope with my feelings right now. Let's talk later."

Inform her that your sexual orientation will not change. Your mother may try to convince you that you are not bisexual or that bisexuality does exist. She may think that bisexuality is a sin or that it is morally wrong. If she becomes angry, you should stand firm. You can say, “I did not choose to be bisexual. This is not something you can change. It is who I am, whether you like it or not.” You might want to tell your mother, “I am who I am. I'm still your child, and I still love you. That won't change either.”

Go to your safe place. If your mom threatens you or kicks you out, you will need to go to your safe place. If you do not have a ride, call a friend or a taxi to take you there. Take what you can, and do not return to the house until your mom is ready to talk. If you believe your mother is going to physically harm you, separate yourself from your mom, and call the police. If you are afraid of your mom, do not return to her home unless you have a friend accompanying you. You can also ask a family counselor or social worker to mediate the conflict. If your mom pays for tuition or living costs, she may try to cut you off. Give her a day or two to cool off. In the meantime, make sure that what money you do have is in a safe location where she cannot access it. Consider what options you will have if she does cut you off. For example, you might look into loans to pay for college or take a part-time job. If you are financially independent, your mom may try to cut off contact. If you want to maintain a relationship with your mom, give her a week to sort out her feelings before you try calling her. If she does not respond, try writing her a letter or email.